The engagement/elopement/I don't know

YAY!

It made me so happy to get all the comments about what people wanted to hear about! Oh how I have missed you guys:)

As you can probably guess the whole engagement/elopement won out as the first "comeback" post.

I just have to say one thing before i get to the storytelling. I have to come clean.

I am a procrastinator.



I know...you probably already knew that and if I look into past posts - I am sure I mentioned it.

However, I just had to say it again. So often I put off doing a post because I am not feeling my "creativity." I always think I have to be witty or have cute pics to go with the post and by me putting this pressure on myself to be creative often to ends up me not blogging for long periods of time.

So you know what? I'm done with that. You are going to have to take me as I am even on my crappiest of creative days.



What I am getting at is that today is one of those days...actually the last few days have been that and I didn't want to put this off any longer waiting for just that "right time".

So your just going to have to deal with it!



(actually, you are probably saying to yourself "IF those past posts were creative, then I hate to see what this one is going to be!")

and you are probably right!



Anyways......

on to the story!!

OK.... The Duke and I have been talking marriage for quite some time and would say things like "when we get settled in our jobs, we will get engaged"

or

"when we are more financially secure, we will get engaged",

or


"the holidays are always a great time to get engaged."

But you know as well as we know that there is never that "perfect"time. So a couple of weeks ago we were out to eat and we started talking about when it would be a good time to get engaged and then we realized that at this rate we were NEVER going to get married!! So after some drinks we were like " Hey lets just go get married!!" and you know what? We basically did just that!

The next day The Duke called up the courthouse to talk to them about getting married there that day. (yes, romantic..I know:)

But I didn't know he was going to call. We didn't make very specific plans the night before - we were just like "YEAH!" lets do it!"

Anyways, Duke calls me at work and tells me to come home....not sure why...I came home.



Duke tells me that he set it all up!! We can go get married at the courthouse that day!!



You could have knocked me over with a feather....seriously....

So like two excited little kids - we start racing around the house, Duke calls my dad for permission ( insert awwww.... here) , we change our clothes and off to the courthouse we go.

In the midst of running around I look at the Duke and I say:



Me: "Hey, what are we going to do for rings?"

Duke: "We need rings?"

Me: "Um, yeah!!!"


Duke: "Yeah, didn't think about that"

So we go scurrying through my jewelry chest and I pull out this 3 dollar huge-ass fake diamondette ring...that has an adjustable back. Bling! Bling!

( actually it was bigger and gaudier than this ring!) ( Is gaudier a word?)

And then...

The Duke pulled out his High School Class Ring ( the only ring he owns) and we were back in business!

BTW....the class ring only fits his pinky now!


So we go off skipping to the courthouse, proud as two peacocks that we were doing this uber adult thing...like an adult rite of passage... when we came face to face with the Courthouse Lady!


Duke: "I called earlier. We are going to get married today"

Courthouse Lady (looking at us like we are craazzy) : " your what?"

Duke: "Getting married"

Courthouse Lady: "Sir, we don't do weddings here"

Duke: " Well I spoke to someone and they said we could pay the extra 5 dollars to have it done today"

Courthouse Lady: " Were you talking to them about a Marriage License?"

Duke: "yeah"

Courthouse Lady: " Sir, that does not mean that you can get married today. It just means that you can get your license today by paying the extra 5 dollars instead of waiting the three days."

Duke: nothing... just looking very confused


Me: utterly embarrassed

Courthouse Lady;" We can get you the license today but the courthouse does not do weddings"

Duke: still looking confused

Me: "we will take the license"

Lady goes to get the paperwork...

I start to die laughing....Duke too...

Lady comes back and we fill out all the forms and pay our money, dot our I's , cross our T's and we get handed our OFFICIAL Marriage License!!

and...

Duke then looks at the courthouse Lady and says, (no lie) " So does this mean we are married?"

I just put my head down on the counter

Poor guy...he just doesn't get it!!

I'm going to end here since this is getting long! I guess you will have to come back to find out what happened next!



Till next time...

Lady Jane

I'm baaaccckkkk!!!

Ugh.... I have no idea how to even start this!

For starters this is my first time even logging into blogger since....well, my last post!

SO many things have happened since then and to be totally honest the past month I have been avoiding coming back because I felt SO guilty!!

I honestly didn't think that it would really matter that I hadn't posted in awhile so you can imagine my shock and (horror!!) when a month ago I logged into my trippinthroughlife email and I saw e-mails and comments left on my last post wondering where the hell I was and some people thinking that something happened to me. ( was that a run-on sentence, or what?) I probably should have logged on right then and wrote "I'M NOT DEAD!!" but did I? Well, we all know the answer to that one. Instead, I tried to think of something that I could say that would make me not posting for 3 months all OK and nobody would be mad.

YES, I worry that much about what people think. Yes, even people I have never met. Sheesh!

And I came up with NOTHING. A whole month of thinking of just that right thing to say and ....nothing.

Today - I just thought to hell with it - I'll post anyways.

I have no idea where to even start....ALOT has happened. So what I've decided to do is list a bunch of things that have been going on and then all of you can leave a comment saying what you want to hear about first and we will just play it like that:)

OK...HERE WE GO!

1) Another hospitalization
2) a very awkward situation regarding a toilet
3) I quit my job
4) I got new eye glasses
5) I got engaged
6) I started my own business
7) I bought a wedding dress ( a month before I got engaged)
8) The Duke and I are official RVer's (not sure if that is a word)
9) The Duke and I eloped
10) I now steal toilet paper and taco sauce packets
11) I made the Duke very upset.....( this doesn't happen much)

So chime in..... what do you want to hear about. Give me your top 3!

