Thursday, April 30, 2009

Cover has been blown!!!

Obviously you know that this blog is anonymous!
- NO pics
- I use a fake name ( Lady Jane is what my mom used to call me when I was in trouble growing up. Instead of using your first, middle , and last name as most parents do Nope...she just made up a whole new name altogether)

I have not told a single person in my real life about this blog and that is including the DUKE. Which is crazy because we tell each other everything..

the good ( "your so cute", "I got a raise", "your armpits look cool shaved")

the bad ("uhh..I lost the extra keys to the house", "yes, that was me who dented your car")

the ugly ( "you really need to go take a shower", "I have really bad diarrhea.")

You get my drift! So why may you ask I didn't tell him about the blog? I don't have a great answer for not telling him, but my reason for not telling anyone else is because I just wanted to carve out a little place in the world for little ol' me. I was selfish and really didn't want to let anyone else in, and really they know most the stories anyways. I loved the secrecy of it and if I was to be totally honest I harbored this fantasy that I would become a really big deal on the internet and get featured in a magazine or something or have like Ellen as a follower and I would be all" Oh, yeah, my blog. Yeah it is really big. I didn't tell you about it? Huh...sorry."

All those reason's are not the reason's I didn't tell the Duke.

Actually the Duke would have been fine with it and would even get some humor out of it. To tell the truth I'm not a 100% sure why I didn't tell him. I think I was meaning too...but I just didn't. I think I liked the cloak and dagger of it all!! Well...I suck at covering my tracks and have come to the sad realization that I would never be a good FBI agent, CIA, or anything else.

Because the DUKE found out and it wasn't because I told him. Damn him and his sleuthing ways...

I was out driving, doing something or another, when I get this phone call from him and the first thing he says..." Hey, its the Duke here!" Took me a minute to catch on and then it dawned on me...he found the blog!!!

Me: "Uhh...what???"

Duke: " So NOW i know why you have been spending so much time on the internet!"

Me: " Wait...what are you talking about?" ( Really I knew, but I was hoping just for a minute that he didn't actually find it and I totally misunderstood him and it was going to be like an episode of Full House or something....)

Duke: " I'm sitting here looking at stories of our life ON THE INTERNET!!" BTW..he is laughing. " I can't believe this"

and this is when he starts reading me excerpts from my posts... Ugh...and I felt really anxious because I had no control over what he was reading and I couldn't remember all that I had wrote..praying I wasn't forgetting a post where I totally slammed him ( of course I wouldn't do this...but it was a fleeting thought)

Duke " I can't believe you wrote about shoveling your own shit!!!" " this?...(pause) you wrote about the tampon story??" this time the only thing Duke became concerned with was how many posts he was in. He started flipping through the blog and counting the times mentioned and was actually very disappointed that he was only mentioned in a couple of posts....But he LOVES that his name is the Duke...he said " This makes me sound like I'm BIG from Sex and the city!" At this time I swear I heard his head getting bigger and bigger over the phone!

By the time I got home... The Duke had started his own blog and wanted to compete with mine...

Me: "Hunny, why is your blog called "The Drake Show"?

The Duke:
"Uh...because that's the name you gave me on your blog!" while giving me the look like "Duh..."

Me: "Not Drake, hunny, Duke! Duke is what I call you."

The Duke: "!! Now it doesn't make any sense"

And that my friends was the extent of the Duke's blogging career.


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday!!!!

Welcome to Totally Awkward Tuesday ( the brain child of Tova Darling!)

I'm going to make this as short and succinct as possible because I'm at work...eek!!

Alright picture this:
Prom Season
15 years old.

This year in particular I was asked to 2 proms. One at my high school and one at a neighboring high school. The boy that went to the other H.S. was not a favorite of the parents. He was dubbed "jailbird" because he was 16 and had been arrested on a couple of occasions...DUI...Vandalizing. So anyway, for some reason they OK'd me going to prom with him. I think because we were going with three other couples and we were being driven in a limo ( possibility of him driving). I'm getting off on a little bit of a tangent...
I'm bringing it back to the main reason why I am posting...

I ( or my parents did, whatevs) bought 1 dress for me to wear to MY H.S. prom and they actually expected me to wear it to the other prom!! I know?! I totally needed another dress! So I decided I would borrow a dress! ( I'm crafty like that...) I collected a shit load of dresses from my friends took them home and was going to model them for my Mom and Dad to see what they liked ( really...I just wanted to wear all the dresses and have some one ohh and ahh over me) Which my parents did all the required Ohhing and ahhing until I came out prancing in one particular dress. Why I didn't take a good look in the mirror before I came out I have no idea. I mean...I was admiring myself in all the other dresses ( I only wish I had the self-esteem like I did back then...sigh)

So I come out twirling and posing and I see this strange look on my parents faces. I thought maybe it was because it was a little bit more risque' ( ya know..more cleavage showing then the other ones). I said as much to them, but then my mom said very calmly...." Um, Lady Jane what is that?? ( at this time she is pointing to her boob, obviously she did not want to say the word boob) My Dad is getting all flustered ( he is easily flustered in these situations). So I was like "what???" and that's when I looked down and saw the VERY PURPLE HICKEY on the top of my boob!!! This is about the time I wanted to have the floor swallow me whole, but you see Lady Jane is quick thinking and said " Oh that...yeah I got pinched really hard by so and so" and just went on as nothing happened. I KNOW that they did not believe me, but we all felt better if we just pretended it was a pinch. BUT definitely AWKWARD at the very least and just so I can tell you how AWKWARD it was...this Hickey was the mother of all Hickeys and I don't think my Dad quite made eye- contact with me for a couple of days.
And while I was alone with my mom a little bit later..she whispered.."I think you need to be a little bit smarter on where you let people pinch you." Yeah, nuff said!

