Thursday, April 23, 2009

TMI THURSDAY: A girls gotta doo doo, what a girls gotta do

Three cheers for TMI Thursday and LiLu at LivitLuvit!!!!

I love to drink up for a special occasion or even a not so special occasion, or even no occasion at all really…wait, where was I going with this?..Oh yeah…this story starts off with me drinking way tooo much!!

5 years ago I flew out to Arizona to visit my little bro who at the time was living with three other guys and two of them were from my hometown. Our town is very small, the kind where everybody knows everybody and I just so happen to be a big fish in a little pond there (really it wasn’t hard…) anyways I had quite the rep to keep (ya know being incredibly cool and highly unattainable to these younger boys). So we, of course, rocked it out the first night!! Drink after drink, shot after shot and the required late night after bar food loaded with fat and grease smothered in something or another. Ya know how it is!!!

So here it is the next morning and I wake up in my brother’s tiny apartment with three other guys and a very rumbly stomach. I went to the bathroom hoping that I would be up before everyone else, but no such luck! There was only one bathroom and it was occupied. I was DYING!! I was making all sorts of gurgles and started to get an attack of serious cramps – the kind where you are doubled over in pain. Did I mention it was that time of the month too?? No? Well it was..not good..not good at all. I knew this was going to bad!! There was no way I could wait for this guy to get out of the bathroom and to make matters worse the others were up and sitting in the living room which by the way was RIGHT NEXT to the bathroom!! I knew I couldn't do my business in there because we could all hear the other guy doing his dirty business and they were all yelling stuff to him about the fact that they could hear him doing his own nasty in there. I started to panic!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just walked out the apartment door with the hopes I would come across another bathroom. Where I thought I was going to come across one..no idea!

I just kept walking and walking of course bent over, making these awful noises and swearing a blue streak mixed with a little praying!
I went to the pool..nope no bathrooms…
went to the central office..closed because it was Sunday.
I couldn’t go any longer..it was a NOW moment or there was going to be a mess in my pants and how the hell was I going to explain that?! So I saw a maintenance shed and made a beeline for it and did my quickest squat ever!!! With not a minute to spare! BTW, I was sooo right there was no way I could have done this in the bathroom…it was that bad!

That’s when I looked up and saw the maintenance guy coming to work!!!! No lie! We just stared at each other. Neither one of us knew what to say, but since I can’t stand awkward silences like that I just started babbling and babbling. He stood there grimed face ..walked over to the shed muttering something about “damn kids” and just bluntly told me I needed to clean up my mess.

What?! How the hell was I going to do that?! He obviously expected me to do it right then.
So not knowing what to do I picked up some leaves and tried to scoop up my own poop!!!
As you can imagine this did not work, all I managed to do was to get it on my hands. Puke! Of course this whole time I am babbling and laughing ( very awkwardly) to this guy about how I even ended up taking a #2 by his shed, but I got NUTHIN” from him not a laugh, a snort, or even a slight twitch of the lips of a smile. He was stone cold!! It was extremely embarrassing but c’mon it was funny even if just a little. Right? So I quit laughing and quit talking ( very , very hard to do) and tried to get serious with making the leaves into the ultimate pooper scooper.
Well by then he must of taken pity on me because he handed me a shovel, YES a SHOVEL and a trash bag!! To clean up my own shit!!
I was mortified!! I cleaned it up ,threw it in the dumpster and hightailed it to the apartment!!!!

I’m still glad that I didn’t defile my brother’s bathroom and was able to keep my rep intact, even if it means that I had to shovel my own shit!!
HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!
THE LADY JANE

28 comments:

  1. I'm feeling really bad for you, somewhat nautious and laughing just a little!!! I dread the day this could happen to me!! I did a puke tmi! We're all just so classy in these parts! X

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  2. I am laughing sooooo hard here! And I have this incredibly horrible image in my head now!!!!!!!! How horrible!!!

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  3. Now that you've done this, I think I might be able to come out of my own "poop shed" and share a few of the stories like this that have happened to me.

    Yes...I said a few. Not just once. Not just an isolated incident. Ew.

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  4. OH my gosh.... that is horrible!!! I am laughing my ass off over here. I love this blog! you just gained a new follower, girl!

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  5. I have a similar story. I have to find the nerve to tell it on here for everyone and anyone to read. That is HILARIOUS.

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  6. I might have crapped myself trying to get home during this last pregnancy. I have never pooped outside in public though. You are a brave woman to share.

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  7. You got caught poop-handed? Wow. And I love that he mumbled "damn kids" like this had happened to him before.

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  8. Aaaaaaaaahahaha.

    Wow.

    But you're right. It's better than having to do it in your brother's bathroom.

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  9. Are you for real??? You expected the maintenance guy to smile? Hilarious!

    BTW, weren't you the one that peed in a trash can once? Is there a pattern here?
    :-)

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  10. I almost died laughing reading this. That is super embarrassing but so funny!

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  11. Oh my lord... that is a HELLUVA TMI Thursday, girl! You definitely got the hang of this!

    xoxo

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  12. Ahhh this is hilarious! I think we have ALL had that moment! Not to mention we all know how lovely our bowels are when we have our periods! Awesome.

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  13. wow I should really not read TMIT's on my lunch break

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  14. I'm caught between laughing (like out loud fo' real) and puking in my mouth! WOW! All I can say is better you than me! Now from one drinker to another...let's enjoy a tasty beverage! Cheers~

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  15. Hahahaha, this is too much! I've drunkenly peed in the train station one time just as a subway employee came up on an escalator and shook his head at me.

    As for pooping? Can't top this one!

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  16. HOLY HELL that is a good one :-) hee, bad enough popping a poop squat in public, but being CAUGHT? and then having to clean it up? major. ;-)

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  17. Oh no! That is so funny. It would have been bad enough you just going outside but to be caught too! Double mortification! Great story though. :)

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  18. I cannot believe the man stood there and WATCHED you clean it up! I would have been so disgusted that I wouldn't want ANY PART of that scene!

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  19. I am just going to do a general reply to all your comments...which I love!!
    Yes there is a pattern with me..trash can, outside, and unfortunately several other places. When I have to go..I really have to go!! The worker came as I was finishing ( thank goodness!) He was in the shed getting his stuff around most of time while I cleaned up my mess. I don't think he did want any part of that scene!! Ha Ha...

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  20. I can't believe he caught you! I've squatted before but never had to shovel my own.

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  21. oh my that is too funny! I cannot believe that not only did it happen, but you got caught and got handed a shovel! Everything that could go wrong did haha

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  22. I came by from SITS to welcome you and man am I glad I did! That was hilarious!

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  23. I bet you were never so happy to see a shovel. Beats leaves!!

    Big Welcome to SITS!! I know that you will enjoy being a part of this vibrant community of bloggers!
    carma :-)

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  24. This is the greatest thing I've ever read. EVER!

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