Missed you!! Honestly I did:)

The Lady Jane

TMI Thursday: the bedside commode

Hey everyone!!!! Happy TMI THURSDAY!!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know it has been a long time..2 weeks I think! If you remember from my last post I was in the hospital due to my leg and I actually ended up being in there for awhile ( IV antibiotics..the reason).

Well I was in there long enough to have another roommate...

I got Jean 2.0

Jean left and I did a little dance of joy as I had the whole room to myself. However, I was quickly assured by the nursing staff that the bed would probably be filled by the end of the day due to the hospital being at its capacity and the ER being full.

Sigh.. but I had high hopes for next my roommate...I mean she couldn't be as annoying as Jean.

Right? WRONG!!

Her name was Glenda.

Glenda was very nice, however, if I dare to say way GROSSER than Jean.

Glenda was in her mid 40s and had come to the hospital for stomach pains...I'm sure you can see where this is going.

There is sooo much I could write about Glenda and her antics but I will just tell ya of the **highlights** of her stay.

On her first night she had to drink this nasty stuff called "Go-Lightly" for her colonoscopy. I can attest to the fact that it is beyond disgusting but it is doable and I didn't think that the drama that ensued that night was all necessary but whatevs..

"Go Lightly" plain and simple is to make you shit and clear you out completely for the test. ( The name is totally ironic..ha ha)

Glenda was extremely over weight and because of this she said it was very difficult to get out of bed very fast and she was afraid of not making it to the bathroom...when I heard this I wanted to scream because I knew what this meant...

a COMMODE!!!!

Ugh...come on! Seriously people HER bed is right next to the bathroom. The commode sat right next to the door of the bathroom. She would have only had to walk like 3 more feet and BAM she is there, but Noooooo she got the bedside commode!

So for the whole night (7pm until 9am to be exact) I was treated with crying and hysterics about the fact that she "could not drink anymore of this shit and that it was too nasty". ( shit being a theme, I guess)
Several nurses had to come in and give her pep talks which then led into threatening because Glenda started refusing to drink anymore...

As soon as you start drinking this stuff you start pooping and lord have mercy did she ever!!!

There was only a curtain between us and I swear all the farting, shitting, squirting was about enough to make me puke but what was WAY worse was the smell!! OMG the smell!

My room stank so bad! I had my nose covered with the sheet and I was putting my good smelling lip gloss under my nose. Finally the nurses had to come in about every hour 1/2 to spray down the room. Which then just made it smell like pine -sol and shit.

So this went on all night!

When the nurses came to empty the contents...they had to flush the toilet 10 times to get it all down.

Yes...I counted the flushes.

There wasn't much to do. I also took notes on my iphone and I recorded Glenda talking and groaning to herself ( she did this a ton) ...but I have no idea how to upload it on here. Sorry...

Anyways, Glenda went for her test the next day and I THOUGHT that it would be the last of the bedside commode...um no.

She wanted to keep it because now her knee was bothering her. I thought I was going to SCREAM!!! The worst was is that the next day was my birthday and I knew I was going to have a lot of visitors.

Awkward...especially when it was the Duke's brother and dad there! Sheesh!

She didn't go poop WHILE they were there, but she did puke. and well...there were noises.

And yes...the room still stank.

The best part (or worst) was the night after her test and she was out of her bed and started to walk when "shit just fell from her ass unto the floor." I put this in quotes because this is exactly what she told the nurses.

Oh yes...you read it correctly. She poo poo'd on the floor.

Apparently my lovely readers when the "SHIT JUST FELL FROM HER ASS!" ...she stepped in it too. Lovely...just lovely.

Yep... stepped in the shit.

Ya know what...she didn't even shower until late the next day!!!

She thought this was freakin' hilarious! I swear she called everyone she knew to tell them about it.

That was the other thing she was on the phone 24 -7.

Over the course of my life I have been in the hospital several times ( posts for another time) but these roommates are definitely at the top of my "roommates from hell" list. Yeah, I have a list...what of it???

I swear these posts don't even began to do these women justice because I cannot adequately describe them and how annoying they really were.

I have incredible patience and empathy too...but these two were just plain rude. I know you don't feel good...I've been there, but couldn't there have been an excuse me or an I'm sorry. Those little words sometimes make a big difference.

So to all of you out there in bloggy world...if you ever have to share a hospital room and you need to poop in a commode or you have incredibly horrible gas. Some sort of acknowledgement to your roommate about it and that your sorry that she has to be in the room with you at least lets the roommate know that you recognize the fact that its a bad situation.

I apologize when I have gas...just sayin'.

Not saying that a sick person has to apologize for being sick....but...well it would have made me feel less angry and annoyed.

Oh and BTW...the result of her test...she has bad gas.

Yeah...I could have told ya that!

THE LADY JANE

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Flying

I'mmmm baaaccckkkk!!!!!!!!

I will tell ya more on my Florida vacay a little later because its Totally Awkward Tuesday time and I do have a little story from my recent trip for you all.

Picture this:

It was the plane ride back home, I had the window on my left and a girl on my right ( she was about my age, early twenties...okay, okay....thirties...sheesh) .

Plane ride started out OK, about 30 minutes into the flight I had to take one of my antibiotics. I reached down into my bag to get them and as I was bringing the bottle up ...butter finger strikes and I drop the bottle and it rolled back under my seat...ugh!

The next 5 minutes I spent trying to reach under my seat trying to grab the bottle. 5 minutes may not seem long but it was an eternity

Especially when you have to bend over and either grab through your wide spread legs or turn your knees to one side and bend over and try to reach under. (So then your butt could possibly be staring them in the face)
Then you grunt a little as your trying to make your arms be go-go-gadget like due to having impossibly short arms.

Its just not graceful or becoming at all and definitely awkward.

i apologized to my neighbor for being disruptive and she offered to help me, but in the end I got it and went back to reading my book.

