The Tales of Dislocation

Okay - so for a couple of posts I have promised an explanation regarding a couple of matters i.e. From March 18th's post: My heart has been broken for about 3 years now. That is when I finally came to terms that I can no longer wear high heels. *sigh* Reason why...will save for another post !!!

From March 13th's post: I usually get really drunk and there will be some extremely embarrassing moments that I still can not live down. Those stories are another post. In fact maybe I will tell one of them in the next post. ( two words...hip dislocation...)

So here it is. I am about to make myself sound like such a Grandma...but honestly I'm only like 30! But here it is... I have dislocated my hip 4 times and broke it once...no lie! Recently had to have some major surgery on it...but I swear I am a rockin', uber awesome, fun lovin' gal..with a hip issue but still cute as hell ( at least that's what I am told!!). My hip, however, has provided me with some pretty good stories! So here is what I liketo call the tales of dislocation.

Dislocation #1:

The set-up:
New Job
I just got a new job on a statewide crisis line. It was the gig of gig's for a graduate social worker. All I had to do was sit in a room (or lay on the couch) with a couple of other people shooting the shit, readin gossip magazines, watch T.V. and surf the net. However, it started out with a bang (or a pop depending on how you look at it). It was my first day actually answering the phones. Two others were working with me and we just started watching a movie when the phone rang and one of the veterans says "Your up!!" So at that time I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and the phone was on the floor. I bent over to answer and "POP"..I mean a HUGE pop!! I screamed bloody murder and released several , several F bombs. It was the most mind-blowing pain I have ever had - mind you I had picked up the phone meaning there was a person "in crisis" listening on the other end as I am swearing like a sailor. Everyone freaked out..the ambulance had to be called!! It was disgusting - you could tell my hip was dislocated - I won't go into detail - just trust me. Side note - one of my co-workers who later turned out to be one my best gay guy friends started his own drama as I lay writhing in pain. He kept fanning himself and saying he was going to faint and then laid down beside me on the floor because his "knees buckled" - the ambulance people had to attend him too. He was fine - he just LOVES DRAMA.

2nd Dislocation

The set up:
Harper's Bar - 12:30am - Lansing, Michigan

Out with a huge group of friends, getting completely hammered ( as was everybody!!) and I was sitting at the table with my legs crossed...yep you guessed it ..POP! I knew immediately what happened and thanked the heavens above for all the alcohol I insulted on my body it helped to dull the excurritiating pain! It hurt like hell and I couldn't move at all for fear that I would just start screaming profanity again. Funny thing is all I did was just turn my upper body to the right and it popped out - I didn't even bend over. After dislocating it - I sat as still as I could the rest of the night with the exception of lifting my right arm to throw back shots like a champ. I didn't tell a soul at the table. I do have some pride ya know! There was no way in hell I was going to have an ambulance come in to a packed bar to get me for dislocating my hip - I would have rather died! So I sat there until closing time and then told my friends what had happened..waited for the bar to clear and the staff called the ambulance....and off to the hospital we go again. One of my friends had to leave to go to the bathroom to puke after taking one look at my dislocated hip! Whether she actually did - is questionable or maybe she was she was using it as an excuse because she drank waaaayyyy too much and had to puke anyways!! Fun times...

Dislocation 3#

Set up:
Best Friends wedding - Maid of Honor
I was practically pickled with alcohol that night and had been dancing like a mad woman in sky high heels all night while flirting with the best man ( grooms brother). All of the bridal party had hotel room's and the Best Man had the brilliant of idea of going back to the hotel room where he had more champagne to keep celebrating after the reception was over! Well - I thought he was a genius and a hottie at that so off to the hotel room we go. I won't get into details but lets just say when I woke up the next morning (wink) I for some reason did this move as though I flipped up my legs to propel my upper body up and at the same time twisting my body to get out of the bed. It was all very strange and of course I hear and feel "POP" and again a stream of profanity. Best man passed out but sat up and yelped out of shock at the my stream of profanity. Long story short...ambulance had to be called!! AAHHHH.... here is the additional comedy to the situation. One of the other bridesmaids came with me in the ambulance and she was in an extreme state of hungoverness and actually puked in the ambulance!! And while we were in the ER - the two ambulance guys came back and gave us there their phone numbers! Can you even believe - who does that?! Mind you - I had to miss brunch the next day - so my hook-up was well publicized with everyone ...including all the parents too. Oh the humiliation!

Dislocation #4
Set up:
Bridal shop: Trying on my MOH dress with the other bridesmaids and bride

We were in the dressing room together - giggling, drinking champagne ( see a theme here?) having fun and then I stepped into the dress, tripped and POP. Ugh.....ambulance came, hospital, yadda yadda.

Broken/fractured hip
Setup:
Walking my dog...squirrel...snap, crackle, POP!!!

And that there folks is why I can no longer wear high heels - except for very special occasions and for a short time. When I try ...my hip screams "NO HEELS FOR YOU" ***sigh*** can you hear my heart breaking...not my hip..my heart..geez!

The Lady Jane a.k.a the hipster