Friday, July 3, 2009

Seriously...this is my 4th of July?

Well....I'm in the hospital due to getting an infection in my infamous leg wound. BOO!! I have to stay here until it clears up. Which sucks because obviously its 4th of July weekend and we were going away but its also my birthday Monday. Sheesh

Karma has also made little visit to me. Her name is Jeanne.

If you remember ( well, really how could you forget!) in my last post I told you that I was a horrible person to sit next to on the here to refresh your memory.

Well...Karma came and bit me in the ass. It is so true the saying "what you put out in this world you get back tri-fold." or something like that.

I am sharing my hospital room with a woman named Jeanne who is horribly annoying! I feel bad saying that but its the truth. Within the first hour of the Duke and I being in this room...he turned and looked at me and said "I think you definitely have your next blog post!" and boy was he right. Whats funny is that the next day the Duke brought me the laptop ...just to make sure I would do the blog post while it was all fresh in my mind!

However, as I sit here I am struggling with how I can accurately describe her. I feel like it might be one of those times where you have to see it ( or hear it) to believe it, but I will do my best.

To start off... it is NEVER, EVER quiet! EVER!

Right now I am listening to her in the bathroom...I know gross...its not like I am listening to her dropping a gift to the toilet god...I'm listening to her groaning VERY loudly and muttering to herself about how good it feels. Yep...that's how it is every time she goes to the bathroom and she goes in there a lot. However, most of the time her commentary in the bathroom consists of her complaining she can't go.

So now that we all know that she is loud in the bathroom...she is also loud just lying in bed.

It is a C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T stream of groaning, sighing, burping, farting, and snoring. I mean never ends. I can't even hold a conversation with the Duke when he is here. Its way too distracting and lets face it...funny.

Picture it...

Duke sitting at my bedside telling me how much he loves me and then there is a series of the most disgusting burps coming from the other side of the curtain...there is never an "excuse me" or she never goes to the bathroom to try to excuse herself. Oh no...she sits on the edge of her bed ...closest to me...and slaps herself on her stomach literally to burp herself. Over and over.

Right now she is swearing at the Ivac machine telling it to "shut the hell up" because it is beeping. Funny thing...she used to be a nurse here about 5 yers ago, she is retired now, so why she doesn't push the hold button to stop it beeping I will never know...she doesn't respond well to suggestions.

She swears at other people's Ivac machines for going off when they are down the hall. She mimics (very rudely) people who are talking in the hallway or after doctor/nurses have just left her. Occasionally she has thrown a couple of things i.e. at the TV after she accidentally turned it on but couldn't shut it off ( turns out she was sitting on the remote). Good times...

She does NOT tie her gown in the back. It "chokes her". Which that is ever so lovely...I think it may have scarred the Duke...poor guy. She also lays on the bed with her legs open and no covers and you have to pass by her on your way to me or I have to pass by her on the way to the bathroom. I thought about getting pics...but thought that might be too much to handle. However, if I could find a way to record her that would be AWESOME! Seriously.

When she is not swearing, burping, farting, or throwing things she will lay there and just LOUDLY sigh and grunt...continuously. I seriously need a recorder!!

Uh oh...the nurse just came in and said to her that the Doc ordered her an enema...and they are going to do it right now. AHHHH......I am going to stay on here so I can give you a play by play.

Hey what other blog ...can you get a play by play of an Enema...I'm pretty sure that its just here. Could this be my claim to fame??....hmmmm...

Nurse is getting on her gloves....
they are going to do it the bathroom...
Nurse just said " I hope I don't get any on your undies..." "Its usually little messy"
Jeanne " Its leaking already, dammit"
Nurse " Go get over the toilet"
Jeanne " lots of grunts, and ahhh's"

apparently Jeanne needs a new pair of undies...Nurse going to get some.

More groaning...lots of loud groaning...

I'm ending don't even want to know...

Can' t believe I just did a recap of Enema...that's where I am at people!!

Right now...she must not like the TV show I have on..BTW...its a person singing on the TODAY show. She just did her own rude rendition of the song and then said " Get me out of this insane asylum"

Awesome, just awesome!!

Seriously, who else is going to have this much fun for their 4th of July.