I was super exhausted and was starting to doze as I read and as I started to sleep.... purring followed ( Duke likes to call it snoring, but purring is a lot cuter. Even though Duke says what I do is no where near sounding cute...whatevs! post for another day)

I was trying so hard to fight the good fight with my eyes to keep open, but every now and then I would jolt myself awake with a snort...yes a snort!! ugh...embarrassing

I got a pop in an attempt to help wake me up. I put the tray down to set my pop on and it also was great to lean my book on why i read.

So as I was reading when the sleep fairies came again .....and no matter how much I fought them, they won out and the purring/snoring began again...

and then a big ol'snort!! awkward...

the kind that wakes you right up!! I jolted up right so hard that my book hit the tray which then knocked over my pop right into the girls lap next to me!! She jumped...I dropped my book when I went to grab the pop ( no luck)...pop everywhere...oopsie!

Ugh...I kept apologizing...waved to the flight attendant to come help us...she did and brought lots of napkins. The girl said it was OK...but I am positive she was annoyed by this time.

After we got cleaned up I knew that I had to use the bathroom but there is no way I wanted to ask the 2 people sitting in my row to get up now...I have already been such a pain in the butt. It wasn't too bad and I thought I would be fine until the plane landed.

After a few minutes of just sitting there perfectly still and trying not to be annoying, I still wanted to read my book that was now laying on the floor. Even though I didn't want to awkwardly bend over to get something under my seat, the need to know what was happening with the Edward/Bella/Jacob triangle was too hard to resist.

So I bent over to get the book when I ripped a fart. Yep...I ripped one. a minor stinky one.

I could have D.I.E.D from embarrassment right there on the spot! The worst thing...its not like you can blame someone else or move ( run) away from the person . You just have to sit there and endure...

Klassy...right?!

If It wasn't awkward enough before it certainly was now!

I'm sure that girl had a story all about me when she got off that plane.

Happy Totally Awkward Tuesday! Go check out the rest of the awkward stories at Tova's place!!

The Lady Jane

FLORIDA BOUND!

I'm on way to Florida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although your probably wondering why the hell I would head to Florida in the summer.

Crazy , I know. However, My BFF moved there last year (Orlando) and I miss her like crazy! I'm on summer break and its next to impossible to go during the school year and its cheaper.

So...Florida here I come!

I'm flying alone, which actually I like doing. I get to read a ton of meaningless magazines and read books that I have been coveting without having to make conversation with anyone else. Its nice to have that once in awhile.

Down side....

I'm me.

I get goofed up easily, I'm always late, I don't think things through, very forgetful, and I am tooooo laid back, etc.... all these things are not good when you are flying the friendly skies. Sometimes they are just not that friendly!

I do have some examples...Wanna hear them?

I'll make them short and sweet and to the point.

Example 1:

First time flying alone.

Destination: Washington DC for a friends wedding. I was a "reader" in the wedding so I needed to be there for the dress rehearsal.

My outfit still was not complete for the wedding, I still needed shoes. I thought I would stop at the mall before getting on the plane. Great idea....

Stopped at mall...shopping around and I ran into one of my friends.

friend: Hey I thought you were going to DC?

me: Oh I am. I just needed to get some shoes.

friend: What time is your flight?

me: 2pm

friend: WHAT? Your going to miss your flight!

me: No I won't, I have an hour.

friend: You have to check in your stuff still and go through security...you will never make it.

me: panicking!

I leave to go to the airport ( not before buying the shoes, of course!)

get into the car...no directions! I am so directionally challenged!

I call the airport...get directions. Proceeded to call back like 6 more times to see if the plane left.

For some reason in my head I was thinking I would just pull up to the airport, park, walk in and get on the plane.

Your probably wondering if I ever had been on a plane before...yep...several times.

My excuse...none. Sometimes..I just don't think.

Needless to say I missed my plane, which meant of course that I missed the rehearsal dinner and scared everybody as to my whereabouts.

Oh...I had also left my plane tickets at home...yeah I am that awesome!

Example #2

Destination: San Francisco to visit a friend

Brought an expired license instead of my current one. Why you may ask.... I couldn't find my current one and thought an expired one would work fine. Its not like I would be driving a car or anything. I had left packing until the last minute and didn't have time to look for my license...I needed to be there early ( I didn't want to miss my plane like last time. See...I do learn small lessons)

Fast forward...me trying to check in.

The guy wouldn't let me check in because my license was expired.

Big situation broke out...I went to another airline employee. That person thought I should be let on the plane. In his words "She isn't going to be flying the plane"
Argument broke out between the two about it...third person was called in...I was let on the plane. Had to run all they way there while the plane waited for me.

Want to know the funny thing....this was on my trip home. They obviously let me fly there on my expired license. Hmmph...

Example 3:

Destination: Key West - maid of honor in a wedding

Alarm did not go off in the morning ( thank goodness I am an early riser anyways)
freaked out...threw everything that wasn't packed yet into my carry on.

I'm sure you can guess what happened.

I totally forgot that everything in my carry on that is liquid like could not be bigger than 3.4 oz. Tears are starting to well up at thought of this.

I got to the security check and that is when I encountered the bitch from hell. This cold- hearted woman informs me that I broke all sorts of codes and proceeded to throw away all of my hair products, etc... right in front of me. I thought I was going to be sick! These products were not cheap...I spent money on them!
Hairspray...gone
Shampoo....gone
Conditioner...gone
gel...gone
hair powder...gone
body lotion...gone
body scrub....gone
detangler...gone
toothpaste...gone

and let me tell ya she reveled in throwing this stuff away. She picked each one up, admired it, commented on what the cost of it was, then dropped it in the trash. She did this with every single thing. With everyone that was in line for security watching. It was painful....

and the most embarrassing moment... was when she picked up one of the items that I bought for my friends bachelorette party. This...

