The engagement/elopement/I don't know

YAY!

It made me so happy to get all the comments about what people wanted to hear about! Oh how I have missed you guys:)

As you can probably guess the whole engagement/elopement won out as the first "comeback" post.

I just have to say one thing before i get to the storytelling. I have to come clean.

I am a procrastinator.



I know...you probably already knew that and if I look into past posts - I am sure I mentioned it.

However, I just had to say it again. So often I put off doing a post because I am not feeling my "creativity." I always think I have to be witty or have cute pics to go with the post and by me putting this pressure on myself to be creative often to ends up me not blogging for long periods of time.

So you know what? I'm done with that. You are going to have to take me as I am even on my crappiest of creative days.



What I am getting at is that today is one of those days...actually the last few days have been that and I didn't want to put this off any longer waiting for just that "right time".

So your just going to have to deal with it!



(actually, you are probably saying to yourself "IF those past posts were creative, then I hate to see what this one is going to be!")

and you are probably right!



Anyways......

on to the story!!

OK.... The Duke and I have been talking marriage for quite some time and would say things like "when we get settled in our jobs, we will get engaged"

or

"when we are more financially secure, we will get engaged",

or


"the holidays are always a great time to get engaged."

But you know as well as we know that there is never that "perfect"time. So a couple of weeks ago we were out to eat and we started talking about when it would be a good time to get engaged and then we realized that at this rate we were NEVER going to get married!! So after some drinks we were like " Hey lets just go get married!!" and you know what? We basically did just that!

The next day The Duke called up the courthouse to talk to them about getting married there that day. (yes, romantic..I know:)

But I didn't know he was going to call. We didn't make very specific plans the night before - we were just like "YEAH!" lets do it!"

Anyways, Duke calls me at work and tells me to come home....not sure why...I came home.



Duke tells me that he set it all up!! We can go get married at the courthouse that day!!



You could have knocked me over with a feather....seriously....

So like two excited little kids - we start racing around the house, Duke calls my dad for permission ( insert awwww.... here) , we change our clothes and off to the courthouse we go.

In the midst of running around I look at the Duke and I say:



Me: "Hey, what are we going to do for rings?"

Duke: "We need rings?"

Me: "Um, yeah!!!"


Duke: "Yeah, didn't think about that"

So we go scurrying through my jewelry chest and I pull out this 3 dollar huge-ass fake diamondette ring...that has an adjustable back. Bling! Bling!

( actually it was bigger and gaudier than this ring!) ( Is gaudier a word?)

And then...

The Duke pulled out his High School Class Ring ( the only ring he owns) and we were back in business!

BTW....the class ring only fits his pinky now!


So we go off skipping to the courthouse, proud as two peacocks that we were doing this uber adult thing...like an adult rite of passage... when we came face to face with the Courthouse Lady!


Duke: "I called earlier. We are going to get married today"

Courthouse Lady (looking at us like we are craazzy) : " your what?"

Duke: "Getting married"

Courthouse Lady: "Sir, we don't do weddings here"

Duke: " Well I spoke to someone and they said we could pay the extra 5 dollars to have it done today"

Courthouse Lady: " Were you talking to them about a Marriage License?"

Duke: "yeah"

Courthouse Lady: " Sir, that does not mean that you can get married today. It just means that you can get your license today by paying the extra 5 dollars instead of waiting the three days."

Duke: nothing... just looking very confused


Me: utterly embarrassed

Courthouse Lady;" We can get you the license today but the courthouse does not do weddings"

Duke: still looking confused

Me: "we will take the license"

Lady goes to get the paperwork...

I start to die laughing....Duke too...

Lady comes back and we fill out all the forms and pay our money, dot our I's , cross our T's and we get handed our OFFICIAL Marriage License!!

and...

Duke then looks at the courthouse Lady and says, (no lie) " So does this mean we are married?"

I just put my head down on the counter

Poor guy...he just doesn't get it!!

I'm going to end here since this is getting long! I guess you will have to come back to find out what happened next!



Till next time...

Lady Jane

I'm baaaccckkkk!!!

Ugh.... I have no idea how to even start this!

For starters this is my first time even logging into blogger since....well, my last post!

SO many things have happened since then and to be totally honest the past month I have been avoiding coming back because I felt SO guilty!!

I honestly didn't think that it would really matter that I hadn't posted in awhile so you can imagine my shock and (horror!!) when a month ago I logged into my trippinthroughlife email and I saw e-mails and comments left on my last post wondering where the hell I was and some people thinking that something happened to me. ( was that a run-on sentence, or what?) I probably should have logged on right then and wrote "I'M NOT DEAD!!" but did I? Well, we all know the answer to that one. Instead, I tried to think of something that I could say that would make me not posting for 3 months all OK and nobody would be mad.

YES, I worry that much about what people think. Yes, even people I have never met. Sheesh!

And I came up with NOTHING. A whole month of thinking of just that right thing to say and ....nothing.

Today - I just thought to hell with it - I'll post anyways.

I have no idea where to even start....ALOT has happened. So what I've decided to do is list a bunch of things that have been going on and then all of you can leave a comment saying what you want to hear about first and we will just play it like that:)

OK...HERE WE GO!

1) Another hospitalization
2) a very awkward situation regarding a toilet
3) I quit my job
4) I got new eye glasses
5) I got engaged
6) I started my own business
7) I bought a wedding dress ( a month before I got engaged)
8) The Duke and I are official RVer's (not sure if that is a word)
9) The Duke and I eloped
10) I now steal toilet paper and taco sauce packets
11) I made the Duke very upset.....( this doesn't happen much)

So chime in..... what do you want to hear about. Give me your top 3!

Missed you!! Honestly I did:)

The Lady Jane

TMI Thursday: the bedside commode

Hey everyone!!!! Happy TMI THURSDAY!!

***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know it has been a long time..2 weeks I think! If you remember from my last post I was in the hospital due to my leg and I actually ended up being in there for awhile ( IV antibiotics..the reason).

Well I was in there long enough to have another roommate...

I got Jean 2.0

Jean left and I did a little dance of joy as I had the whole room to myself. However, I was quickly assured by the nursing staff that the bed would probably be filled by the end of the day due to the hospital being at its capacity and the ER being full.

Sigh.. but I had high hopes for next my roommate...I mean she couldn't be as annoying as Jean.

Right? WRONG!!

Her name was Glenda.

Glenda was very nice, however, if I dare to say way GROSSER than Jean.

Glenda was in her mid 40s and had come to the hospital for stomach pains...I'm sure you can see where this is going.

There is sooo much I could write about Glenda and her antics but I will just tell ya of the **highlights** of her stay.

On her first night she had to drink this nasty stuff called "Go-Lightly" for her colonoscopy. I can attest to the fact that it is beyond disgusting but it is doable and I didn't think that the drama that ensued that night was all necessary but whatevs..