Just a side note parents NEVER had the "talk" with me..ya know birds and the bees. Its just something that is not comfortable in my family!! We can talk about everybody else's sex life, we talk about each other's poop, we are a very open family...but not about that! I have only witnessed my parens kissing once!! I'm still not sure my brother and I came about:)

So Happy Tuesday!!

The Lady Jane

Monday, April 27, 2009

Awards, awards, and a little tagging

I have a few Awards to hand out and a tag that I was well...tagged on. So why not put them all together for one FANTASTIC, OUT OF THIS WORLD post ( and very long.....)

First up is the "8 things tagging game" from Gina. She was very first "bloggy friend" and we have a ridiculous amount of things in common. Her blog is uber - cute!

8 Things I look forward to:

Summer vacation ( hell ya...who wouldn't? Really....)

Going to see my best friend in Florida

Visiting my other BFF in Connecticut

BFF in Connecticut having her baby

Losing the weight I put on after surgery ( give me some damn will power, will ya??)

Getting some color on white skin ( like its almost see through)

Being able to spend more time with the Duke

Highland Festival with my old school friends ( beer tent, Mmmm)

8 things I did yesterday

Found Duke passed out on bedroom floor ( see previous post)

Went to the Michigan Special Olympics to see a couple of my students

Worked on getting info my “Parents of Autism night”

Read blogs….

Talk to one of my friends on the phone while running errands

Made a cream cheese dip ( low fat) for my triscuits

Spent time with the Duke since we haven’t seen much of each other all week

Cleaned the house

8 things I wish for:

I wish I could wear high heels with out pain ( I wish this so bad!)

I wish I could pay off my credit card debt

I wish that I could “fix” the kids I work with

I wish I could be a runner

I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not think twice about it

I wish I could make the The Duke’s back feel better

I wish I could make a living in doing something creative

I wish I could be more spontaneous like I used to be

8 shows I watch


American Idol

The office

TLC’s What not to Wear

Re-runs of King of queens


Re-runs of Sex and the city

Desperate Housewives

Now on to the Awards Ceremony.... hosted by yours truly The Great Lady Jane ( now blowing you all a kiss while looking gorgeous...)

First up the " The Honest Scrap" award.....

I was deemed worthy of this great award by Jen ( The secret keeper). She has recently switched from blogspot to if you haven't switched over yet...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???? She got some good s*%& going on over there!!!


The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. First, you have to tell your readers 10 things about you they may not know. Secondly you have to tag 10 people with the award.

Oh we go...

1) I'm a Cancer

2) I have blonde hair

3) I love Pad Thai

4) I have 2 dogs..JJ and loves

5) I have mad crushes on comedians..Will Ferrell, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Rogan...*swoon*

6) Obviously being funny is a turn on

7) I collect things that mean "good luck"

8) I have two tattoos

9) Fav Drink: Redbull and Vodka

10) The Duke and I built a house....its awesome:)

Now for the 10 bloggers that I am going to pass on this Outstanding award!!

Fearless in Toronto

Sassy Britches

Gina at Namaste by Day

Just Playing Pretend ( the one and only JPP)

The Dutchess of Kickball

The High- Heel Diaries

Mandy at Just a small town girl

The Vegetable Assassin


So unto my next award that was given to me by the AWESOME Sassy Britches!!! Love her!!

* Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.

* Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Who came up with 15??? Why not 5 or something easy? Anyways here we go..and truly they are all deserving

Kellie at Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Kathleen at Enough about you...

Chardonnay at High Tide Low tide

Amber at Life as we know it

Christina at Men in England would love you

Life with Attitude

Brunhilda at Look..I'll pay you for it

Ashley at Polka Dots and Paisley

Kelly at PunkyBean

Cool as Folk at Sweet Nothings

Kim at The Antisdel Abstract

Jess at The Pure and Simple Truth

Former Fat Chick at Forever at fat girl inside

Hotpants at Handbags and Handguns

Confessions of an Impulsive Addict

Phew.....that was by far the hardest post!! Ya know with all that copying and pasting!!! I just want to thank all of the above bloggers for the comments and the fact that they even give a shit about this blogger and take the time to comment!!

If you comment and you don't see your me I got ya on my next award tribute! I am getting more awards right????


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Oh Duke......

I woke up at 4 am this morning to find the Duke curled up on our bedroom FLOOR covered with Lexy's dog bed!! Seriously in our bedroom lie...there is approximately 8 blankets which were an arms length away from him. Nope..he used Lexy's DOG BED!! I have to tell you, that Lexy stinks bad!! She is allergic to her own skin ( I know, poor baby)...this is not a dog bed to be curled up under.

So, of course, I kindly in my most of gentle of voices say to him " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE??? IS THAT A DOG BED?? OMG! GET THE HELL IN BED" then i storm down stairs to let the dogs out. Came up - he is still in the same position. So, whatevs, I go back to sleep. When I wake up a couple of hours later, the DUKE is now in bed with the DOG BED still on him!!!

The Duke drank a little too much of his homemade wine ( post for another day) in our garage chain-smoking with his friend.... Did I mention we live across the street from a bar? No? Well we do...handy but dangerous:)

See ya chicks later:) I need to go wash some sheets!