Dick Tasty

So here's to hoping that this little trip is uneventful!!!

XOXO

THE LADY JANE

Drinking and walking do not mix

WARNING***WARNING*****WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING

If you do not like the sight of blood do not go any further....there are pictures attached that may make you vomit...just sayin'

If you do decide to keep reading and do vomit...don't say I didn't warn you.

Ok...

Long story short...I got completely bombed on Saturday night at my friends party.

Yep...completely bombed

( which by he way it was a GREAT party! Food, drinks, and a DJ...what more could ya want?)

Anyways I was very drunk and it was 3 in the morning when the Duke and I decided to go home ( well to my parents house - we were about 3 hours from our actual house)

and as we were walking out the garage door I was simultaneously turning around to say some witty comment upon my exit when I hit the cement step and fell. I landed with a thud, sat stunned...and then started laughing uncontrollably!! I couldn't stop.

I do this whenever I fall or I see someone else fall. To me it is the most hilarious thing ever and No it does not matter if they are really hurt or not. Awful, I know.

I guess nobody really saw me fall except the Duke. He made sure I was OK and then we both laughed all the way to the car..which was actually quite a ways. When we got in, I bent down to see my leg because I was pretty sure I had a nasty bruise. However, when I touched it..it was wet and gooey!

I turned to the Duke and held up my hand and said "Is this blood?"

Duke freaked out because when he turned on the light in the car..there was lots of blood..lots.

He pulled the car up to the house and ran to get some bandages, towels, whatever...

Everyone then came running out the house and they totally freaked on me!

Saying things like

"OMG..its like a piece of meat is hanging off!"

"we need bandages..STAT"

"i'm gonna faint"

and

As for me I was still laughing.... I felt like it was all I could do.

They did bandage me up..see pic below..and off to the hospital I went.

**amazing, the things you can do with Duct tape**

Yes..my foot is swollen...I do not have cankles.

The Duke did make a pit stop at my parent's house to pick them up so they could actually drive us there..because the Duke had a lot to drink too and they are luck was going we didn't want to chance it.

Its always nice to surprise your parents with a trip to the ER at 3:30 in the morning!

I wish I could say that was first time...but that's for another post.

Are you ready for the pics??? Remember I did warn you!

I am going to rock the mini skirt this summer..fo sho

For some reason ( read..pain meds) I was making the Duke and my mom give two thumbs up. I made them do this pose like 5 times. Why...who knows?

At 6:30 am I was finally let go and all they did was put a bandage on. I guess they couldn't "salvage" my skin..so they referred me to a wound clinic. Seriously??

I went to the "wound clinic" today. Apparently they have to leave the wound open and let the skin die off. DIE OFF??!!

I have a huge ass dressing that I have to change twice a day, a ruined pair of jeans, blood soaked shoes..that I am pretty sure a ruined too , blood in my new Escape, and I can't swim all summer.

Oh yeah...I am totally bruised up to my thigh and I have a Hematoma on the other leg too.

Yay for my first day of summer break!!

Moral of the story: Don't try to be funny, just look where you are walking.

THE LADY JANE

First guest post!

I'm guest posting for the TOVA MOVING EXTRAVAGANZA today...post is going up at 9:30 am today...be there!!! Or be square! ( sorry couldn't resist!)

One word for ya...thongs....

I have no idea what to title this??!!

I think this is going to be one of those posts that is going to be random...I'm thinking bullet point. It might be easier for you all to follow my ramblings. Just an FYI..its not going to be witty either because....

• I'm dyin......of PAIN!! Ok, this is how I know I am seriously out of shape ( I knew I was but this even surprised me) I am in some serious, drug needing, pain from Tai Chi!!

Yeah, Tai Chi

A person doing tai chi moves his body slowly and gently, while breathing deeply and meditating (tai chi is sometimes called "moving meditation")

I know it is also considered a "combat style" but the above description is what I am doing!

How embarrassing! I am going to hide my face from the world ( probably under a blanket and on top of a heating pad....just sayin'. ) So as if wasn't feeling bad enough I took a break from this post to go read some other blogs and that's when I read this by my lovely bloggy friend Gina! Talk about just rubbing my face right in the doo - doo. I know, i know this post didn't actually exist when she wrote it but my face still feels like it has doo - doo on it!
I need to keep moving on...because I don't know how much typing my poor arms can take. Seriously...

• Update on my Rite Aid Sucks post - If you haven't looked in the comments section lately (c'mon I know you all can't get enough of me and you read the comment section when I have not posted...just admit it. Trust me you feel better) But just in case you are one of the rare few who do not do this.... This is the comment

Hi "Lady Jane,"

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. This is not a policy, and I'd like to investigate. Would you please call me and share where and when this occurred so that I may pursue.

Thanks in advance for your time,

Eric Harkreader
Rite Aid Public Relations
(717) 975-5713

I'm totally going to call him...but I only remember on the weekend when Eric isn't working. **lightbulb** I will put a reminder in my lovely i-phone. So I guess this kind of sucks an update when I haven't actually called him yet...consider it part 2 on my revenge on Rite-Aid.

• Update on EMO kid ( you can read up on him here and here) .....he was locked up for like 3 weeks and he returned Friday...ugh. He shaved off all his hair and he wore NO makeup . He made this big apology, I think its the honey moon period..but I am trying to stay positive. he will not kill me, he will not kill me

• I do have an update on the "people who want my money so they invited us to their wedding even though we have never met them". I conducted a full investigation and here are the results....its a cousin of the Duke's. He has NEVER met them and is not in contact with the groom to be's immediate family. Uh..Weird!! I guess I would save my guest list for people we actually know and have had at least one conversation with...just sayin"

• Only 17 more school days until I am FREE!!!! For a whole 2 1/2 months!!! I would start dancing...but ya know...I'm in pain
  

Need to go get some ice packs! I'm out....