"Go Lightly" plain and simple is to make you shit and clear you out completely for the test. ( The name is totally ironic..ha ha)

Glenda was extremely over weight and because of this she said it was very difficult to get out of bed very fast and she was afraid of not making it to the bathroom...when I heard this I wanted to scream because I knew what this meant...

a COMMODE!!!!

Ugh...come on! Seriously people HER bed is right next to the bathroom. The commode sat right next to the door of the bathroom. She would have only had to walk like 3 more feet and BAM she is there, but Noooooo she got the bedside commode!

So for the whole night (7pm until 9am to be exact) I was treated with crying and hysterics about the fact that she "could not drink anymore of this shit and that it was too nasty". ( shit being a theme, I guess)
Several nurses had to come in and give her pep talks which then led into threatening because Glenda started refusing to drink anymore...

As soon as you start drinking this stuff you start pooping and lord have mercy did she ever!!!

There was only a curtain between us and I swear all the farting, shitting, squirting was about enough to make me puke but what was WAY worse was the smell!! OMG the smell!

My room stank so bad! I had my nose covered with the sheet and I was putting my good smelling lip gloss under my nose. Finally the nurses had to come in about every hour 1/2 to spray down the room. Which then just made it smell like pine -sol and shit.

So this went on all night!

When the nurses came to empty the contents...they had to flush the toilet 10 times to get it all down.

Yes...I counted the flushes.

There wasn't much to do. I also took notes on my iphone and I recorded Glenda talking and groaning to herself ( she did this a ton) ...but I have no idea how to upload it on here. Sorry...

Anyways, Glenda went for her test the next day and I THOUGHT that it would be the last of the bedside commode...um no.

She wanted to keep it because now her knee was bothering her. I thought I was going to SCREAM!!! The worst was is that the next day was my birthday and I knew I was going to have a lot of visitors.

Awkward...especially when it was the Duke's brother and dad there! Sheesh!

She didn't go poop WHILE they were there, but she did puke. and well...there were noises.

And yes...the room still stank.

The best part (or worst) was the night after her test and she was out of her bed and started to walk when "shit just fell from her ass unto the floor." I put this in quotes because this is exactly what she told the nurses.

Oh yes...you read it correctly. She poo poo'd on the floor.

Apparently my lovely readers when the "SHIT JUST FELL FROM HER ASS!" ...she stepped in it too. Lovely...just lovely.

Yep... stepped in the shit.

Ya know what...she didn't even shower until late the next day!!!

She thought this was freakin' hilarious! I swear she called everyone she knew to tell them about it.

That was the other thing she was on the phone 24 -7.

Over the course of my life I have been in the hospital several times ( posts for another time) but these roommates are definitely at the top of my "roommates from hell" list. Yeah, I have a list...what of it???

I swear these posts don't even began to do these women justice because I cannot adequately describe them and how annoying they really were.

I have incredible patience and empathy too...but these two were just plain rude. I know you don't feel good...I've been there, but couldn't there have been an excuse me or an I'm sorry. Those little words sometimes make a big difference.

So to all of you out there in bloggy world...if you ever have to share a hospital room and you need to poop in a commode or you have incredibly horrible gas. Some sort of acknowledgement to your roommate about it and that your sorry that she has to be in the room with you at least lets the roommate know that you recognize the fact that its a bad situation.

I apologize when I have gas...just sayin'.

Not saying that a sick person has to apologize for being sick....but...well it would have made me feel less angry and annoyed.

Oh and BTW...the result of her test...she has bad gas.

Yeah...I could have told ya that!

THE LADY JANE

Seriously...this is my 4th of July?

Well....I'm in the hospital due to getting an infection in my infamous leg wound. BOO!! I have to stay here until it clears up. Which sucks because obviously its 4th of July weekend and we were going away but its also my birthday Monday. Sheesh

Karma has also made little visit to me. Her name is Jeanne.

If you remember ( well, really how could you forget!) in my last post I told you that I was a horrible person to sit next to on the plane..click here to refresh your memory.

Well...Karma came and bit me in the ass. It is so true the saying "what you put out in this world you get back tri-fold." or something like that.

I am sharing my hospital room with a woman named Jeanne who is horribly annoying! I feel bad saying that but its the truth. Within the first hour of the Duke and I being in this room...he turned and looked at me and said "I think you definitely have your next blog post!" and boy was he right. Whats funny is that the next day the Duke brought me the laptop ...just to make sure I would do the blog post while it was all fresh in my mind!

However, as I sit here I am struggling with how I can accurately describe her. I feel like it might be one of those times where you have to see it ( or hear it) to believe it, but I will do my best.

To start off... it is NEVER, EVER quiet! EVER!

Right now I am listening to her in the bathroom...I know gross...its not like I am listening to her dropping a gift to the toilet god...I'm listening to her groaning VERY loudly and muttering to herself about how good it feels. Yep...that's how it is every time she goes to the bathroom and she goes in there a lot. However, most of the time her commentary in the bathroom consists of her complaining she can't go.

So now that we all know that she is loud in the bathroom...she is also loud just lying in bed.

It is a C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T stream of groaning, sighing, burping, farting, and snoring. I mean CONSTANT...it never ends. I can't even hold a conversation with the Duke when he is here. Its way too distracting and lets face it...funny.

Picture it...

Duke sitting at my bedside telling me how much he loves me and then there is a series of the most disgusting burps coming from the other side of the curtain...there is never an "excuse me" or she never goes to the bathroom to try to excuse herself. Oh no...she sits on the edge of her bed ...closest to me...and slaps herself on her stomach literally to burp herself. Over and over.

Right now she is swearing at the Ivac machine telling it to "shut the hell up" because it is beeping. Funny thing...she used to be a nurse here about 5 yers ago, she is retired now, so why she doesn't push the hold button to stop it beeping I will never know...she doesn't respond well to suggestions.

She swears at other people's Ivac machines for going off when they are down the hall. She mimics (very rudely) people who are talking in the hallway or after doctor/nurses have just left her. Occasionally she has thrown a couple of things i.e. at the TV after she accidentally turned it on but couldn't shut it off ( turns out she was sitting on the remote). Good times...

She does NOT tie her gown in the back. It "chokes her". Which that is ever so lovely...I think it may have scarred the Duke...poor guy. She also lays on the bed with her legs open and no covers and you have to pass by her on your way to me or I have to pass by her on the way to the bathroom. I thought about getting pics...but thought that might be too much to handle. However, if I could find a way to record her that would be AWESOME! Seriously.

When she is not swearing, burping, farting, or throwing things she will lay there and just LOUDLY sigh and grunt...continuously. I seriously need a recorder!!

Uh oh...the nurse just came in and said to her that the Doc ordered her an enema...and they are going to do it right now. AHHHH......I am going to stay on here so I can give you a play by play.

