Seriously...this is my 4th of July?

Well....I'm in the hospital due to getting an infection in my infamous leg wound. BOO!! I have to stay here until it clears up. Which sucks because obviously its 4th of July weekend and we were going away but its also my birthday Monday. Sheesh

Karma has also made little visit to me. Her name is Jeanne.

If you remember ( well, really how could you forget!) in my last post I told you that I was a horrible person to sit next to on the plane..click here to refresh your memory.

Well...Karma came and bit me in the ass. It is so true the saying "what you put out in this world you get back tri-fold." or something like that.

I am sharing my hospital room with a woman named Jeanne who is horribly annoying! I feel bad saying that but its the truth. Within the first hour of the Duke and I being in this room...he turned and looked at me and said "I think you definitely have your next blog post!" and boy was he right. Whats funny is that the next day the Duke brought me the laptop ...just to make sure I would do the blog post while it was all fresh in my mind!

However, as I sit here I am struggling with how I can accurately describe her. I feel like it might be one of those times where you have to see it ( or hear it) to believe it, but I will do my best.

To start off... it is NEVER, EVER quiet! EVER!

Right now I am listening to her in the bathroom...I know gross...its not like I am listening to her dropping a gift to the toilet god...I'm listening to her groaning VERY loudly and muttering to herself about how good it feels. Yep...that's how it is every time she goes to the bathroom and she goes in there a lot. However, most of the time her commentary in the bathroom consists of her complaining she can't go.

So now that we all know that she is loud in the bathroom...she is also loud just lying in bed.

It is a C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T stream of groaning, sighing, burping, farting, and snoring. I mean CONSTANT...it never ends. I can't even hold a conversation with the Duke when he is here. Its way too distracting and lets face it...funny.

Picture it...

Duke sitting at my bedside telling me how much he loves me and then there is a series of the most disgusting burps coming from the other side of the curtain...there is never an "excuse me" or she never goes to the bathroom to try to excuse herself. Oh no...she sits on the edge of her bed ...closest to me...and slaps herself on her stomach literally to burp herself. Over and over.

Right now she is swearing at the Ivac machine telling it to "shut the hell up" because it is beeping. Funny thing...she used to be a nurse here about 5 yers ago, she is retired now, so why she doesn't push the hold button to stop it beeping I will never know...she doesn't respond well to suggestions.

She swears at other people's Ivac machines for going off when they are down the hall. She mimics (very rudely) people who are talking in the hallway or after doctor/nurses have just left her. Occasionally she has thrown a couple of things i.e. at the TV after she accidentally turned it on but couldn't shut it off ( turns out she was sitting on the remote). Good times...

She does NOT tie her gown in the back. It "chokes her". Which that is ever so lovely...I think it may have scarred the Duke...poor guy. She also lays on the bed with her legs open and no covers and you have to pass by her on your way to me or I have to pass by her on the way to the bathroom. I thought about getting pics...but thought that might be too much to handle. However, if I could find a way to record her that would be AWESOME! Seriously.

When she is not swearing, burping, farting, or throwing things she will lay there and just LOUDLY sigh and grunt...continuously. I seriously need a recorder!!

Uh oh...the nurse just came in and said to her that the Doc ordered her an enema...and they are going to do it right now. AHHHH......I am going to stay on here so I can give you a play by play.

Hey what other blog ...can you get a play by play of an Enema...I'm pretty sure that its just here. Could this be my claim to fame??....hmmmm...

Nurse is getting on her gloves....
they are going to do it the bathroom...
Nurse just said " I hope I don't get any on your undies..." "Its usually little messy"
Jeanne " Its leaking already, dammit"
Nurse " Go get over the toilet"
Jeanne " lots of grunts, and ahhh's"

apparently Jeanne needs a new pair of undies...Nurse going to get some.

More groaning...lots of loud groaning...

I'm ending here...you don't even want to know...

Can' t believe I just did a recap of Enema...that's where I am at people!!

Right now...she must not like the TV show I have on..BTW...its a person singing on the TODAY show. She just did her own rude rendition of the song and then said " Get me out of this insane asylum"

Awesome, just awesome!!

Seriously, who else is going to have this much fun for their 4th of July.

THE LADY JANE