Friday, April 24, 2009

Confession Friday...vol.3

I am getting this post in right under the is 11:03 right now, but I am committed to doing this confession thing every Friday because it is good for my soul and stuff like that...

So here is my confession:

I hate answering the phone!

I'll even go days without checking messages, I leave it places, and its broke a lot.

I tell everyone about my busted a%# phone and how the # sign doesn't work ( which makes it difficult navigating those annoying automated services) and my space bar doesn't work ( which makes my texts look all jacked up) and many times my caller ID will not work or it just plain does not record a call. Your probably asking "Why the hell don't you get another phone?" 2 reasons...1) I'm lazy 2) I'm broke...simple as that.

So where am I going with all of ask!!

I'm a liar! Well..not in all areas in my life..just one...MY PHONE.

I lie and tell people I didn't get their call
I lie and say my voicemail isn't working when it is
I lie and say "Huh?! I don't understand. I can get text, but it doesn't seem like people are getting mine."

I lie, I lie, I lie

Now it is true that my phone is nuthin' but problems but then I tend to use those problems to my advantage. So when my phone is actually working correctly, I lie and say that its not.

Please know that I love my family and friends!! Its just that they always call when I don't want to talk, so I say to myself "Oh, I will call them back" and then totally forget all about it, so when they ask me if I got their message ....I lie, fib, get it

There is a window of opportunity for getting me on the phone and that is either on my way to work or on my way home. Talking on the phone passes the time while I drive...but outside of that window..forget about it. I talk to people all day long and the last thing I want to do when I get home is talk some more. The Duke knows and appreciates this but HATES when I don't answer the phone. You see after several days of my friends not getting a return phone call , they call the Duke to see if I am OK or dead or something to the like. Which how great of friends do I have??? Which is why I feel awful and really do have to start picking up the phone.

Anyways, not answering the phone got me into a huge mess this week.

I got a call from a collections agency..eek!!

They stated my dentist office is making a claim that I owe them 1,600 dollars. I knew this but it is my insurance company that is paying it. Well, obviously they hadn't!! So freaking out and not having and extra 1,600 dollars ( ya know because I am a good saver like that) I called the insurance company which told me that they will send out the check in 30 days, however, the bill collector stated that it might go on my credit report before the 30 days is up. So Super MOM to the rescue. I tell her my sob story about the evil insurance company and the wicked dentist office that never even called me!!! My mom assured me that she would pay it and that I can give her the money as soon as The Evil Insurance company sends me the check.

So she calls the Dentist office to pay. At this point I have to tell you that this is my hometown dentist in a small town where every body knows everybody ( I now live 2 1/2 hrs away)
The receptionist tells my mom that they would have NEVER have turned me into the Collections agency but I never called them back. They also proceeded to tell my lovely mother that they even had the phone company check my number to make sure it was mine and that she even made sure she had witnesses when she left a message ( because she wanted them to see her dial and hear her to make sure she was doing it right...whatever) Apparently they left a TON of messages.

As you can imagine I got a very angry phone call from my mom and she really called me to the carpet about my very rude and hurtful phone etiquette and that she KNOWS that I don't answer the phone, check messages...and on and on. Really the phone call went on soooo long that I don't have the strength to even recite a tenth of it.

In my defense....I truly do not believe that they called and left messages that many times. I KNOW I suck about the phone, but c'mon I think I would have received a couple of them and I am not stupid enough to ignore those messages!! But since I have a rep and I have lied so much...Karma came and bit me in the ass hard, like with teeth marks!!

So I now solemnly swear to answer my phone and at least check my messages every day AND return phone calls immediately.

Really I'm not lying!!

I think the phone is ringing...ahhhhhhhhh

THE LADY JANE ( reformed liar)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

TMI THURSDAY: A girls gotta doo doo, what a girls gotta do

Three cheers for TMI Thursday and LiLu at LivitLuvit!!!!

I love to drink up for a special occasion or even a not so special occasion, or even no occasion at all really…wait, where was I going with this?..Oh yeah…this story starts off with me drinking way tooo much!!

5 years ago I flew out to Arizona to visit my little bro who at the time was living with three other guys and two of them were from my hometown. Our town is very small, the kind where everybody knows everybody and I just so happen to be a big fish in a little pond there (really it wasn’t hard…) anyways I had quite the rep to keep (ya know being incredibly cool and highly unattainable to these younger boys). So we, of course, rocked it out the first night!! Drink after drink, shot after shot and the required late night after bar food loaded with fat and grease smothered in something or another. Ya know how it is!!!

So here it is the next morning and I wake up in my brother’s tiny apartment with three other guys and a very rumbly stomach. I went to the bathroom hoping that I would be up before everyone else, but no such luck! There was only one bathroom and it was occupied. I was DYING!! I was making all sorts of gurgles and started to get an attack of serious cramps – the kind where you are doubled over in pain. Did I mention it was that time of the month too?? No? Well it was..not good..not good at all. I knew this was going to bad!! There was no way I could wait for this guy to get out of the bathroom and to make matters worse the others were up and sitting in the living room which by the way was RIGHT NEXT to the bathroom!! I knew I couldn't do my business in there because we could all hear the other guy doing his dirty business and they were all yelling stuff to him about the fact that they could hear him doing his own nasty in there. I started to panic!!! I didn’t know what to do so I just walked out the apartment door with the hopes I would come across another bathroom. Where I thought I was going to come across idea!