Hey what other blog ...can you get a play by play of an Enema...I'm pretty sure that its just here. Could this be my claim to fame??....hmmmm...

Nurse is getting on her gloves....
they are going to do it the bathroom...
Nurse just said " I hope I don't get any on your undies..." "Its usually little messy"
Jeanne " Its leaking already, dammit"
Nurse " Go get over the toilet"
Jeanne " lots of grunts, and ahhh's"

apparently Jeanne needs a new pair of undies...Nurse going to get some.

More groaning...lots of loud groaning...

I'm ending here...you don't even want to know...

Can' t believe I just did a recap of Enema...that's where I am at people!!

Right now...she must not like the TV show I have on..BTW...its a person singing on the TODAY show. She just did her own rude rendition of the song and then said " Get me out of this insane asylum"

Awesome, just awesome!!

Seriously, who else is going to have this much fun for their 4th of July.

THE LADY JANE

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Flying

I'mmmm baaaccckkkk!!!!!!!!

I will tell ya more on my Florida vacay a little later because its Totally Awkward Tuesday time and I do have a little story from my recent trip for you all.

Picture this:

It was the plane ride back home, I had the window on my left and a girl on my right ( she was about my age, early twenties...okay, okay....thirties...sheesh) .

Plane ride started out OK, about 30 minutes into the flight I had to take one of my antibiotics. I reached down into my bag to get them and as I was bringing the bottle up ...butter finger strikes and I drop the bottle and it rolled back under my seat...ugh!

The next 5 minutes I spent trying to reach under my seat trying to grab the bottle. 5 minutes may not seem long but it was an eternity

Especially when you have to bend over and either grab through your wide spread legs or turn your knees to one side and bend over and try to reach under. (So then your butt could possibly be staring them in the face)
Then you grunt a little as your trying to make your arms be go-go-gadget like due to having impossibly short arms.

Its just not graceful or becoming at all and definitely awkward.

i apologized to my neighbor for being disruptive and she offered to help me, but in the end I got it and went back to reading my book.

I was super exhausted and was starting to doze as I read and as I started to sleep.... purring followed ( Duke likes to call it snoring, but purring is a lot cuter. Even though Duke says what I do is no where near sounding cute...whatevs! post for another day)

I was trying so hard to fight the good fight with my eyes to keep open, but every now and then I would jolt myself awake with a snort...yes a snort!! ugh...embarrassing

I got a pop in an attempt to help wake me up. I put the tray down to set my pop on and it also was great to lean my book on why i read.

So as I was reading when the sleep fairies came again .....and no matter how much I fought them, they won out and the purring/snoring began again...

and then a big ol'snort!! awkward...

the kind that wakes you right up!! I jolted up right so hard that my book hit the tray which then knocked over my pop right into the girls lap next to me!! She jumped...I dropped my book when I went to grab the pop ( no luck)...pop everywhere...oopsie!

Ugh...I kept apologizing...waved to the flight attendant to come help us...she did and brought lots of napkins. The girl said it was OK...but I am positive she was annoyed by this time.

After we got cleaned up I knew that I had to use the bathroom but there is no way I wanted to ask the 2 people sitting in my row to get up now...I have already been such a pain in the butt. It wasn't too bad and I thought I would be fine until the plane landed.

After a few minutes of just sitting there perfectly still and trying not to be annoying, I still wanted to read my book that was now laying on the floor. Even though I didn't want to awkwardly bend over to get something under my seat, the need to know what was happening with the Edward/Bella/Jacob triangle was too hard to resist.

So I bent over to get the book when I ripped a fart. Yep...I ripped one. a minor stinky one.

I could have D.I.E.D from embarrassment right there on the spot! The worst thing...its not like you can blame someone else or move ( run) away from the person . You just have to sit there and endure...

Klassy...right?!

If It wasn't awkward enough before it certainly was now!

I'm sure that girl had a story all about me when she got off that plane.

Happy Totally Awkward Tuesday! Go check out the rest of the awkward stories at Tova's place!!

The Lady Jane

Drinking and walking do not mix

WARNING***WARNING*****WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING

If you do not like the sight of blood do not go any further....there are pictures attached that may make you vomit...just sayin'

If you do decide to keep reading and do vomit...don't say I didn't warn you.

Ok...

Long story short...I got completely bombed on Saturday night at my friends party.

Yep...completely bombed

( which by he way it was a GREAT party! Food, drinks, and a DJ...what more could ya want?)

Anyways I was very drunk and it was 3 in the morning when the Duke and I decided to go home ( well to my parents house - we were about 3 hours from our actual house)

and as we were walking out the garage door I was simultaneously turning around to say some witty comment upon my exit when I hit the cement step and fell. I landed with a thud, sat stunned...and then started laughing uncontrollably!! I couldn't stop.

I do this whenever I fall or I see someone else fall. To me it is the most hilarious thing ever and No it does not matter if they are really hurt or not. Awful, I know.

I guess nobody really saw me fall except the Duke. He made sure I was OK and then we both laughed all the way to the car..which was actually quite a ways. When we got in, I bent down to see my leg because I was pretty sure I had a nasty bruise. However, when I touched it..it was wet and gooey!

I turned to the Duke and held up my hand and said "Is this blood?"

Duke freaked out because when he turned on the light in the car..there was lots of blood..lots.

He pulled the car up to the house and ran to get some bandages, towels, whatever...

Everyone then came running out the house and they totally freaked on me!

Saying things like

"OMG..its like a piece of meat is hanging off!"

"we need bandages..STAT"

"i'm gonna faint"

and

As for me I was still laughing.... I felt like it was all I could do.

They did bandage me up..see pic below..and off to the hospital I went.

**amazing, the things you can do with Duct tape**

Yes..my foot is swollen...I do not have cankles.

The Duke did make a pit stop at my parent's house to pick them up so they could actually drive us there..because the Duke had a lot to drink too and they are luck was going we didn't want to chance it.

Its always nice to surprise your parents with a trip to the ER at 3:30 in the morning!

I wish I could say that was first time...but that's for another post.

Are you ready for the pics??? Remember I did warn you!

I am going to rock the mini skirt this summer..fo sho

For some reason ( read..pain meds) I was making the Duke and my mom give two thumbs up. I made them do this pose like 5 times. Why...who knows?

At 6:30 am I was finally let go and all they did was put a bandage on. I guess they couldn't "salvage" my skin..so they referred me to a wound clinic. Seriously??

I went to the "wound clinic" today. Apparently they have to leave the wound open and let the skin die off. DIE OFF??!!

I have a huge ass dressing that I have to change twice a day, a ruined pair of jeans, blood soaked shoes..that I am pretty sure a ruined too , blood in my new Escape, and I can't swim all summer.

Oh yeah...I am totally bruised up to my thigh and I have a Hematoma on the other leg too.

Yay for my first day of summer break!!

