Drinking and walking do not mix

WARNING***WARNING*****WARNING******WARNING******WARNING******WARNING

If you do not like the sight of blood do not go any further....there are pictures attached that may make you vomit...just sayin'

If you do decide to keep reading and do vomit...don't say I didn't warn you.

Ok...

Long story short...I got completely bombed on Saturday night at my friends party.

Yep...completely bombed

( which by he way it was a GREAT party! Food, drinks, and a DJ...what more could ya want?)

Anyways I was very drunk and it was 3 in the morning when the Duke and I decided to go home ( well to my parents house - we were about 3 hours from our actual house)

and as we were walking out the garage door I was simultaneously turning around to say some witty comment upon my exit when I hit the cement step and fell. I landed with a thud, sat stunned...and then started laughing uncontrollably!! I couldn't stop.

I do this whenever I fall or I see someone else fall. To me it is the most hilarious thing ever and No it does not matter if they are really hurt or not. Awful, I know.

I guess nobody really saw me fall except the Duke. He made sure I was OK and then we both laughed all the way to the car..which was actually quite a ways. When we got in, I bent down to see my leg because I was pretty sure I had a nasty bruise. However, when I touched it..it was wet and gooey!

I turned to the Duke and held up my hand and said "Is this blood?"

Duke freaked out because when he turned on the light in the car..there was lots of blood..lots.

He pulled the car up to the house and ran to get some bandages, towels, whatever...

Everyone then came running out the house and they totally freaked on me!

Saying things like

"OMG..its like a piece of meat is hanging off!"

"we need bandages..STAT"

"i'm gonna faint"

and

As for me I was still laughing.... I felt like it was all I could do.

They did bandage me up..see pic below..and off to the hospital I went.

**amazing, the things you can do with Duct tape**

Yes..my foot is swollen...I do not have cankles.

The Duke did make a pit stop at my parent's house to pick them up so they could actually drive us there..because the Duke had a lot to drink too and they are luck was going we didn't want to chance it.

Its always nice to surprise your parents with a trip to the ER at 3:30 in the morning!

I wish I could say that was first time...but that's for another post.

Are you ready for the pics??? Remember I did warn you!

I am going to rock the mini skirt this summer..fo sho

For some reason ( read..pain meds) I was making the Duke and my mom give two thumbs up. I made them do this pose like 5 times. Why...who knows?

At 6:30 am I was finally let go and all they did was put a bandage on. I guess they couldn't "salvage" my skin..so they referred me to a wound clinic. Seriously??

I went to the "wound clinic" today. Apparently they have to leave the wound open and let the skin die off. DIE OFF??!!

I have a huge ass dressing that I have to change twice a day, a ruined pair of jeans, blood soaked shoes..that I am pretty sure a ruined too , blood in my new Escape, and I can't swim all summer.

Oh yeah...I am totally bruised up to my thigh and I have a Hematoma on the other leg too.

Yay for my first day of summer break!!

Moral of the story: Don't try to be funny, just look where you are walking.

THE LADY JANE

Not Me Monday - Highland Festival edition

I am a total virgin at this "Not Me Monday".....but I loved it sooo much when Gina did it that I wanted to get on the bandwagon too...and what a bandwagon...last time at looked there was 500 people on Mr. Linky's that do it!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I am NOT sneaking to do this post before the Duke wakes up, because he and my parents did NOT have an intervention of sorts with me about the time I spend on the computer being in direct correalation with my weight gain ( that I have NOT been crying and complaining about for weeks now). I would NEVER complain about something and never do anything about it and drive everybody crazy with it. NOT ME.

I did NOT forget to change the oil in my new car. I certainly am not over 5,ooo miles past due. I would never do that because I know what happens when you do not change your oil ( sniff, sniff, my 1989 broncoII) I never NOT learn my lesson. I did NOT get a bunch of flak from my Dad and Duke about this. I did NOT get really mad at the Duke for bringing it up, I did NOT threatned bodily harm to him or tell him he would wish he was never born, and that our ride home was going to be hell...all 2 1/2 hrs. NOT ME!!