THE LADY JANE

Sexy time

Go check out LiLu's place for the rules...but if you know her and read me...then you already know them!!

So this is a different TMI story that I have posted previously...because its not just about me , its about the Duke too and it wasn't several years ago...it was today ( well Wednesday, that's when I;m writing this.)

Last night the Duke went to his "male bonding brew group" and made sausage or whatever men do together..grunt...fart..ya know. He came home very late and I was already asleep. So we didn't see each other all day...so I didn't tell him that I had a doctor's appt. the next day and wouldn't be going to work. I get up really early anyways...whether I go to work or not. So I am pretty sure that the Duke thought I went to work. So 10:00 came and he still hadn't got up for work..so I jumped on him in bed and scared him (actually yelped). I totally caught him not going to work cause he was hungover....(sorry getting a little off track )

Anyways..we were laying in bed joking

Duke: "Uh...hunny I got a problem." and then looked down to you know where and this is where the Duke would like me to desscribe it as HUGE, MASSIVE, an amazing site to behold. He had a boner.

Me: "uh..no..your stinky. You have been out all night, your dirty and smelly."

Duke: begged and pleaded and pleaded some more.

Me: "Ok...but we both need to shower " ( What can I tell ya fresh and clean is a turn on for me)

So both went to take showers ( yes we did take separate ones...not sure why looking back )

After he was done he was coming up the stairs and I was putting my sexy moves on him but he looked all sheepish ?! hmmm...odd.

So I started stepping up my game mauling, groping, whateves and then he started making excuses that he needed to "get to work." OK..now wait a minute...Duke does not turn down sex!! cue Twilight Zone music

Me: " Hey whats going on..???

Duke: got this embarrasses look on his face and started looking at his feet and mumbled something.

Me: "I didn't hear you."

Duke: So he mumbled a little louder " I did something in the shower I'm not proud of."

Me: Pausing to give thought to this statement and then I very loud "Bwaaaaaaaha ha" came out and it was hard to stop..he started too.

Duke " I told you that you should never let those things so to waste!" ( which that was one of his arguments when he was pleading for sex earlier)

Me: " You couldn't have waited 10 -15 minutes??"

Duke: "I tried, but you should never waste one...guys code. I t would have went away"

Me: "C'mon" ( in my sexy voice) more groping....

Duke: very sheepish " Um...I'm really tired....that actually took a lot out of me" (like he is all suprised by it...)

both died laughing and I made jokes at his expense all day!!

Happy almost Friday!!!

The Lady Jane

Cover has been blown!!!

Obviously you know that this blog is anonymous!
- NO pics
- I use a fake name ( Lady Jane is what my mom used to call me when I was in trouble growing up. Instead of using your first, middle , and last name as most parents do Nope...she just made up a whole new name altogether)


I have not told a single person in my real life about this blog and that is including the DUKE. Which is crazy because we tell each other everything..

the good ( "your so cute", "I got a raise", "your armpits look cool shaved")

the bad ("uhh..I lost the extra keys to the house", "yes, that was me who dented your car")

the ugly ( "you really need to go take a shower", "I have really bad diarrhea.")

You get my drift! So why may you ask I didn't tell him about the blog? I don't have a great answer for not telling him, but my reason for not telling anyone else is because I just wanted to carve out a little place in the world for little ol' me. I was selfish and really didn't want to let anyone else in, and really they know most the stories anyways. I loved the secrecy of it and if I was to be totally honest I harbored this fantasy that I would become a really big deal on the internet and get featured in a magazine or something or have like Ellen as a follower and I would be all" Oh, yeah, my blog. Yeah it is really big. I didn't tell you about it? Huh...sorry."

All those reason's are not the reason's I didn't tell the Duke.

Actually the Duke would have been fine with it and would even get some humor out of it. To tell the truth I'm not a 100% sure why I didn't tell him. I think I was meaning too...but I just didn't. I think I liked the cloak and dagger of it all!! Well...I suck at covering my tracks and have come to the sad realization that I would never be a good FBI agent, CIA, or anything else.

Because the DUKE found out and it wasn't because I told him. Damn him and his sleuthing ways...

I was out driving, doing something or another, when I get this phone call from him and the first thing he says..." Hey, its the Duke here!" Took me a minute to catch on and then it dawned on me...he found the blog!!!

Me: "Uhh...what???"

Duke: " So NOW i know why you have been spending so much time on the internet!"

Me: " Wait...what are you talking about?" ( Really I knew, but I was hoping just for a minute that he didn't actually find it and I totally misunderstood him and it was going to be like an episode of Full House or something....)

Duke: " I'm sitting here looking at stories of our life ON THE INTERNET!!" BTW..he is laughing. " I can't believe this"

and this is when he starts reading me excerpts from my posts... Ugh...and I felt really anxious because I had no control over what he was reading and I couldn't remember all that I had wrote..praying I wasn't forgetting a post where I totally slammed him ( of course I wouldn't do this...but it was a fleeting thought)

Duke " I can't believe you wrote about shoveling your own shit!!!" " Wait...is this?...(pause) you wrote about the tampon story??"

OK...at this time the only thing Duke became concerned with was how many posts he was in. He started flipping through the blog and counting the times mentioned and was actually very disappointed that he was only mentioned in a couple of posts....But he LOVES that his name is the Duke...he said " This makes me sound like I'm BIG from Sex and the city!" At this time I swear I heard his head getting bigger and bigger over the phone!

By the time I got home... The Duke had started his own blog and wanted to compete with mine...

Me: "Hunny, why is your blog called "The Drake Show"?

The Duke: "Uh...because that's the name you gave me on your blog!" while giving me the look like "Duh..."

Me: "Not Drake, hunny, Duke! Duke is what I call you."