Moral of the story: Don't try to be funny, just look where you are walking.

THE LADY JANE

the campaign of all campaigns!!!

Ladies ( and gentlemen - I think there are a couple)

There is a movement, a crusade, a battle, if you will, that is beginning to sweep the nation ( with your help, of course!)

My bloggy friend Sassy Britches told us about a campaign that they tried to start in college and I have to tell you I jumped on this idea faster than I do a cheeseburger after a night of drinking!! and let me tell ya...that's fast!! The Duke can attest.


Well Sassy had a lot of responses to her post from women across the US...so she has made it official and the war has begun!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know, I know! I'm sure your like "For the love all things Holy..tell us already!"


so without further ado, I give you the


WIPE THE WEINER campaign

Oh yes! You read it right!!

As soon as I read her story about her college attempt - I was all "OMG...I think about that all the time!!"

I mean really....do they think a good "shake" takes care of all the pee droplets?? Yeah..a few go on the back of the toilet or if I am really lucky and they are a little over zealous with the shaky shake and I can even get it on the vanity or the wall!

Seriously...why would they ever think it would be okay not to wipe???

a dab or two..c'mon! It would be as quick as a good jiggle and CLEANER I might add!!!

Lets not even get to the topic of underwear spottage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyways....SPREAD THE WORD!!!

Go grab a button at Sassy's...like Now!!

All WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD UNITE!!!!!!!

We are women hear us ROAR!

yeah...i'm a little excited.

editors note** there has been a controversy about the spelling of Weiner..German vs. English.."I" before "e"...yadda yadda. We like Weiner...Sassy looked it up ..its all good.

Sorry about the spacing on the 2nd half...Blogger won't change it for me! Anyone alse having spacing issues?

THE LADY JANE

First guest post!

I'm guest posting for the TOVA MOVING EXTRAVAGANZA today...post is going up at 9:30 am today...be there!!! Or be square! ( sorry couldn't resist!)

One word for ya...thongs....

Not Me Monday - Highland Festival edition

I am a total virgin at this "Not Me Monday".....but I loved it sooo much when Gina did it that I wanted to get on the bandwagon too...and what a bandwagon...last time at looked there was 500 people on Mr. Linky's that do it!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I am NOT sneaking to do this post before the Duke wakes up, because he and my parents did NOT have an intervention of sorts with me about the time I spend on the computer being in direct correalation with my weight gain ( that I have NOT been crying and complaining about for weeks now). I would NEVER complain about something and never do anything about it and drive everybody crazy with it. NOT ME.

I did NOT forget to change the oil in my new car. I certainly am not over 5,ooo miles past due. I would never do that because I know what happens when you do not change your oil ( sniff, sniff, my 1989 broncoII) I never NOT learn my lesson. I did NOT get a bunch of flak from my Dad and Duke about this. I did NOT get really mad at the Duke for bringing it up, I did NOT threatned bodily harm to him or tell him he would wish he was never born, and that our ride home was going to be hell...all 2 1/2 hrs. NOT ME!!

I did NOT sneak in alcohol into the Highland Festival Beer tent. Not ME!! They were NOT these cute little things of vodka called "porta shots" that the Duke's brother brought up from Florida. That is just childish. And I did NOT find total happinness when my friend and her husband who came with us pulled out a flask they snuck into the tent too. We would NEVER do this since that one year when we and a bunch of friends were caught using fake tickets to buy drinks and our friend who was working at the Beer tent got fired and we were almost banned. Like I said I NEVER not learn my lesson.

I definately did NOT throw up in my mouth at the Scotch tasting tent!! I did NOT say loudly enough for all the serious Scotch fantatics to hear that I thought it was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted! I did NOT take pics of everybody making the "Scotch face" after trying it. I certainly am NOT going to post them all over my facebook page for everyone to see...that's just being a bad friend.

At the end of the night I did NOT find Duke making friends with a Highland Steer and I definately did NOT freak out because he had half his body in the cage . The horns ( whatever they are called) were NOT the most mammoth things I have ever seen and could have pierced right through the Duke.!

I also did NOT laugh my ass off at the Duke when he ran around the track as fast as he can to prove his athletic ability all the while carrying his ciggarette. I did NOT make fun of his running for the rest of the night...NOT ME.

THE END

side note: I have been a terribly blogger this week and a not so great commenter. I will get back on track:))

The Lady Jane

I do kiss and tell

The new season of the Bachelorette is here...really I don't give a flying f***, ( used to be addicted to the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows, but that stopped a long time ago) now I am on to better reality shows. Oh yeah I didn't give up reality shows ..just this particular one.

Anyways where was I going with this...oh yeah..I was reading a blog post at Fleur-de-licious and she was saying that she knows someone that knows one of the guys on the bachelorette. Which reminded me of my own connection with a past contestant.

Picture this....

I was sitting on my bed doing something..I don't know work, listing what I ate that day, a plan to save the world..I can't remember. What I do remember is being excited about Season 3 of the Bachelorette starting... with Jen Scheft. So the first show is all about seeing who the guys are that are vying for her affection and their 15 minutes of fame.

They are showing clips of each guy talking about himself...

Blah, Blah, from so and so who is a pharmaceutical rep ( isn't everyone on that show..girl or guy)

Bobby Jo from some big city who is a rodeo clown ( they always have one with a weird occupation)

Michael from somewhere no one has ever heard of who is a teacher ( the token one that is full of heart, no money in the bank, but just wants to help others and is looking for love...the sap)

When I almost choked on my bedtime snack!

Wait!!! Back-up!! I know that guy...I've kissed that guy...I hid from that guy and he is no sweet ol' boy trying to do good!

Oh, no he's not!!!

Let me give ya the 411 on how I met this dude ( yep, I said dude)

It was memorial day weekend and one of my guy friends had invited me up to his family's place up north. I've known this guy for years. We went to high school together, his parents are friends with my parents, I even threw him a baby shower for the girl he knocked up that he had no romantic relationship with. In short, he is one of my best friends...but he is flipping crazy and that is why I love him. Crazies attract crazies and there is always a good time to be had by all.

So too make a long weekend of drinking and being stupid short...I am only going to tell the one part that is the whole reason I am doing the post.

There was a friend of J's ( my guy friend) there for the weekend. He was a big guy, one of those body builder types!! We started drinking as soon as we got there and the more we drank the CRAZIER he got. I know, I know your probably saying duh, that's what you do when you are drinking a lot. What I'm saying is that he got CRAZY, not drunk. He said he didn't drink " His body is his temple" or some shit like that...But he started to get the wild eyes, flexing, and making all these weird grunts. He would continually chase me around because he wanted to bench press me, lift me over his head, see how far he could throw me ( I was all of 96 lbs then) andat one point I thought he might eat me ( he was licking his lips a lot).
It was on the last night there that he cornered me and mashed his face on mine. He probably called it a kiss, I call it a mash. No pleasure at all, only pain. I was squirming and then my girlfriend saw me and saved me. Thank God, because I was pretty sure that my teeth were coming through my lips at one point.

