TMI THURSDAY: A girls gotta doo doo, what a girls gotta do

Three cheers for TMI Thursday and LiLu at LivitLuvit!!!!

I love to drink up for a special occasion or even a not so special occasion, or even no occasion at all really…wait, where was I going with this?..Oh yeah…this story starts off with me drinking way tooo much!!

5 years ago I flew out to Arizona to visit my little bro who at the time was living with three other guys and two of them were from my hometown. Our town is very small, the kind where everybody knows everybody and I just so happen to be a big fish in a little pond there (really it wasn’t hard…) anyways I had quite the rep to keep (ya know being incredibly cool and highly unattainable to these younger boys). So we, of course, rocked it out the first night!! Drink after drink, shot after shot and the required late night after bar food loaded with fat and grease smothered in something or another. Ya know how it is!!!

So here it is the next morning and I wake up in my brother’s tiny apartment with three other guys and a very rumbly stomach. I went to the bathroom hoping that I would be up before everyone else, but no such luck! There was only one bathroom and it was occupied. I was DYING!! I was making all sorts of gurgles and started to get an attack of serious cramps – the kind where you are doubled over in pain. Did I mention it was that time of the month too?? No? Well it was..not good..not good at all. I knew this was going to bad!! There was no way I could wait for this guy to get out of the bathroom and to make matters worse the others were up and sitting in the living room which by the way was RIGHT NEXT to the bathroom!! I knew I couldn't do my business in there because we could all hear the other guy doing his dirty business and they were all yelling stuff to him about the fact that they could hear him doing his own nasty in there. I started to panic!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just walked out the apartment door with the hopes I would come across another bathroom. Where I thought I was going to come across one..no idea!

I just kept walking and walking of course bent over, making these awful noises and swearing a blue streak mixed with a little praying!

I went to the pool..nope no bathrooms…

went to the central office..closed because it was Sunday.

I couldn’t go any longer..it was a NOW moment or there was going to be a mess in my pants and how the hell was I going to explain that?! So I saw a maintenance shed and made a beeline for it and did my quickest squat ever!!! With not a minute to spare! BTW, I was sooo right there was no way I could have done this in the bathroom…it was that bad!

That’s when I looked up and saw the maintenance guy coming to work!!!! No lie! We just stared at each other. Neither one of us knew what to say, but since I can’t stand awkward silences like that I just started babbling and babbling. He stood there grimed face ..walked over to the shed muttering something about “damn kids” and just bluntly told me I needed to clean up my mess.

What?! How the hell was I going to do that?! He obviously expected me to do it right then.

So not knowing what to do I picked up some leaves and tried to scoop up my own poop!!!

As you can imagine this did not work, all I managed to do was to get it on my hands. Puke! Of course this whole time I am babbling and laughing ( very awkwardly) to this guy about how I even ended up taking a #2 by his shed, but I got NUTHIN” from him not a laugh, a snort, or even a slight twitch of the lips of a smile. He was stone cold!! It was extremely embarrassing but c’mon it was funny even if just a little. Right? So I quit laughing and quit talking ( very , very hard to do) and tried to get serious with making the leaves into the ultimate pooper scooper.

Well by then he must of taken pity on me because he handed me a shovel, YES a SHOVEL and a trash bag!! To clean up my own shit!!

I was mortified!! I cleaned it up ,threw it in the dumpster and hightailed it to the apartment!!!!

I’m still glad that I didn’t defile my brother’s bathroom and was able to keep my rep intact, even if it means that I had to shovel my own shit!!

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

THE LADY JANE