I did NOT sneak in alcohol into the Highland Festival Beer tent. Not ME!! They were NOT these cute little things of vodka called "porta shots" that the Duke's brother brought up from Florida. That is just childish. And I did NOT find total happinness when my friend and her husband who came with us pulled out a flask they snuck into the tent too. We would NEVER do this since that one year when we and a bunch of friends were caught using fake tickets to buy drinks and our friend who was working at the Beer tent got fired and we were almost banned. Like I said I NEVER not learn my lesson.

I definately did NOT throw up in my mouth at the Scotch tasting tent!! I did NOT say loudly enough for all the serious Scotch fantatics to hear that I thought it was the most disgusting thing I ever tasted! I did NOT take pics of everybody making the "Scotch face" after trying it. I certainly am NOT going to post them all over my facebook page for everyone to see...that's just being a bad friend.

At the end of the night I did NOT find Duke making friends with a Highland Steer and I definately did NOT freak out because he had half his body in the cage . The horns ( whatever they are called) were NOT the most mammoth things I have ever seen and could have pierced right through the Duke.!

I also did NOT laugh my ass off at the Duke when he ran around the track as fast as he can to prove his athletic ability all the while carrying his ciggarette. I did NOT make fun of his running for the rest of the night...NOT ME.

THE END

side note: I have been a terribly blogger this week and a not so great commenter. I will get back on track:))

The Lady Jane

I do kiss and tell

The new season of the Bachelorette is here...really I don't give a flying f***, ( used to be addicted to the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows, but that stopped a long time ago) now I am on to better reality shows. Oh yeah I didn't give up reality shows ..just this particular one.

Anyways where was I going with this...oh yeah..I was reading a blog post at Fleur-de-licious and she was saying that she knows someone that knows one of the guys on the bachelorette. Which reminded me of my own connection with a past contestant.

Picture this....

I was sitting on my bed doing something..I don't know work, listing what I ate that day, a plan to save the world..I can't remember. What I do remember is being excited about Season 3 of the Bachelorette starting... with Jen Scheft. So the first show is all about seeing who the guys are that are vying for her affection and their 15 minutes of fame.

They are showing clips of each guy talking about himself...

Blah, Blah, from so and so who is a pharmaceutical rep ( isn't everyone on that show..girl or guy)

Bobby Jo from some big city who is a rodeo clown ( they always have one with a weird occupation)

Michael from somewhere no one has ever heard of who is a teacher ( the token one that is full of heart, no money in the bank, but just wants to help others and is looking for love...the sap)

When I almost choked on my bedtime snack!

Wait!!! Back-up!! I know that guy...I've kissed that guy...I hid from that guy and he is no sweet ol' boy trying to do good!

Oh, no he's not!!!

Let me give ya the 411 on how I met this dude ( yep, I said dude)

It was memorial day weekend and one of my guy friends had invited me up to his family's place up north. I've known this guy for years. We went to high school together, his parents are friends with my parents, I even threw him a baby shower for the girl he knocked up that he had no romantic relationship with. In short, he is one of my best friends...but he is flipping crazy and that is why I love him. Crazies attract crazies and there is always a good time to be had by all.

So too make a long weekend of drinking and being stupid short...I am only going to tell the one part that is the whole reason I am doing the post.

There was a friend of J's ( my guy friend) there for the weekend. He was a big guy, one of those body builder types!! We started drinking as soon as we got there and the more we drank the CRAZIER he got. I know, I know your probably saying duh, that's what you do when you are drinking a lot. What I'm saying is that he got CRAZY, not drunk. He said he didn't drink " His body is his temple" or some shit like that...But he started to get the wild eyes, flexing, and making all these weird grunts. He would continually chase me around because he wanted to bench press me, lift me over his head, see how far he could throw me ( I was all of 96 lbs then) andat one point I thought he might eat me ( he was licking his lips a lot).
It was on the last night there that he cornered me and mashed his face on mine. He probably called it a kiss, I call it a mash. No pleasure at all, only pain. I was squirming and then my girlfriend saw me and saved me. Thank God, because I was pretty sure that my teeth were coming through my lips at one point.

Then it all finally made sense, when we overheard him offer a couple of the guys GHB ( the date rape drug). Bingo. Guy on date rape drug = crazy! Then I freaked that he put something in my my drink, but then my friend pointed out that when he was pulverizing my face with his lips I probably wouldn't haven't been trying to get away. I've never been slipped a rooghy ( well, i don't think so. I was hoping I had before because of some really bad-hook-ups, but I looked up the signs and nope..I wasn't drugged just too wasted with a bad case of beer goggles)..sorry getting side tracked again.