I just kept walking and walking of course bent over, making these awful noises and swearing a blue streak mixed with a little praying!
I went to the pool..nope no bathrooms…
went to the central office..closed because it was Sunday.
I couldn’t go any was a NOW moment or there was going to be a mess in my pants and how the hell was I going to explain that?! So I saw a maintenance shed and made a beeline for it and did my quickest squat ever!!! With not a minute to spare! BTW, I was sooo right there was no way I could have done this in the bathroom…it was that bad!

That’s when I looked up and saw the maintenance guy coming to work!!!! No lie! We just stared at each other. Neither one of us knew what to say, but since I can’t stand awkward silences like that I just started babbling and babbling. He stood there grimed face ..walked over to the shed muttering something about “damn kids” and just bluntly told me I needed to clean up my mess.

What?! How the hell was I going to do that?! He obviously expected me to do it right then.
So not knowing what to do I picked up some leaves and tried to scoop up my own poop!!!
As you can imagine this did not work, all I managed to do was to get it on my hands. Puke! Of course this whole time I am babbling and laughing ( very awkwardly) to this guy about how I even ended up taking a #2 by his shed, but I got NUTHIN” from him not a laugh, a snort, or even a slight twitch of the lips of a smile. He was stone cold!! It was extremely embarrassing but c’mon it was funny even if just a little. Right? So I quit laughing and quit talking ( very , very hard to do) and tried to get serious with making the leaves into the ultimate pooper scooper.
Well by then he must of taken pity on me because he handed me a shovel, YES a SHOVEL and a trash bag!! To clean up my own shit!!
I was mortified!! I cleaned it up ,threw it in the dumpster and hightailed it to the apartment!!!!

I’m still glad that I didn’t defile my brother’s bathroom and was able to keep my rep intact, even if it means that I had to shovel my own shit!!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

EMO has left the building!!!!!!!!

Just a quick update on "EMO".

EMO did not come to school yesterday ..apparently he refused. We sent a truant officer to his house. HEY...its not like he didn't know that was going to happen! He did, however, come today and once again he was not a happy camper. Long story short...

EMO tried hitting another student... I yelled at him to stop...he yelled profanity back...I got my calm back and told him pretty much if he was in our classroom he needed to follow our rules ( god, I sound like my mom..but I'm much cooler..really I am!") .. more profanity from EMO... told him he needed to go to the ISS room in no uncertain terms. He said he wanted me "to rot in hell" coupled with the middle finger. I told him not to worry I was probably going there anyways. He said that he could do whatever he wanted and there was nothing we could do. I asked him if he really wanted to try...then went to my desk and made like I was reaching for the phone He went to the ISS room but then destroyed a few things..ya know to save face in front of the other students.

Yelled some death threats... of course... blah..blah..

Police Liaison came and probation lovely little EMO now has a date with the judge at 11am tomorrow morning. Hey , don't mess with the Lady Jane.

Just so you know its not just about threatening me.. i have to protect my other crazy mo-fo boys!!!! He threatened them too. They may drive me crazy but I am mighty protective of them.

Come back tomorrow for my TMI Thursday post!!!!!

Hint: It does have to do with one of the 4 P's.


Monday, April 20, 2009

I'm alive!!!

Like the title states...I am still here to write another post!!

The infamous 'Emo" kid showed up today. Apparently stealing 10.00 headphones is not going to put you in the pokey. I mean if the knife and baseball bat incidents didn't do it- I wasn't too confident in the headphones being the situation to put him away. ( However, there were many a promises from others that it would).

He was here today and he was NOT in a good mood. He actually left in the middle of the day after he told us to "F%^& off and he was getting the hell out of here". Well - I should have known. I mean we WERE making a lot of demands on him and the other kids. We actually asked them to watch a movie *gasp* I KNOW!! - complete child abuse, right?
I just have to say that we NEVER watch movies and in fact this was our first all year. Apparently, he had already watched it before and he doesn't "do" movies ( although I know he does!). I went out had my talk with him..had another stare down and then we locked him out of the classroom. HEY, don't judge! If he didn't want to be in the classroom - then he was NOT going to be in the classroom.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when we reminded him that he could not sit with the kids on level 4 and 5 at lunch. He promptly replied back "F%^& that ( he loves that word - well me too, but whatevs) and stayed in his seat. The other boys looked at me expectantly - and I said "Boys take your game and go into the classroom" in my I mean business tone of voice. So they all got up and then EMO said "Fine, I'll move". So he got up and walked away from the table turned around to me and said " F*@& this ( see, I told ya - he really likes it) I'm getting the hell outta here. I'm calling my mom!"
So I said " Just remember to hit 9 - to get an outside line!" Hee
He goes in the room goes to the phone - stands there a minute - turns around and comes back and says" I don't know my phone number". Priceless.....

Don't worry I got his number, he talked to his mom, he got picked up and then I called his truancy officer and his P.O. We will see if he shows tomorrow:)

LOVE IT!!!!!


Friday, April 17, 2009

Confession Friday and the Po Po!!!

What am I doing you ask?

Oh, just completing a statement form for the Police.

Why am I doing that you ask?

Because the kids I work with are mofo crazy!!

Is it because of the kid you mentioned last week that made journal entry about slaughtering you all like cows?

No. The statements are about two different situations regarding two different kids

Is this the first time you had to make a statement?

Actually this is my second one this week.

What happened you ask?