The Duke: "aww..man!! Now it doesn't make any sense"

And that my friends was the extent of the Duke's blogging career.

THE LADY JANE

TMI THURSDAY: A girls gotta doo doo, what a girls gotta do

Three cheers for TMI Thursday and LiLu at LivitLuvit!!!!

I love to drink up for a special occasion or even a not so special occasion, or even no occasion at all really…wait, where was I going with this?..Oh yeah…this story starts off with me drinking way tooo much!!

5 years ago I flew out to Arizona to visit my little bro who at the time was living with three other guys and two of them were from my hometown. Our town is very small, the kind where everybody knows everybody and I just so happen to be a big fish in a little pond there (really it wasn’t hard…) anyways I had quite the rep to keep (ya know being incredibly cool and highly unattainable to these younger boys). So we, of course, rocked it out the first night!! Drink after drink, shot after shot and the required late night after bar food loaded with fat and grease smothered in something or another. Ya know how it is!!!

So here it is the next morning and I wake up in my brother’s tiny apartment with three other guys and a very rumbly stomach. I went to the bathroom hoping that I would be up before everyone else, but no such luck! There was only one bathroom and it was occupied. I was DYING!! I was making all sorts of gurgles and started to get an attack of serious cramps – the kind where you are doubled over in pain. Did I mention it was that time of the month too?? No? Well it was..not good..not good at all. I knew this was going to bad!! There was no way I could wait for this guy to get out of the bathroom and to make matters worse the others were up and sitting in the living room which by the way was RIGHT NEXT to the bathroom!! I knew I couldn't do my business in there because we could all hear the other guy doing his dirty business and they were all yelling stuff to him about the fact that they could hear him doing his own nasty in there. I started to panic!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just walked out the apartment door with the hopes I would come across another bathroom. Where I thought I was going to come across one..no idea!

I just kept walking and walking of course bent over, making these awful noises and swearing a blue streak mixed with a little praying!

I went to the pool..nope no bathrooms…

went to the central office..closed because it was Sunday.

I couldn’t go any longer..it was a NOW moment or there was going to be a mess in my pants and how the hell was I going to explain that?! So I saw a maintenance shed and made a beeline for it and did my quickest squat ever!!! With not a minute to spare! BTW, I was sooo right there was no way I could have done this in the bathroom…it was that bad!

That’s when I looked up and saw the maintenance guy coming to work!!!! No lie! We just stared at each other. Neither one of us knew what to say, but since I can’t stand awkward silences like that I just started babbling and babbling. He stood there grimed face ..walked over to the shed muttering something about “damn kids” and just bluntly told me I needed to clean up my mess.

What?! How the hell was I going to do that?! He obviously expected me to do it right then.

So not knowing what to do I picked up some leaves and tried to scoop up my own poop!!!

As you can imagine this did not work, all I managed to do was to get it on my hands. Puke! Of course this whole time I am babbling and laughing ( very awkwardly) to this guy about how I even ended up taking a #2 by his shed, but I got NUTHIN” from him not a laugh, a snort, or even a slight twitch of the lips of a smile. He was stone cold!! It was extremely embarrassing but c’mon it was funny even if just a little. Right? So I quit laughing and quit talking ( very , very hard to do) and tried to get serious with making the leaves into the ultimate pooper scooper.

Well by then he must of taken pity on me because he handed me a shovel, YES a SHOVEL and a trash bag!! To clean up my own shit!!

I was mortified!! I cleaned it up ,threw it in the dumpster and hightailed it to the apartment!!!!

I’m still glad that I didn’t defile my brother’s bathroom and was able to keep my rep intact, even if it means that I had to shovel my own shit!!

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

THE LADY JANE

Totally Awkward Tuesday

Happy "Totally Awkward Tuesday" everybody!!! Brought to you by the Great Tova Darling
(if you haven't checked her out - do it!")

I was over at Tova's place and I read her "totally awkward post" and it reminded me of an interaction that I had last year.

My brother was getting married and of course I was in the wedding. Since I am a definite shorty, it goes without saying that I needed to get the dress hemmed. I went to this new seamstress to have her do her magic. I believe she was Korean, but she had very broken English and very sweet.

So anyways, she was down on the ground placing the pins to mark the hems , when she stood up and just started staring at the dress ( on me). I wasn't for sure what she was doing so I didn't do anything and just kind of smiled awkwardly. Finally, what seemed after a lengthy silence. She said " You have no Butt!" No, I couldn't have heard her right, its her broken English so I said "I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were saying." She started pointing at my derriere and said again "no butt. no butt. Looks no good in dress". Well with all the pointing to my rear , I perfectly understood what she was saying. So I started joking and was like "yeah, it sucks, I carry it all in my chest." ha ha ** awkward**. She was serious though and she told me that you could buy "fake butts" and that I needed to do that. I had to promise her that I would buy a "fake butt" and guess what?! I did!! And here it is:

"Padded Buttness" Where your booty is their Duty

( no lie...that's their advertisement)

To be perfectly honest...it has been one of my best investments!!!!
The Lady Jane

TMI- just an innocent day at the tanner....

Welcome to TMI Thursdays!!!

Created by the very own LiLu at http://livitluvit.com. Go check out her site - everbody who has a site will be listed there!! (But not right now, you have to finish what you started here!)

Here goes nothing….that is except my pride – that is out the window (and across the pond and through the woods...)

Now I need to preface this story by saying I was 16. SIXTEEN…

I’m from a small town – the kind where everybody knows everybody and there was only one salon/tanner in the town. It had 4 hairstylist and two tanning beds. One of the girls I went to high school with (older then me) was the secretary. The owner was the mom of a girl that I was on the dance squad with and one of the hairstylists was my old babysitter. You getting the idea, right?