My friend and I found his duffel bag and looked through it ( hey, we were curious and it seemed like a brilliant idea to investigate this guy more) and there was a ton of pills in there, and hypodermic needles ( steroids). No wonder he didn't drink, he had a freakin pharmacy in there!

So back to the bachelorette. When he came on saying he was a teacher and looking for love, just a nice guy...blah...blah. I seriously started laughing until I almost puked. Of course I called my friend and had her check out the show to make sure I was right. I was.. he just looked different when he wasn't grunting and trying to break me in half!

He was pretty normal, maybe a little tooo sappy but way different then the guy I met the year before. I spoke with J who stated that this guy wasn't really a teacher either...he had substitute taught but that was all...

Yuck...I better get ready for work...later!

The Lady Jane

Its all fun and games until the dog gets hurt...

I'm feeling a little scatterbrained and so now my post is going to be too!!

Maybe I will put it in bullet form??? Yeah...that sounds good!

• Had Friday off of work!!! Went and treated myself to some much needed TLC including a mani and a pedi...ahhh Bliss


• The Duke got out of work a little early so we headed to the "Green Street Fair"..its art/environment friendly booths/and of course food. It was great except for the intermittent rain showers..that kinda sucked ass, but we did get tons of free stuff especially healthy dog treats ( lots of them!). We actually came home and baked some of our own...nerds huh?

• My parents came for a visit on Saturday( they live about 2 1/2 hours away) we went for an amazing breakfast at our favorite place.... and then my mom and I went shoe shopping **swoon**

(I could only get a pic of one of my purchases..camera died)

• It was national Brew Day yesterday - did ya know?? The Duke celebrated it in full force with friends. He started at noon at this store/place..whatevs...where they brew their own beer and lots of sampling. I didn't see Duke till very late and he was very drunk...at least no "dog bed incident this time"


• Sunday has been a bumming day...however...its not much of a day until I do something stupid. I went to the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner, did all the shopping went up to pay and um...no money. Whoops. I had taken a bike ride earlier and for some reson took my debit card with me ( not sure why, but whatevs) Apologized profusely...headed back home..ran into the house. up the stairs, grabbed the card, down the stairs and hit a wall of stank. Horrible stinky smell of shit. ( at this time let me tell ya that the DUKE had been bombing the house all day with these eye watering, gag inducing, farts ( brew day + Duke = one incredibly gassy guy). So up to this point I have been trying to dive these bombs .

(this may be a juvenile pic...but this is as close as I can get to describe what this day has been like)

But as I came down the stairs , he was coming out of the bathroom with a big stupid ass grin on his face! I made a mad dash for the door while plugging my nose and yelling "Get out of my way!" Duke enforced a full on press and wouldn't let me pass ( ya know, just to make sure I get a big whiff). A scuffle ensued..I was fighting for my life...Duke laughing his evil laugh and its all fun and games until the dog gets hurt. Yep...poor little JJ got caught in the scuffle and I stepped on his poor leg..**sniff** and now he is limping!!! All because of the Duke and his pride of being the Farting King!!

( Introducing JJ and Alexis ( lexi)...JJ is the little one that got caught in the farting stampede)

And now its Sunday night and tomorrow's Monday and I have to go to work... Damn IT!!

The Lady Jane

Oh Duke......

I woke up at 4 am this morning to find the Duke curled up on our bedroom FLOOR covered with Lexy's dog bed!! Seriously in our bedroom ..no lie...there is approximately 8 blankets which were an arms length away from him. Nope..he used Lexy's DOG BED!! I have to tell you, that Lexy stinks bad!! She is allergic to her own skin ( I know, poor baby)...this is not a dog bed to be curled up under.

So, of course, I kindly in my most of gentle of voices say to him " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE??? IS THAT A DOG BED?? OMG! GET THE HELL IN BED" then i storm down stairs to let the dogs out. Came up - he is still in the same position. So, whatevs, I go back to sleep. When I wake up a couple of hours later, the DUKE is now in bed with the DOG BED still on him!!!

The Duke drank a little too much of his homemade wine ( post for another day) in our garage chain-smoking with his friend.... Did I mention we live across the street from a bar? No? Well we do...handy but dangerous:)

See ya chicks later:) I need to go wash some sheets!