Which time? Out of 5 school days, the police had to come for 4 of them.
And yes, you read it correctly 4 F#$CK*NG times!!

One of several reasons I keep this blog anonymous is because of what I do for a living and because of the kids I work with. I truly care about about these boys and feel terrible about what they have to deal on a day to day basis in just trying to keep it together. However, they troll the internet looking for info on us staff either for humor or for their lawsuit of the week.
I may feel like I want to cry during the day but after their gone and I think about what they say and do...I laugh until I cry. They are certainly entertaining!

1st police visit came on Monday when the teacher , me, the boy ( who wrote the homicidal journal entry), his mom, our superintendent, and the police representative met.

The 2nd time they came is because one kid beat the hell out of another kid in the classroom and also punched a couple of staff members in the process who were trying to break it up. No, not me I made the phone call for back up. I should note that since starting work there this school year I have been punched twice, just not this time. Yay for me! Oh yeah and they started fighting because of who was going to be the banker in Monopoly..isn't that precious?

The 3rd time the police had to come is because one of the boys ( who is new to us and has only been there a month) made verbal threats to us and also toward two of the students. ( Things like "I am going to choke you till your head pops off your neck" (to another student) Then when the teacher and I confronted him - he tried to intimidate us with his size and **staring us down** his trademark move.

Side note- this kid is 6 foot 4 inches and WELL over two bills. He considers himself "EMO" very dark. Wears crazy eyeliner, paints around his eyes red. He came to us after he was in the psych ward. Which isn't a big deal because all our kids go there at one time or another. However, this kid went there after he beat his mom with a baseball bat till she was unconscious. Why is he not in Juvie you ask? Great question!!! He was supposed to be. Oh...did I mention that two months before that he held a knife to the throat of his mom while the police surrounded his house.....

Anyways, after he threatened us and did his staring thing he left the building....with our headphones! For some reason the teacher and I thought we really needed to have those headphones back. HEY! they were school property and he LEFT the building!!!!! We did ask for him to hand them over several times.

Long story short ..we followed him..had the police called...and he was picked up.

Supposedly, they are trying once again to lock him up, but since we didn't hear anything. My guess is he will be back on Monday. AAHHHH.......

4th reason the police had to come. One of our other kids did not like the fact that he was going to be in In School Suspension that day and went a little bonkers and refused to take his meds. We called for back up ( some men teachers) and we had to move the kid to the boom boom room. (The padded room). Whereas...the kid tried to take the door off the hinges by ramming his body into it several times. Lots of threats...some against us , some against himself. Soo...a mobile crisis team came to assess which resulted in the police taking said student and transporting him to the hospital. Phew..... There were several other things he did but those were the highlights.

Today, we completely spoiled the boys that are on the upper levels ( our behaviors system). We took them outside to the football field to play around and then ordered pizza for them and let them play X-box in the afternoon. For the first time when said "thank you" several times and smiled ....I knew it was genuine and My heart melted! !!

Confession for this Friday: I took complete and udder joy in parading the pizzas by the kids that are currently serving ISS. I sooo did not have to take the route that went by them. Funniest one of the boys that is in ISS yelling " IS THAT PIZZA???? IS THAT FIVE DOLLAR HOT AND READY PIZZA? WHO IS EATING PIZZA????" and starts to whimper and kick walls while swearing to himself and me with my back to him smiling ear to ear and not answering one of those questions....can you say passive-aggressive??

So I'm ECSTATIC its the weekend!!!

Sorry for this entry being kinda dry with not a lot of wit...but I am tooo exhausted to try to be clever. So as the police say..."Just the facts, ma'am'"

THE LADY JANE ( crazy ass school social worker that voluntarily accepted a job working in a classroom of kids that are severely emotionally impaired mixed with a couple of sociopaths)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday (vol.2)

Sorry I'm so late posting for Totally Awkward Tuesday!!
( which the idea is credited to the Lovely Tova Darling..) here is my totally awkward story...

I had been dating The Duke for like 2 months at this time. We were moving kind of fast in our relationship. Yeah, yeah..I know what your saying "fast" hmmhmm "I know what that means" and your totally right ...I was sooo easy and our first date actually lasted for three days and we moved in together after 5 months. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that we were moving at a good rate and we were getting to know eachother's quirks; even our bathroom habits but there is one thing a guy is never really ready for......

I was at work and I had heard my phone ring but I was busy and didn't answer it and I didn't check the message until I was on my way home from work. The message was from The Duke and he sounded really upset ( not like mad..but freaked out) I can't remember exactly what he said but it was something like " I realllly need to talk to you. You need to come to my place right after work." Huh?? So I tried calling him back and got his voicemail. So not thinking too much about it I made my way to his house and when I got there; there was a yellow "no crossing" tape across the front door ( ya know the kind that police use at a crime scene) and a note hanging from it.

I knew that The Duke owned tape like that from a past Halloween Party. So I walked up to the door and read the note. This is what it said:

" Lady Jane - call me as soon as you read this. I am at the coffee shop"

So I called again and this time The Duke answered.

The Duke: "R u home?"

Me: " Um..yeah. Why is there police tape across the door and why are you at the coffee shop?"

The Duke: "I am NOT going in the house. I don't know if I can ever go in the house again. I think I am traumatized"

Me: "What the hell happened? Is everything okay?"

The Duke:" I can't even talk about it. Go in the house and call me back"

So I don't know what to think at this I just go on in.

and that's when I saw what traumatized him and I totally understood.

Through out the living room...all over the place.