It was prom time – so of course, I need a mean fake tan. Since there are only two tanning beds in the town – you had to make an appointment- no walk-ins.

It was time for my tanning appointment and I got there on time said my “Hello’s” and made my way back to the tanner. I think I had a date later that night...so forever running behind I decided not to use the bathroom before stripping down because, ya know, I had no time to waste!! So I get all prepped for the tanner and get in. I was laying there and jamming to the music when I felt a twinge…in my bladder.

Even though this was forever ago, this is what I am assume was going on in that pea-brain of mine.

Me thinking to myself:

Hhmmm...I can hold this...I just got in here...I have time.
A little bit later...
Seems like I have been lying here for awhile, (looked at my watch) only 5 minutes!! Damn! Ok...Ok...need to get my mind off of it. Ahhh…thinking about my date…what am I going to wear?
Mins past (so it seemed)
OK …I'll look at watch my watch - seriously time alsmost has to be up! (Look at watch). Ugh...what?! What did it do just stand still? Stupid tanner. Shit shit shit!!

At this point I couldn’t sit still, my legs were jiggling and I was starting to get really anxious and I was sweating (well that could of been from all the heat from the fake rays). OK...not many options…I could either get dressed and forfeit my time and use the ladies room or….what I ended up actually doing. Well, in my 16 year old head I thought there was no way I’m going to forfeit my time – as you remember there are only two beds in our town –they are a hot commodity – there was a waiting list for Gods Sake! So I did what I thought I had to do –

I peed in the trashcan!

Yep – I got out of the bed and squatted over the can and let loose. I can’t lie it felt great!!!!

It was after I did my business that I was like – Oh shit – what do I do now? So I took out the trash bag tied it up and then hid it between the wall and the tanner. Of course, right? Got back into the bed and relaxed and kept telling myself – that nobody will find it for awhile and they won’t link it back to me. I always wondered what they said when they came across the warm urine filled bag – that would have been a trip.
Hey the important thing is I looked great for my date that night, prom the next week, and I didn’t forfeit any of my time.

Aahhh..feels good to get that off my chest. Have a great day!!

The Lady Jane

The Tales of Dislocation

Okay - so for a couple of posts I have promised an explanation regarding a couple of matters i.e. From March 18th's post: My heart has been broken for about 3 years now. That is when I finally came to terms that I can no longer wear high heels. *sigh* Reason why...will save for another post !!!

From March 13th's post: I usually get really drunk and there will be some extremely embarrassing moments that I still can not live down. Those stories are another post. In fact maybe I will tell one of them in the next post. ( two words...hip dislocation...)

So here it is. I am about to make myself sound like such a Grandma...but honestly I'm only like 30! But here it is... I have dislocated my hip 4 times and broke it once...no lie! Recently had to have some major surgery on it...but I swear I am a rockin', uber awesome, fun lovin' gal..with a hip issue but still cute as hell ( at least that's what I am told!!). My hip, however, has provided me with some pretty good stories! So here is what I liketo call the tales of dislocation.

Dislocation #1:

The set-up:
New Job
I just got a new job on a statewide crisis line. It was the gig of gig's for a graduate social worker. All I had to do was sit in a room (or lay on the couch) with a couple of other people shooting the shit, readin gossip magazines, watch T.V. and surf the net. However, it started out with a bang (or a pop depending on how you look at it). It was my first day actually answering the phones. Two others were working with me and we just started watching a movie when the phone rang and one of the veterans says "Your up!!" So at that time I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and the phone was on the floor. I bent over to answer and "POP"..I mean a HUGE pop!! I screamed bloody murder and released several , several F bombs. It was the most mind-blowing pain I have ever had - mind you I had picked up the phone meaning there was a person "in crisis" listening on the other end as I am swearing like a sailor. Everyone freaked out..the ambulance had to be called!! It was disgusting - you could tell my hip was dislocated - I won't go into detail - just trust me. Side note - one of my co-workers who later turned out to be one my best gay guy friends started his own drama as I lay writhing in pain. He kept fanning himself and saying he was going to faint and then laid down beside me on the floor because his "knees buckled" - the ambulance people had to attend him too. He was fine - he just LOVES DRAMA.

2nd Dislocation

The set up:
Harper's Bar - 12:30am - Lansing, Michigan

Out with a huge group of friends, getting completely hammered ( as was everybody!!) and I was sitting at the table with my legs crossed...yep you guessed it ..POP! I knew immediately what happened and thanked the heavens above for all the alcohol I insulted on my body it helped to dull the excurritiating pain! It hurt like hell and I couldn't move at all for fear that I would just start screaming profanity again. Funny thing is all I did was just turn my upper body to the right and it popped out - I didn't even bend over. After dislocating it - I sat as still as I could the rest of the night with the exception of lifting my right arm to throw back shots like a champ. I didn't tell a soul at the table. I do have some pride ya know! There was no way in hell I was going to have an ambulance come in to a packed bar to get me for dislocating my hip - I would have rather died! So I sat there until closing time and then told my friends what had happened..waited for the bar to clear and the staff called the ambulance....and off to the hospital we go again. One of my friends had to leave to go to the bathroom to puke after taking one look at my dislocated hip! Whether she actually did - is questionable or maybe she was she was using it as an excuse because she drank waaaayyyy too much and had to puke anyways!! Fun times...