Then it all finally made sense, when we overheard him offer a couple of the guys GHB ( the date rape drug). Bingo. Guy on date rape drug = crazy! Then I freaked that he put something in my my drink, but then my friend pointed out that when he was pulverizing my face with his lips I probably wouldn't haven't been trying to get away. I've never been slipped a rooghy ( well, i don't think so. I was hoping I had before because of some really bad-hook-ups, but I looked up the signs and nope..I wasn't drugged just too wasted with a bad case of beer goggles)..sorry getting side tracked again.

My friend and I found his duffel bag and looked through it ( hey, we were curious and it seemed like a brilliant idea to investigate this guy more) and there was a ton of pills in there, and hypodermic needles ( steroids). No wonder he didn't drink, he had a freakin pharmacy in there!

So back to the bachelorette. When he came on saying he was a teacher and looking for love, just a nice guy...blah...blah. I seriously started laughing until I almost puked. Of course I called my friend and had her check out the show to make sure I was right. I was.. he just looked different when he wasn't grunting and trying to break me in half!

He was pretty normal, maybe a little tooo sappy but way different then the guy I met the year before. I spoke with J who stated that this guy wasn't really a teacher either...he had substitute taught but that was all...

Yuck...I better get ready for work...later!

The Lady Jane

I have no idea what to title this??!!

I think this is going to be one of those posts that is going to be random...I'm thinking bullet point. It might be easier for you all to follow my ramblings. Just an FYI..its not going to be witty either because....

• I'm dyin......of PAIN!! Ok, this is how I know I am seriously out of shape ( I knew I was but this even surprised me) I am in some serious, drug needing, pain from Tai Chi!!

Yeah, Tai Chi

A person doing tai chi moves his body slowly and gently, while breathing deeply and meditating (tai chi is sometimes called "moving meditation")

I know it is also considered a "combat style" but the above description is what I am doing!

How embarrassing! I am going to hide my face from the world ( probably under a blanket and on top of a heating pad....just sayin'. ) So as if wasn't feeling bad enough I took a break from this post to go read some other blogs and that's when I read this by my lovely bloggy friend Gina! Talk about just rubbing my face right in the doo - doo. I know, i know this post didn't actually exist when she wrote it but my face still feels like it has doo - doo on it!
I need to keep moving on...because I don't know how much typing my poor arms can take. Seriously...

• Update on my Rite Aid Sucks post - If you haven't looked in the comments section lately (c'mon I know you all can't get enough of me and you read the comment section when I have not posted...just admit it. Trust me you feel better) But just in case you are one of the rare few who do not do this.... This is the comment

Hi "Lady Jane,"

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. This is not a policy, and I'd like to investigate. Would you please call me and share where and when this occurred so that I may pursue.

Thanks in advance for your time,

Eric Harkreader
Rite Aid Public Relations
(717) 975-5713

I'm totally going to call him...but I only remember on the weekend when Eric isn't working. **lightbulb** I will put a reminder in my lovely i-phone. So I guess this kind of sucks an update when I haven't actually called him yet...consider it part 2 on my revenge on Rite-Aid.

• Update on EMO kid ( you can read up on him here and here) .....he was locked up for like 3 weeks and he returned Friday...ugh. He shaved off all his hair and he wore NO makeup . He made this big apology, I think its the honey moon period..but I am trying to stay positive. he will not kill me, he will not kill me

• I do have an update on the "people who want my money so they invited us to their wedding even though we have never met them". I conducted a full investigation and here are the results....its a cousin of the Duke's. He has NEVER met them and is not in contact with the groom to be's immediate family. Uh..Weird!! I guess I would save my guest list for people we actually know and have had at least one conversation with...just sayin"

• Only 17 more school days until I am FREE!!!! For a whole 2 1/2 months!!! I would start dancing...but ya know...I'm in pain
  

Need to go get some ice packs! I'm out....

THE LADY JANE

Totally Awkward Tuesday: Who the hell is this?

Sad news first, Awkward news second...

this is the last Totally Awkward Tuesday for awhile...not forever!! Just until Ms. Tova Darling comes back and says "Game On". She is moving to a different state and has a ton on her plate. However, tre' exciting for her!!!!!!

I wasn't going to post today but since this is it for awhile...I wanted to do the honor of posting one more "Totally Awkward Tuesday" and since this just happened yesterday...I though it might fit the bill.

The Duke and I got this in the mail yesterday....

Nice, huh?? Beautiful invitation, looks exciting...I mean its in Hilton Head!!!

But there is one thing wrong with this....

We don't know who the hell these people are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( Awkward, yes?)

As you can see there is even a picture with the invitation on one of those magnets you can put on the fridge so you won't forget the date ...obviously we need this because we FORGOT THE PEOPLE ALL TOGETHER!!

You might wonder if they just sent it to the wrong address of the person with the same name but...(insert buzzer sound) NOPE. It had BOTH of our names on it and we have different last names. Way too random.

I've been to a million weddings ( slight exaggeration) but A LOT and I have personally been IN 20 weddings ( FYI...I did a post about this...just sayin') So I know that wedding guest lists are really difficult and USUALLY you don't invite people you hardly know, but whatevs I guess.

Then I read the post card that came with it - you can see the pic...but I'm going to write it out so you can digest every sweet little word of it.

Many of our guests have enquired
For a gift idea to be inspired

Like many young couples today
We have most things anyway

If you would like to give, it is our request
For something for our Treasure Chest

A gift of Money you can afford
Is just what we need you can be assured

Without the help of this little pun
Our honeymoon would not be fun.

R they saying they can't have a honeymoon unless they get some money? Oh wait..they just won't have a fun honeymoon, yeah thats it!!

****and just to be sure- they put there address on the back in case you can't come. Klassy!

Hopefully, I will get to the bottom of it and find out who these people are and why they want my money!!

I hope they don't read blogs and see their invitation...that might be a little awkward

The Lady Jane

You suck Rite Aid!!

Dear Rite- Aid Pharmacy:

I have a bone to pick with you. I want to know who came up with the stupid idea of putting the customers money/credit card/debit card IN the prescription bag with the bottle of pills.

Really?!

You put the money/card in there and then shove a bunch of useless pamphlet information in there and the staple it all shut. WHY??? The card gets lost in all the pamphlets and well it shouldn't be in there anyways! It takes more effort to put it in the effin' bag then it does just to give it back to me!!

Why can't you to send the bag and the money/card through the drive through slot separately??

You see...I was very inconvenienced this morning when I went to the gas station on my way to work to grab one of their energy infused coffees....(I really needed that shockwave of coffee!) and then when it was time to pay, I couldn't find my debit card. ANYWHERE!! I spent so much time looking for it that I ended up being late to work and without having any of my shock wave coffee!! This was not good!