Was a week's worth of used, disgusting, bloody tampons!!!!

The dogs got in the trash and pulled them all out, some of them chewed up. And to top it all off there was a pile of puke where one of the dogs had obviously not digested said tampons. But the worst part was the smell...bloody tampons with a mix of vomit. Nice... with a touch of romance.

You can imagine..the phone call back to The Duke was at the very least AWKWARD!!!!

Happy Tuesday!!

The Lady Jane

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter + Moola = No hoo

As far back as I can remember we had an Easter tradition.... that is until this year...sniff...sniff( blotting tears )...

My parents knew how to get us excited every year for Easter and also how to bring us home every year after we moved out of the house for that matter. They are verrryy smart those parents of mine. At a very young age they started the tradition of the "Easter Hunt"!! with a twist!!! Instead of looking for those ugly dyed eggs( ya know..because I always got over zealous with the colors and mixed too many and the eggs always came out looking like mud) or a basket full of goodies we hunted for MONEY! Sweet Money! Sweet, Sweet Money

Each year my parents painstakingly labeled a bunch of sandwich bags with our different initials and then filled them with dollar bills and hid them all over the house. Sometimes there were as many as twenty sandwich bags for each of us to find. Every Easter morning my dad, in all his glory ,would get out the infamous Easter stopwatch because, of course, it was a competition!!! My brother and I competed to see who could find all their baggies first. The prize for finishing numero uno was, of course, more money!! Sometimes our totals would be a 100$ each but there were some years where we got 200$ each. Now, I know your probably thinking we were some richy rich family and just threw money around like it grew on trees...but that's what made it so special...we most definitely were NOT richy rich. We were blue collar middle class family where my parents worked hard for their money!!

My brother and I would get so excited and then proceed to beat the hell out of each other trying to get to our bags. It was like a roller-derby in our living room. I'm not gonna lie there may have been a few bruises, a fat lip, and possibly a black eye. (That's the Easter spirit!) We would try to sabotage each other too. If I came across one of my brother's bags ...I would shove it in my pocket, bras, whatevs... and run around with it until I found all of mine and then slip it into a hiding place. You never knew how much the bonus prize would be. One year it was 2 dollars and another year it could be 50 dollars!! High Stakes were at play!

Ever since this tradition first started we begged , pleaded, made my parents swear that we would ALWAYS do this every Easter. ( Gosh, don't my brother and I sound like brats?? We were good kids, though. Yeah!...I swear!) My parents always replied with "Well until your married...then were done." Well, I'm pretty sure the 'rents' didn't think that their kids would be in their thirties and still not married. Joke's on them!! BBwwaaaa..... They kept their promise though and faithfully hid those baggies every year. That is until this year!!!!

My stupid, selfish, idiot of a brother went and got himself married. I mean he had the nerve to go and fall in love with some girl that I am thrilled to be sisters with now. How dare he??!! Son of a B**&^%!! Just had to take it from me...only thinking of himself!! Doesn't he know I plan on that money every year!! Sheesh... ( and I am not kidding when I say...that one of the first thoughts I had in my head when he told me he was engaged was "Huh...I wonder if this will effect me on Easter?" Not proud..but the truth. Thats what I do here people, I tell the truth... anyways back to the story)

So now its just Easter...celebrating that Christ has risen ( is that right? I really should know this!! Uh, oh not good... note to self :: find out meaning of Easter) and spending time with the Fam. I did try the "Hey, I'm not married! I can still hunt for money"..but guessed go. Its a little sad though..and not because of the money! REALLY, I'm serious!! Its a tradition that is now over and I feel officially old. That was the last of my childhood traditions....c'mon that's sad...right?

Sad in my heart but also sad in my bank account....

Seriously though...HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

The Lady Jane

Friday, April 10, 2009

Confession Friday

I titled this post "Confession Friday" and who knows maybe I will make it an every Friday thing. I'm thinking that somebody I'm sure already does it, but I don't know who that person is.... so its all good:)

Anyways, I believe a week ago today ( or tomorrow. I'm too lazy too look) i made a post about all I was going to get done over Spring Break, well...ummmm...that didn't exactly happen. I did, however, get together with my friends and did a lot of drinking. Hey...connecting with my friends was on that list...go look!! Point being I didn't get as much done as I would have hoped. So now with three days left, I'm going to put it in overdrive.

So here is my confession....I am not a good housekeeper nor very observant.... here is the proof!

I bought groceries yesterday...finally! When I was putting them away, I noticed there was this funk coming from our refrigerator. Well, there was a lot of containers in there that needed to be cleaned out and that's when I uncovered this:

This was a nice crisp healthy salad like 3 maybe 4 weeks ago!! When I pulled off the cover I was gagging so hard..I did have to choke back vomit. The stench was.....words can't describe!! Everything was congealed and moldy..ugh..oops..throwing up a little bit right now..just thinking about it....

Just one more pic...its an important one. See the black slime when I tipped it?! See it? Ugh...

So there was no way I was going to put that down in our garbage disposal... I don't think putting all the lemons in the world down with it could cover this smell.

So I tied a shirt around my face ( robber style) went out to my yard...poured sludgy contents into a bag and put it out in the trash can. I thought that would take care of it...oh no... the smell has permeated our yard (where some contents did not quite make it in the bag) and now the garage because I tied it up in a bag and put it in the trash can.

I can't believe this little ol' salad has made this much of a stink! A neighbor actually commented that our street was starting to smell like sewage and asked me if I could smell it!! There was no way that I was telling him it was because of me!