Dislocation 3#

Set up:
Best Friends wedding - Maid of Honor
I was practically pickled with alcohol that night and had been dancing like a mad woman in sky high heels all night while flirting with the best man ( grooms brother). All of the bridal party had hotel room's and the Best Man had the brilliant of idea of going back to the hotel room where he had more champagne to keep celebrating after the reception was over! Well - I thought he was a genius and a hottie at that so off to the hotel room we go. I won't get into details but lets just say when I woke up the next morning (wink) I for some reason did this move as though I flipped up my legs to propel my upper body up and at the same time twisting my body to get out of the bed. It was all very strange and of course I hear and feel "POP" and again a stream of profanity. Best man passed out but sat up and yelped out of shock at the my stream of profanity. Long story short...ambulance had to be called!! AAHHHH.... here is the additional comedy to the situation. One of the other bridesmaids came with me in the ambulance and she was in an extreme state of hungoverness and actually puked in the ambulance!! And while we were in the ER - the two ambulance guys came back and gave us there their phone numbers! Can you even believe - who does that?! Mind you - I had to miss brunch the next day - so my hook-up was well publicized with everyone ...including all the parents too. Oh the humiliation!

Dislocation #4
Set up:
Bridal shop: Trying on my MOH dress with the other bridesmaids and bride

We were in the dressing room together - giggling, drinking champagne ( see a theme here?) having fun and then I stepped into the dress, tripped and POP. Ugh.....ambulance came, hospital, yadda yadda.

Broken/fractured hip
Setup:
Walking my dog...squirrel...snap, crackle, POP!!!

And that there folks is why I can no longer wear high heels - except for very special occasions and for a short time. When I try ...my hip screams "NO HEELS FOR YOU" ***sigh*** can you hear my heart breaking...not my hip..my heart..geez!

The Lady Jane a.k.a the hipster

My very first post: run out of gas much?

I spent a considerable amount of time thinking what my first post should be. Do I start out with an "about me", a description of what this blog is about, or a short story. I opted to tell you of a situation that happened to me recently. Its a perfect example of me and my life.

The set-up for the story:

This happened earlier this week and I had recently had surgery and was on crutches. I was also 2 hours from where I live and was in town to get some tests done.

This test was time sensitive because they first inject dye into your system and then they wait for 4 hours and then do a scan. So here I am with 4 hours to kill and I can't go home. So what do I do..shop (of course!). So off to my beloved stores I go ( which I am for sure heard my name being called in the wind) . I had a very productive time..in which I purchased a cute pair of jeans and some jewelry. However, I have to say it is a pain in the ass to shop on crutches.

I head out to my vehicle, get in, turn it on , put it in drive...two feet and then its done. I knew then exactly what happened....ran out of gas. You might be wondering if I knew that I was low on gas and well....yeah I did. I really thought that I could go get it after I was done shopping. I should probably also tell you that in the past week and a 1/2 I have ran out of gas two other times. Yep..two...on the same day. In my defense this is a new vehicle and I have only had it a very short while and apparently when that light comes on ...you need to get your ass to a gas station pronto. This vehicle doesn't play.

So back to my dilemma. Let me recap. I am in a parking lot, which is actually pretty empty, on crutches, away from home, and have this time-sensitive radioactive dye in me and need to get to the hospital across town - like Now! Most people would might be panicking about now, but you see I am use to these situations. it is not something I am proud of but my poor decision making ends me up in a lot of bad situations. So I am sitting there trying to way out my options and am starting to see I don't have many.


Walk to gas station? Answer: No - on crutches and way too far.

Call a friend or my boyfriend? Answer: No - 2 hours away ( no good..only 1/2 hour until scan)

Maybe a friendly stranger in parking lot will drive me over? Answer: looking around pleadingly and see no friendly faces.

Triple a - you may ask. Answer : Nope

Uh, oh..now I am starting to get worried. I thought "what do people do when they are in trouble?" call the POLICE!! That's the ticket. I phoned the police - a nice lady answers. I explained the situation and she stated that she will send someone over. Phew!! I was going to be saved.
Then I waited and waited and waited. Phoned hospital - asked how long the dye is good for. They gave me an additional 1/2 hour.
and what do I see in the distance...a police car!! He pulls up , rolls down his window and stares at me, says nothing. **awkward**
I start babbling about my situation. He says nothing for the moment and then says "they said there was a women in the parking lot that couldn't walk" Ugh..talk about only giving half of the information.
At this moment - let me describe him.... well basically he looked like the blond guy from Reno 911 and he wore his dark sunglasses the whole time ( it wasn't sunny people..)

me: I really am in a bad spot and I really need to get to my appointment. I have this time-sensitive scan because they injected this dye into me and I can't walk to get gas ( look down at my crutches).

Officer Reno: I don't usually take money.
me: silently thinking, huh?
Officer Reno seeing my confusion: "You can give me money and I can go get the gas for you."
me: "I only have my debit and credit card, no cash. Sorry"
**silence**
I started babbling again.
Officer Reno: "My boss says that I can't transport anyone". Then stares at me..silence ensues....
me: "I don't know what to do then." With my puppy dog eyes
**Silence** ( this an extremely awkward conversation!!)

Officer Reno: again " I can't transport".
me: "well, do you have any other ideas?"....start to babble
Officer Reno: cuts me off "the back seats are hard, I don't think you can get into them."
me: "Don't worry - I'm desperate..I'll make it work someway."
Officer Reno: says nothing...more silence. No movement to open door.
me: " I would really appreciate it....I'm already late..I can..."
Officer Reno: "The seats are really hard."
me: doing everything in my power not to slam my head against my car.
more silence and staring which seems like forever....
Officer Reno lets me into his car. He's right the back seats are hard and plastic but I made it in.
me: thanking him profusely for taking me and helping me.
Officer Reno: "Why are you shopping if you are having surgery today?"
me: HUH??(in my head) I explain to him that I am not having surgery and that it is scan. However, he makes remarks to me having "surgery" a couple more times during our time together. We get gas, he takes me back to my car, and I make it to my appointment without a minute to spare.

That is me...always trippin' through life, but somehow, someway I land on my feet. Well, most of the time.
Hopefully - I will figure out how to customize my page...that shouldn't be too hard. ( yeah, right)

Lady Jane