THE LADY JANE

Love me some Margaritas in the daytime!!!

It may be only 50 degrees but the sun is shining and in Michigan that is a cause of celebration!! Bring on the margaritas!!! While some people from other states may wear a winter jacket in this weather not us Michiganders.. we break out our shorts and flip flops. We get excited at the thought of warm weather, especially when just a couple of days ago schools
( that weren't on Spring Break) had a snow day..yeah in April..crazy right?!

So I met up with a couple of girlfriends and put back some Margaritas and snacked on chips and salsa!!! I think I am still buzzed right now...ahhhh...


BTW....I found my W-2's now if I could only find that damn credit card!!

i love Spring Break!!!
The Lady Jane

Bunch of randoms

Well...today I am just piecing together a bunch of random stuff about this week.

First I have two questions to post to you all.

1) I need some new music to listen too. I need tunes that make you want to sing out loud and make ya want to shake your booty. Where the music takes ya over....any ideas?

2) OK, so I had tried sitemeter and stat counter and while both are fine..they don't really tell me what I want to know. Here's my question...how can I find out how many people or who have subscribed to me but didn't actually sign up to be a "follower"? Does that make sense? I'm just crazy like that...I REALLY want to know....its a little bit of a sickness...

This Week's updates:

- Finally got my hair and nails done!! Thank goodness! One complaint...while I love my hairstylist there is one thing that really bugs me and that is when its time to pay he will come up to the front and casually say " Oh yeah, I put a toner, all over highlights, yadda, yadda. So the price is actually going to be **&&" . What??!! "You could at least ask me if I wanted those things..or inform what you were doing would cost me more money" "What if I didn't have the money? What then? " Those are things that I want to say but , at last, I know myself and never would. Of course if he would have asked me before I probably would have said yes to them anyways.....but whatevs, not the point.

- I'm freaking out because I have lost two VERY important items! #1 being my w-2's from work. Yep, can't find them! #2 the credit card that my work gave me to use ( with my name on it) here is the sad part...I lost it the same day they gave it to me!! So yes, freaking out....

- My best friend is in town for the week!!!! She moved to Florida last year and I missss her sooo much! So we were out for dinner and drinks last night, which of course, led to smoking! I know , I know. I knew I would be drinking and I usually like to have a smoke while partaking in said drinking BUT I did not bring any with me! So that is something to be proud of..I was making an effort. Right? So when the craving became to bad, we resorted to our old ways and bummed cigs off an unsuspecting male with a little flirting. Desperate times, call for desperate measures.

- I mentioned before that most of time at work is in a program for SEVERELY emotionally impaired high school boys. Let me tell ya, I could tell ya story after story. Several are truly I feel sociopaths. However, the following boy I am going to talk about is not one of them. He is actually on Level 5( which is the highest level you can get on for good behavior). Anyways...I was contacted over Spring Break by the teacher I work with because this boy wrote a journal entry about basically killing everyone in the classroom including us. Something to the effect of "slaughtering us like cows and watching our insides fall out of our bodies". The police had to be involved ( we have a liaison that works with the boys) and a bunch of other things. Can't wait for Monday!!

- going out with girlfriends again tonight. Yes, they are smokers....ahhhhh...

Wanted to post but didn't have the time to give it a lot of thought. I have to look for that W-2 form..I have an appointment to get my taxes done at 2:30 TODAY!!!!!

Wish me luck!!!!

The Lady Jane

The Tales of Dislocation

Okay - so for a couple of posts I have promised an explanation regarding a couple of matters i.e. From March 18th's post: My heart has been broken for about 3 years now. That is when I finally came to terms that I can no longer wear high heels. *sigh* Reason why...will save for another post !!!

From March 13th's post: I usually get really drunk and there will be some extremely embarrassing moments that I still can not live down. Those stories are another post. In fact maybe I will tell one of them in the next post. ( two words...hip dislocation...)

So here it is. I am about to make myself sound like such a Grandma...but honestly I'm only like 30! But here it is... I have dislocated my hip 4 times and broke it once...no lie! Recently had to have some major surgery on it...but I swear I am a rockin', uber awesome, fun lovin' gal..with a hip issue but still cute as hell ( at least that's what I am told!!). My hip, however, has provided me with some pretty good stories! So here is what I liketo call the tales of dislocation.