Oh and I wish I could say that was all I found in the fridge that falls in the "that's so disgusting I could puke" category, but it is the one that won't seem to go away!! I won't even park my car in the garage. I'm afraid its going to be like that Seinfeld Episode..where they couldn't get the BO smell out of the car. You know what I'm talking about!!

So there just goes to show ya that it doesn't always pay off to eat healthy!!

Oh and BTW The Duke informed me that the bowl that the salad was in was actually a "salad spinner/dryer thingy" and not a "salad storage thingy"...whoops:)

The Lady Jane

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Love me some Margaritas in the daytime!!!

It may be only 50 degrees but the sun is shining and in Michigan that is a cause of celebration!! Bring on the margaritas!!! While some people from other states may wear a winter jacket in this weather not us Michiganders.. we break out our shorts and flip flops. We get excited at the thought of warm weather, especially when just a couple of days ago schools
( that weren't on Spring Break) had a snow day..yeah in April..crazy right?!

So I met up with a couple of girlfriends and put back some Margaritas and snacked on chips and salsa!!! I think I am still buzzed right now...ahhhh...

BTW....I found my W-2's now if I could only find that damn credit card!!

i love Spring Break!!!
The Lady Jane

Bunch of randoms I am just piecing together a bunch of random stuff about this week.

First I have two questions to post to you all.

1) I need some new music to listen too. I need tunes that make you want to sing out loud and make ya want to shake your booty. Where the music takes ya over....any ideas?

2) OK, so I had tried sitemeter and stat counter and while both are fine..they don't really tell me what I want to know. Here's my can I find out how many people or who have subscribed to me but didn't actually sign up to be a "follower"? Does that make sense? I'm just crazy like that...I REALLY want to know....its a little bit of a sickness...

This Week's updates:

- Finally got my hair and nails done!! Thank goodness! One complaint...while I love my hairstylist there is one thing that really bugs me and that is when its time to pay he will come up to the front and casually say " Oh yeah, I put a toner, all over highlights, yadda, yadda. So the price is actually going to be **&&" . What??!! "You could at least ask me if I wanted those things..or inform what you were doing would cost me more money" "What if I didn't have the money? What then? " Those are things that I want to say but , at last, I know myself and never would. Of course if he would have asked me before I probably would have said yes to them anyways.....but whatevs, not the point.

- I'm freaking out because I have lost two VERY important items! #1 being my w-2's from work. Yep, can't find them! #2 the credit card that my work gave me to use ( with my name on it) here is the sad part...I lost it the same day they gave it to me!! So yes, freaking out....

- My best friend is in town for the week!!!! She moved to Florida last year and I missss her sooo much! So we were out for dinner and drinks last night, which of course, led to smoking! I know , I know. I knew I would be drinking and I usually like to have a smoke while partaking in said drinking BUT I did not bring any with me! So that is something to be proud of..I was making an effort. Right? So when the craving became to bad, we resorted to our old ways and bummed cigs off an unsuspecting male with a little flirting. Desperate times, call for desperate measures.

- I mentioned before that most of time at work is in a program for SEVERELY emotionally impaired high school boys. Let me tell ya, I could tell ya story after story. Several are truly I feel sociopaths. However, the following boy I am going to talk about is not one of them. He is actually on Level 5( which is the highest level you can get on for good behavior). Anyways...I was contacted over Spring Break by the teacher I work with because this boy wrote a journal entry about basically killing everyone in the classroom including us. Something to the effect of "slaughtering us like cows and watching our insides fall out of our bodies". The police had to be involved ( we have a liaison that works with the boys) and a bunch of other things. Can't wait for Monday!!

- going out with girlfriends again tonight. Yes, they are smokers....ahhhhh...

Wanted to post but didn't have the time to give it a lot of thought. I have to look for that W-2 form..I have an appointment to get my taxes done at 2:30 TODAY!!!!!

Wish me luck!!!!

The Lady Jane

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Totally Awkward Tuesday

Happy "Totally Awkward Tuesday" everybody!!! Brought to you by the Great Tova Darling
(if you haven't checked her out - do it!")

I was over at Tova's place and I read her "totally awkward post" and it reminded me of an interaction that I had last year.

My brother was getting married and of course I was in the wedding. Since I am a definite shorty, it goes without saying that I needed to get the dress hemmed. I went to this new seamstress to have her do her magic. I believe she was Korean, but she had very broken English and very sweet.

So anyways, she was down on the ground placing the pins to mark the hems , when she stood up and just started staring at the dress ( on me). I wasn't for sure what she was doing so I didn't do anything and just kind of smiled awkwardly. Finally, what seemed after a lengthy silence. She said " You have no Butt!" No, I couldn't have heard her right, its her broken English so I said "I'm sorry I didn't understand what you were saying." She started pointing at my derriere and said again "no butt. no butt. Looks no good in dress". Well with all the pointing to my rear , I perfectly understood what she was saying. So I started joking and was like "yeah, it sucks, I carry it all in my chest." ha ha ** awkward**. She was serious though and she told me that you could buy "fake butts" and that I needed to do that. I had to promise her that I would buy a "fake butt" and guess what?! I did!! And here it is:

"Padded Buttness" Where your booty is their Duty
( no lie...that's their advertisement)

To be perfectly has been one of my best investments!!!!
The Lady Jane

Monday, April 6, 2009

Feeling a little green and freaked out

Had a great day besides of course the winter storm!!
In April!!
On my Spring Break!!