It was only after I gave up looking did it dawn on me that it was probably in the prescription bag. You see..you corporate monger..you have tricked me before with this sly move and I have thrown away precious cash!

I'm wondering if it is just you and maybe not all your other branches do it. I know one of you has a crush on the Duke.... are you doing this to mess with me???

Well, you didn't get me this time!! I hurried up and called the Duke and made him go out to the trash on the side of the road ( yes, it was trash day!) and search through the trash for that prescription bag that held my beloved debit card. So the joke's on you Rite Aid !!!! I got it and
I 'm not going to fall for your Shenanigans again. And the Duke's mad at you too now ...so watch out!

The Lady Jane ( who loved the idea of open letters that many bloggers do....oh, no is this plagiarizing??? gah.....I hope not...i don't want to be the latest sensation on the internet!!)

Confession Friday and the Po Po!!!

What am I doing you ask?

Oh, just completing a statement form for the Police.

Why am I doing that you ask?

Because the kids I work with are mofo crazy!!

Is it because of the kid you mentioned last week that made journal entry about slaughtering you all like cows?

No. The statements are about two different situations regarding two different kids

Is this the first time you had to make a statement?

Actually this is my second one this week.

What happened you ask?

Which time? Out of 5 school days, the police had to come for 4 of them.
And yes, you read it correctly 4 F#$CK*NG times!!


One of several reasons I keep this blog anonymous is because of what I do for a living and because of the kids I work with. I truly care about about these boys and feel terrible about what they have to deal on a day to day basis in just trying to keep it together. However, they troll the internet looking for info on us staff either for humor or for their lawsuit of the week.
I may feel like I want to cry during the day but after their gone and I think about what they say and do...I laugh until I cry. They are certainly entertaining!

1st police visit came on Monday when the teacher , me, the boy ( who wrote the homicidal journal entry), his mom, our superintendent, and the police representative met.

The 2nd time they came is because one kid beat the hell out of another kid in the classroom and also punched a couple of staff members in the process who were trying to break it up. No, not me I made the phone call for back up. I should note that since starting work there this school year I have been punched twice, just not this time. Yay for me! Oh yeah and they started fighting because of who was going to be the banker in Monopoly..isn't that precious?

The 3rd time the police had to come is because one of the boys ( who is new to us and has only been there a month) made verbal threats to us and also toward two of the students. ( Things like "I am going to choke you till your head pops off your neck" (to another student) Then when the teacher and I confronted him - he tried to intimidate us with his size and **staring us down** his trademark move.

Side note- this kid is 6 foot 4 inches and WELL over two bills. He considers himself "EMO" very dark. Wears crazy eyeliner, paints around his eyes red. He came to us after he was in the psych ward. Which isn't a big deal because all our kids go there at one time or another. However, this kid went there after he beat his mom with a baseball bat till she was unconscious. Why is he not in Juvie you ask? Great question!!! He was supposed to be. Oh...did I mention that two months before that he held a knife to the throat of his mom while the police surrounded his house.....

Anyways, after he threatened us and did his staring thing he left the building....with our headphones! For some reason the teacher and I thought we really needed to have those headphones back. HEY! they were school property and he LEFT the building!!!!! We did ask for him to hand them over several times.

Long story short ..we followed him..had the police called...and he was picked up.

Supposedly, they are trying once again to lock him up, but since we didn't hear anything. My guess is he will be back on Monday. AAHHHH.......

4th reason the police had to come. One of our other kids did not like the fact that he was going to be in In School Suspension that day and went a little bonkers and refused to take his meds. We called for back up ( some men teachers) and we had to move the kid to the boom boom room. (The padded room). Whereas...the kid tried to take the door off the hinges by ramming his body into it several times. Lots of threats...some against us , some against himself. Soo...a mobile crisis team came to assess which resulted in the police taking said student and transporting him to the hospital. Phew..... There were several other things he did but those were the highlights.

Today, we completely spoiled the boys that are on the upper levels ( our behaviors system). We took them outside to the football field to play around and then ordered pizza for them and let them play X-box in the afternoon. For the first time when said "thank you" several times and smiled ....I knew it was genuine and My heart melted! !!

Confession for this Friday: I took complete and udder joy in parading the pizzas by the kids that are currently serving ISS. I sooo did not have to take the route that went by them. Funniest part...is one of the boys that is in ISS yelling " IS THAT PIZZA???? IS THAT FIVE DOLLAR HOT AND READY PIZZA? WHO IS EATING PIZZA????" and starts to whimper and kick walls while swearing to himself and me with my back to him smiling ear to ear and not answering one of those questions....can you say passive-aggressive??

So I'm ECSTATIC its the weekend!!!

Sorry for this entry being kinda dry with not a lot of wit...but I am tooo exhausted to try to be clever. So as the police say..."Just the facts, ma'am'"

THE LADY JANE ( crazy ass school social worker that voluntarily accepted a job working in a classroom of kids that are severely emotionally impaired mixed with a couple of sociopaths)

Totally Awkward Tuesday

Happy "Totally Awkward Tuesday" everybody!!! Brought to you by the Great Tova Darling
(if you haven't checked her out - do it!")

I was over at Tova's place and I read her "totally awkward post" and it reminded me of an interaction that I had last year.

My brother was getting married and of course I was in the wedding. Since I am a definite shorty, it goes without saying that I needed to get the dress hemmed. I went to this new seamstress to have her do her magic. I believe she was Korean, but she had very broken English and very sweet.

So anyways, she was down on the ground placing the pins to mark the hems , when she stood up and just started staring at the dress ( on me). I wasn't for sure what she was doing so I didn't do anything and just kind of smiled awkwardly. Finally, what seemed after a lengthy silence. She said " You have no Butt!" No, I couldn't have heard her right, its her broken English so I said "I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were saying." She started pointing at my derriere and said again "no butt. no butt. Looks no good in dress". Well with all the pointing to my rear , I perfectly understood what she was saying. So I started joking and was like "yeah, it sucks, I carry it all in my chest." ha ha ** awkward**. She was serious though and she told me that you could buy "fake butts" and that I needed to do that. I had to promise her that I would buy a "fake butt" and guess what?! I did!! And here it is:

"Padded Buttness" Where your booty is their Duty

( no lie...that's their advertisement)

To be perfectly honest...it has been one of my best investments!!!!
The Lady Jane

Feeling a little green and freaked out

Had a great day besides of course the winter storm!!
In April!!
On my Spring Break!!
WHAT?!

Anyways...

I met up with friends and had a day of shopping and then out to dinner!! Sushi...Yum-O

At dinner we asked one of my friends how it was going with this new guy she just met. She started laughing...hard..and said "you will never believe this!" So, of course, we needed to know immediately.