Dislocation #1:

The set-up:
New Job
I just got a new job on a statewide crisis line. It was the gig of gig's for a graduate social worker. All I had to do was sit in a room (or lay on the couch) with a couple of other people shooting the shit, readin gossip magazines, watch T.V. and surf the net. However, it started out with a bang (or a pop depending on how you look at it). It was my first day actually answering the phones. Two others were working with me and we just started watching a movie when the phone rang and one of the veterans says "Your up!!" So at that time I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and the phone was on the floor. I bent over to answer and "POP"..I mean a HUGE pop!! I screamed bloody murder and released several , several F bombs. It was the most mind-blowing pain I have ever had - mind you I had picked up the phone meaning there was a person "in crisis" listening on the other end as I am swearing like a sailor. Everyone freaked out..the ambulance had to be called!! It was disgusting - you could tell my hip was dislocated - I won't go into detail - just trust me. Side note - one of my co-workers who later turned out to be one my best gay guy friends started his own drama as I lay writhing in pain. He kept fanning himself and saying he was going to faint and then laid down beside me on the floor because his "knees buckled" - the ambulance people had to attend him too. He was fine - he just LOVES DRAMA.

2nd Dislocation

The set up:
Harper's Bar - 12:30am - Lansing, Michigan

Out with a huge group of friends, getting completely hammered ( as was everybody!!) and I was sitting at the table with my legs crossed...yep you guessed it ..POP! I knew immediately what happened and thanked the heavens above for all the alcohol I insulted on my body it helped to dull the excurritiating pain! It hurt like hell and I couldn't move at all for fear that I would just start screaming profanity again. Funny thing is all I did was just turn my upper body to the right and it popped out - I didn't even bend over. After dislocating it - I sat as still as I could the rest of the night with the exception of lifting my right arm to throw back shots like a champ. I didn't tell a soul at the table. I do have some pride ya know! There was no way in hell I was going to have an ambulance come in to a packed bar to get me for dislocating my hip - I would have rather died! So I sat there until closing time and then told my friends what had happened..waited for the bar to clear and the staff called the ambulance....and off to the hospital we go again. One of my friends had to leave to go to the bathroom to puke after taking one look at my dislocated hip! Whether she actually did - is questionable or maybe she was she was using it as an excuse because she drank waaaayyyy too much and had to puke anyways!! Fun times...

Dislocation 3#

Set up:
Best Friends wedding - Maid of Honor
I was practically pickled with alcohol that night and had been dancing like a mad woman in sky high heels all night while flirting with the best man ( grooms brother). All of the bridal party had hotel room's and the Best Man had the brilliant of idea of going back to the hotel room where he had more champagne to keep celebrating after the reception was over! Well - I thought he was a genius and a hottie at that so off to the hotel room we go. I won't get into details but lets just say when I woke up the next morning (wink) I for some reason did this move as though I flipped up my legs to propel my upper body up and at the same time twisting my body to get out of the bed. It was all very strange and of course I hear and feel "POP" and again a stream of profanity. Best man passed out but sat up and yelped out of shock at the my stream of profanity. Long story short...ambulance had to be called!! AAHHHH.... here is the additional comedy to the situation. One of the other bridesmaids came with me in the ambulance and she was in an extreme state of hungoverness and actually puked in the ambulance!! And while we were in the ER - the two ambulance guys came back and gave us there their phone numbers! Can you even believe - who does that?! Mind you - I had to miss brunch the next day - so my hook-up was well publicized with everyone ...including all the parents too. Oh the humiliation!

Dislocation #4
Set up:
Bridal shop: Trying on my MOH dress with the other bridesmaids and bride

We were in the dressing room together - giggling, drinking champagne ( see a theme here?) having fun and then I stepped into the dress, tripped and POP. Ugh.....ambulance came, hospital, yadda yadda.

Broken/fractured hip
Setup:
Walking my dog...squirrel...snap, crackle, POP!!!

And that there folks is why I can no longer wear high heels - except for very special occasions and for a short time. When I try ...my hip screams "NO HEELS FOR YOU" ***sigh*** can you hear my heart breaking...not my hip..my heart..geez!

The Lady Jane a.k.a the hipster