I met up with friends and had a day of shopping and then out to dinner!! Sushi...Yum-O

At dinner we asked one of my friends how it was going with this new guy she just met. She started laughing...hard..and said "you will never believe this!" So, of course, we needed to know immediately.

She told us that they had been e-mailing and had been having some great conversations. Lots of flirting, some serious talk, getting to know each other and telling small secrets and then he dropped the BOMB....
he sent her a pic.....
of him.....
in pantyhose!

Yes pantyhose!!

True Story!

Apparently, he has a little bit of a fetish. He said he thought my friend and him were genuinely hitting it off and that she seemed very accepting. Well, let me tell ya, as sweet as she is; she is NOT dating a guy that would more than likely raid her pantyhose and wear them!!!

One more thing...

GO GREEN!!!!!!

The Lady Jane ( MSU ALUMNI)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Just a quickie

My boyfriend ( live in lover )..whatevs... I have been trying to come up with a name for him. So I decided on the The Duke. I'm The Lady Jane and normally in the olden times it would be the "Lord and Lady" but really, I can't bring myself to call him "My lord or The lord". I love him to bits, but lets get real. So The Duke it is.

Anyways... just a quickie on The Duke.

I was asking The Duke if he would take a pic of my "Muffin Top" for the contest. He got all crazy looking and put his hands over his ears and kept saying "Don't say that, Don't say that". So I said fine "Can you take a pic of my back fat?" I guess that wasn't good either..
Then he said " Hunny, thats like me telling you I joined a group to get rid of the wrinkles on my balls. There is just some things we don't need to take pics of."

He took the pics and he loved it!!!!

The Lady Jane

Saturday, April 4, 2009

SO... not off to a great start big plans for today right? (well big plans for me) ( See post below)

dishes in the sink ....done

started getting grocery list around....almost done

Clean up dog shit all over the place...... hey wait that wasn't on the list!!!

Poor JJ ( he is our min pin ) got locked in the bedroom on accident this morning and apparently I i did not hear him barking because I had music blasting. Ya know, you need lots of music to dance to while cleaning the Kitchen.

Anyways you wouldn't think a little guy could make such a mess but you don't know JJ. When JJ does his business he whirls around in a circle. We call it the "whirlypoops". He also seemed to have diarrhea. So it was a circular splatter across the room. I really wanted one of these crime scene kits from CSI..for blood splatter. I STILL don't know if it I got it all...its crazy!

I had to log our Ginormous steam cleaner from the basement to the upstairs ( two flights if you are counting..) and then steam our entire bedroom. Our bedroom is huge!!! Its something I usually love but not at this moment.

Exercise...done ( hey, that steam cleaner was a huge arm workout! I'm counting it!)

Oh yeah...JJ made sure there was a big pile on my side of the bed.

The Lady Jane

Its official....

Alright today starts my first day of .....

1) losing my fattiness that is taking me over

2) quit smoking...AGAIN

3) getting organized at home

4) catching up with friends..that I have been neglecting due to "hell" month at work


Great time for me to focus on me!! My hair has not been done in months ( did you hear that ..I said months!!)
Don't even get me started on my nails...ewww..half-painted..chewed up crap.

I'm going to take advantage of this week to the fullest! It doesn't matter that I have woken up with a sore throat and a cough. Nope...nothing is going to stop me:)

So for today's activities will include:

- making grocery list for my new diet and going grocery shopping

- doing the dishes ( our sink broke a couple of days ago.. icky water went ate icky water..threw up said icky water...) the sink is being fixed as we speak.

- exercise...first time in FOREVER

- Call my friends:)

And I am going to be posting a lot!!!

Love to all of you:))

The Lady Jane

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I call SABOTAGE!!!!


It has been "hell" week at work...well actually it has been "hell" month..but really bad this week. Of course it probably wouldn't have had to be as bad as it was if I wasn't such an incredible procrastinator. I feel like I have made it into an art form. You know the old saying
" Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today"..or some crazy shit like that. Well let me tell ya those are not words I live by. I wish it was but at this late stage in my life...those things likely aren't going to change...but I am gonna try anyways:)

Which brings me to my real reason for posting. I have a confession..yes another one. I am a sabotager...of myself. I am driving myself crazy! I know exactly what my problem is, yet I do nothing about it. Oh wait..yes I do. I make it WORSE!

Want to lose weight. I make a detailed plan of action including a grocery list for my oh so yummy low calorie recipes and then I order the two large pizza for one deal...within the hour.

Make a list of things I need to do for work and give each task a due date ( like tomorrow) and then I read blogs for two hours and surf the net.

I make a pledge to re-quit smoking ( I started up again) and have great convo with boyfriend about my "really never wanting to smoke..bad for health, blah, blah" Sneak out of the house under the statement " I need to get something for my lunch the next day" and go buy a pack! Again within the hour!

Ahhhh.... I am telling you this list could go on and on and on... no lie.

Where is my will power...dammit! I mean its one thing to try and then fall off the wagon but I don't even get on the wagon! I need help! Serious help. and I call myself a counselor! HA HA HA

So I have joined Operation Muffin(topple) with Catherinette at the Catherinette Chronicles. I need to get rid of this extra baggage that I put on post-surgery. I need some accountability! I will be giving you updates...

BTW..I snuck out and smoked a ciggie during this post! AAhhhhh....
Will Somebody please kick my ass! Please! Real hard!!!

The Lady Jane