She told us that they had been e-mailing and had been having some great conversations. Lots of flirting, some serious talk, getting to know each other and telling small secrets and then he dropped the BOMB....
he sent her a pic.....
of him.....
in pantyhose!

Yes pantyhose!!

True Story!

Apparently, he has a little bit of a fetish. He said he thought my friend and him were genuinely hitting it off and that she seemed very accepting. Well, let me tell ya, as sweet as she is; she is NOT dating a guy that would more than likely raid her pantyhose and wear them!!!

One more thing...

GO GREEN!!!!!!

The Lady Jane ( MSU ALUMNI)

Just a quickie

My boyfriend ( live in lover )..whatevs... I have been trying to come up with a name for him. So I decided on the The Duke. I'm The Lady Jane and normally in the olden times it would be the "Lord and Lady" but really, I can't bring myself to call him "My lord or The lord". I love him to bits, but lets get real. So The Duke it is.

Anyways... just a quickie on The Duke.

I was asking The Duke if he would take a pic of my "Muffin Top" for the contest. He got all crazy looking and put his hands over his ears and kept saying "Don't say that, Don't say that". So I said fine "Can you take a pic of my back fat?" I guess that wasn't good either..
Then he said " Hunny, thats like me telling you I joined a group to get rid of the wrinkles on my balls. There is just some things we don't need to take pics of."

He took the pics and he loved it!!!!

The Lady Jane

TMI- just an innocent day at the tanner....

Welcome to TMI Thursdays!!!

Created by the very own LiLu at http://livitluvit.com. Go check out her site - everbody who has a site will be listed there!! (But not right now, you have to finish what you started here!)

Here goes nothing….that is except my pride – that is out the window (and across the pond and through the woods...)

Now I need to preface this story by saying I was 16. SIXTEEN…

I’m from a small town – the kind where everybody knows everybody and there was only one salon/tanner in the town. It had 4 hairstylist and two tanning beds. One of the girls I went to high school with (older then me) was the secretary. The owner was the mom of a girl that I was on the dance squad with and one of the hairstylists was my old babysitter. You getting the idea, right?

It was prom time – so of course, I need a mean fake tan. Since there are only two tanning beds in the town – you had to make an appointment- no walk-ins.

It was time for my tanning appointment and I got there on time said my “Hello’s” and made my way back to the tanner. I think I had a date later that night...so forever running behind I decided not to use the bathroom before stripping down because, ya know, I had no time to waste!! So I get all prepped for the tanner and get in. I was laying there and jamming to the music when I felt a twinge…in my bladder.

Even though this was forever ago, this is what I am assume was going on in that pea-brain of mine.

Me thinking to myself:

Hhmmm...I can hold this...I just got in here...I have time.
A little bit later...
Seems like I have been lying here for awhile, (looked at my watch) only 5 minutes!! Damn! Ok...Ok...need to get my mind off of it. Ahhh…thinking about my date…what am I going to wear?
Mins past (so it seemed)
OK …I'll look at watch my watch - seriously time alsmost has to be up! (Look at watch). Ugh...what?! What did it do just stand still? Stupid tanner. Shit shit shit!!

At this point I couldn’t sit still, my legs were jiggling and I was starting to get really anxious and I was sweating (well that could of been from all the heat from the fake rays). OK...not many options…I could either get dressed and forfeit my time and use the ladies room or….what I ended up actually doing. Well, in my 16 year old head I thought there was no way I’m going to forfeit my time – as you remember there are only two beds in our town –they are a hot commodity – there was a waiting list for Gods Sake! So I did what I thought I had to do –

I peed in the trashcan!

Yep – I got out of the bed and squatted over the can and let loose. I can’t lie it felt great!!!!

It was after I did my business that I was like – Oh shit – what do I do now? So I took out the trash bag tied it up and then hid it between the wall and the tanner. Of course, right? Got back into the bed and relaxed and kept telling myself – that nobody will find it for awhile and they won’t link it back to me. I always wondered what they said when they came across the warm urine filled bag – that would have been a trip.
Hey the important thing is I looked great for my date that night, prom the next week, and I didn’t forfeit any of my time.

Aahhh..feels good to get that off my chest. Have a great day!!

The Lady Jane

The Tales of Dislocation

Okay - so for a couple of posts I have promised an explanation regarding a couple of matters i.e. From March 18th's post: My heart has been broken for about 3 years now. That is when I finally came to terms that I can no longer wear high heels. *sigh* Reason why...will save for another post !!!

From March 13th's post: I usually get really drunk and there will be some extremely embarrassing moments that I still can not live down. Those stories are another post. In fact maybe I will tell one of them in the next post. ( two words...hip dislocation...)

So here it is. I am about to make myself sound like such a Grandma...but honestly I'm only like 30! But here it is... I have dislocated my hip 4 times and broke it once...no lie! Recently had to have some major surgery on it...but I swear I am a rockin', uber awesome, fun lovin' gal..with a hip issue but still cute as hell ( at least that's what I am told!!). My hip, however, has provided me with some pretty good stories! So here is what I liketo call the tales of dislocation.

Dislocation #1:

The set-up:
New Job
I just got a new job on a statewide crisis line. It was the gig of gig's for a graduate social worker. All I had to do was sit in a room (or lay on the couch) with a couple of other people shooting the shit, readin gossip magazines, watch T.V. and surf the net. However, it started out with a bang (or a pop depending on how you look at it). It was my first day actually answering the phones. Two others were working with me and we just started watching a movie when the phone rang and one of the veterans says "Your up!!" So at that time I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and the phone was on the floor. I bent over to answer and "POP"..I mean a HUGE pop!! I screamed bloody murder and released several , several F bombs. It was the most mind-blowing pain I have ever had - mind you I had picked up the phone meaning there was a person "in crisis" listening on the other end as I am swearing like a sailor. Everyone freaked out..the ambulance had to be called!! It was disgusting - you could tell my hip was dislocated - I won't go into detail - just trust me. Side note - one of my co-workers who later turned out to be one my best gay guy friends started his own drama as I lay writhing in pain. He kept fanning himself and saying he was going to faint and then laid down beside me on the floor because his "knees buckled" - the ambulance people had to attend him too. He was fine - he just LOVES DRAMA.

2nd Dislocation

The set up:
Harper's Bar - 12:30am - Lansing, Michigan

Out with a huge group of friends, getting completely hammered ( as was everybody!!) and I was sitting at the table with my legs crossed...yep you guessed it ..POP! I knew immediately what happened and thanked the heavens above for all the alcohol I insulted on my body it helped to dull the excurritiating pain! It hurt like hell and I couldn't move at all for fear that I would just start screaming profanity again. Funny thing is all I did was just turn my upper body to the right and it popped out - I didn't even bend over. After dislocating it - I sat as still as I could the rest of the night with the exception of lifting my right arm to throw back shots like a champ. I didn't tell a soul at the table. I do have some pride ya know! There was no way in hell I was going to have an ambulance come in to a packed bar to get me for dislocating my hip - I would have rather died! So I sat there until closing time and then told my friends what had happened..waited for the bar to clear and the staff called the ambulance....and off to the hospital we go again. One of my friends had to leave to go to the bathroom to puke after taking one look at my dislocated hip! Whether she actually did - is questionable or maybe she was she was using it as an excuse because she drank waaaayyyy too much and had to puke anyways!! Fun times...

Dislocation 3#

Set up:
Best Friends wedding - Maid of Honor
I was practically pickled with alcohol that night and had been dancing like a mad woman in sky high heels all night while flirting with the best man ( grooms brother). All of the bridal party had hotel room's and the Best Man had the brilliant of idea of going back to the hotel room where he had more champagne to keep celebrating after the reception was over! Well - I thought he was a genius and a hottie at that so off to the hotel room we go. I won't get into details but lets just say when I woke up the next morning (wink) I for some reason did this move as though I flipped up my legs to propel my upper body up and at the same time twisting my body to get out of the bed. It was all very strange and of course I hear and feel "POP" and again a stream of profanity. Best man passed out but sat up and yelped out of shock at the my stream of profanity. Long story short...ambulance had to be called!! AAHHHH.... here is the additional comedy to the situation. One of the other bridesmaids came with me in the ambulance and she was in an extreme state of hungoverness and actually puked in the ambulance!! And while we were in the ER - the two ambulance guys came back and gave us there their phone numbers! Can you even believe - who does that?! Mind you - I had to miss brunch the next day - so my hook-up was well publicized with everyone ...including all the parents too. Oh the humiliation!

Dislocation #4
Set up:
Bridal shop: Trying on my MOH dress with the other bridesmaids and bride

We were in the dressing room together - giggling, drinking champagne ( see a theme here?) having fun and then I stepped into the dress, tripped and POP. Ugh.....ambulance came, hospital, yadda yadda.

Broken/fractured hip
Setup:
Walking my dog...squirrel...snap, crackle, POP!!!

And that there folks is why I can no longer wear high heels - except for very special occasions and for a short time. When I try ...my hip screams "NO HEELS FOR YOU" ***sigh*** can you hear my heart breaking...not my hip..my heart..geez!

The Lady Jane a.k.a the hipster

My very first post: run out of gas much?

I spent a considerable amount of time thinking what my first post should be. Do I start out with an "about me", a description of what this blog is about, or a short story. I opted to tell you of a situation that happened to me recently. Its a perfect example of me and my life.

The set-up for the story:

This happened earlier this week and I had recently had surgery and was on crutches. I was also 2 hours from where I live and was in town to get some tests done.

This test was time sensitive because they first inject dye into your system and then they wait for 4 hours and then do a scan. So here I am with 4 hours to kill and I can't go home. So what do I do..shop (of course!). So off to my beloved stores I go ( which I am for sure heard my name being called in the wind) . I had a very productive time..in which I purchased a cute pair of jeans and some jewelry. However, I have to say it is a pain in the ass to shop on crutches.

I head out to my vehicle, get in, turn it on , put it in drive...two feet and then its done. I knew then exactly what happened....ran out of gas. You might be wondering if I knew that I was low on gas and well....yeah I did. I really thought that I could go get it after I was done shopping. I should probably also tell you that in the past week and a 1/2 I have ran out of gas two other times. Yep..two...on the same day. In my defense this is a new vehicle and I have only had it a very short while and apparently when that light comes on ...you need to get your ass to a gas station pronto. This vehicle doesn't play.

So back to my dilemma. Let me recap. I am in a parking lot, which is actually pretty empty, on crutches, away from home, and have this time-sensitive radioactive dye in me and need to get to the hospital across town - like Now! Most people would might be panicking about now, but you see I am use to these situations. it is not something I am proud of but my poor decision making ends me up in a lot of bad situations. So I am sitting there trying to way out my options and am starting to see I don't have many.


Walk to gas station? Answer: No - on crutches and way too far.

Call a friend or my boyfriend? Answer: No - 2 hours away ( no good..only 1/2 hour until scan)

Maybe a friendly stranger in parking lot will drive me over? Answer: looking around pleadingly and see no friendly faces.

Triple a - you may ask. Answer : Nope

Uh, oh..now I am starting to get worried. I thought "what do people do when they are in trouble?" call the POLICE!! That's the ticket. I phoned the police - a nice lady answers. I explained the situation and she stated that she will send someone over. Phew!! I was going to be saved.
Then I waited and waited and waited. Phoned hospital - asked how long the dye is good for. They gave me an additional 1/2 hour.
and what do I see in the distance...a police car!! He pulls up , rolls down his window and stares at me, says nothing. **awkward**
I start babbling about my situation. He says nothing for the moment and then says "they said there was a women in the parking lot that couldn't walk" Ugh..talk about only giving half of the information.
At this moment - let me describe him.... well basically he looked like the blond guy from Reno 911 and he wore his dark sunglasses the whole time ( it wasn't sunny people..)

me: I really am in a bad spot and I really need to get to my appointment. I have this time-sensitive scan because they injected this dye into me and I can't walk to get gas ( look down at my crutches).

Officer Reno: I don't usually take money.
me: silently thinking, huh?
Officer Reno seeing my confusion: "You can give me money and I can go get the gas for you."
me: "I only have my debit and credit card, no cash. Sorry"
**silence**
I started babbling again.
Officer Reno: "My boss says that I can't transport anyone". Then stares at me..silence ensues....
me: "I don't know what to do then." With my puppy dog eyes
**Silence** ( this an extremely awkward conversation!!)

Officer Reno: again " I can't transport".
me: "well, do you have any other ideas?"....start to babble
Officer Reno: cuts me off "the back seats are hard, I don't think you can get into them."
me: "Don't worry - I'm desperate..I'll make it work someway."
Officer Reno: says nothing...more silence. No movement to open door.
me: " I would really appreciate it....I'm already late..I can..."
Officer Reno: "The seats are really hard."
me: doing everything in my power not to slam my head against my car.
more silence and staring which seems like forever....
Officer Reno lets me into his car. He's right the back seats are hard and plastic but I made it in.
me: thanking him profusely for taking me and helping me.
Officer Reno: "Why are you shopping if you are having surgery today?"
me: HUH??(in my head) I explain to him that I am not having surgery and that it is scan. However, he makes remarks to me having "surgery" a couple more times during our time together. We get gas, he takes me back to my car, and I make it to my appointment without a minute to spare.

That is me...always trippin' through life, but somehow, someway I land on my feet. Well, most of the time.
Hopefully - I will figure out how to customize my page...that shouldn't be too hard. ( yeah, right)

Lady Jane