  1. Do you know what's wrong with her (Other than being the worst room mate EVAH!)? What is she actually diagnosed with? You can't just get a bed for being gross can you?

    I suggest that Duke mention to someone with authority that should another room open up you wouldn't mind being moved to it.

    I can't imagine sharing a room with a walking intestinal disorder (enemas create poo-mist you know and I know it sounds funny but I swear it's 1000% true) is going to aid in the healing of an infection.

    You poor thing!!

    Get well soon- THL

  2. Oh. My. Word. Is your life for real? How do these things always happen to you?

  3. Seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up!! Love it! I hope you heal quickly and can go home in time to enjoy your birthday!

  4. If it helps, I totally appreciate you're "taking one for the team" here because it's fucking funny.! :) I wonder what that women's home life is like? Is she like that there only WORSE? Is this her BEHAVING? You're like a reporter out in the field. You need to cover more of this phenomenon.

  5. Yikes! I certainly hope your leg heals fast. Maybe you can tell the nurse that el-grosso is having mental issues and should probably be heavily sedated. Just a thought.

  6. Oh my goodness! What a nut-ball! And this is why so many hospitals are going the way of all private rooms. Seriously!

  7. Oh. My. GOD. This is hysterical, but only because it's not happening to me. I am so sorry. Hope she gets released by the time I post this comment.

  8. good heavens!!!!! hope you feel better soon and can get out of there!!!

  9. Why on earth is she in there anyway? I would definately 1)say something to her about how annoying she is, and 2)demand another room if she doesn't settle down. Get better soon!

  10. Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I wish there was a way we could get you outta there. It sounds awful :(
    Get well, and very very soon !
    Thanks for blogging through your recovery though :P

  11. You just live-blogged an enema. You ROCK, my friend.

    I'm so sorry you're stuck there! That just sucks. I will have an extra cocktail just for you tomorrow. It's the least I can do.

  12. Okay, this is such a twisted sitcom waiting to be aired this fall! I am laughing horribly at your expense. . . remembering you spilling drinks, ripping farts, you know and now this is just the icing on the cake. . . . I am picturing an old lady who looks like that big woman from the Drew Carey show with blue eye shadow. That is who Jeanne looks like in my head.
    Ladybug, you better get discharged from that place or you are in big trouble. . . . just think of it as a sitcom waiting to make you millions. The least you could do is send it to MadTV for a skit!

  13. THL- she is actually is here because she had surgery on her pancreas..even though that is better she is having "gas" issues and she can't be discharged until she takes a "poo"..she was already supposed to be gone..sigh

    Smile Steady - I know! Trust me...people have said that my whole life!

    Gidget - Thanks! Trust me..its definately not anything I make up. If I made up stuff...I would make myself be cool!

    Vegetable Assassin - I do my best! Glad you appreciate:)

    Diane - Sedation...I like it!

    Practically Perfect - I know! The last hospital room I was in was better than a hotel room. Private too!

    Gina - Me too!

    Cherry! - Thanks!!!

    Ms. Attitude - Ha thats where you get your name! I wish I could switch rooms...they are pretty booked

    Aritza - If you come up with any ideas to break me out...I'm all for it

    Gabby - Thank you, thank you...I m now taking a bow!

    Chardonnay - Sorry! I tend to do that

    Pastor Sharon - Ha Ha...Love your comments!! Millions...TV show...I'd do it!!

  14. that is hilarious! seriously, I'm sorry you're stuck in the Hospital for the weekend, hopefully your roomie will be MOVEd and and thus discharged. May your infection magically be healed!

  15. Hahaha, I love that you included a play-by-play. I feel so bad :(. Is it possible to request a room change?

  16. So I meandered across your blog and I follow or not?
    Then Jeanne was introduced and I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.
    You created a land of farts, cursing and insanity that was irresistible.
    Bra-Vo. *=-)

  17. Jane,

    I didn't get your email for some reason, but don't worry about it, just get healed, and next time I'm on blog-hiatus, you'll be the first person I ask for a guest post! Hope today is better than yesterday!

  18. Oh my lord woman, I don't know whether to laugh or cringe or come break you out of there! What a nightmare! And I think karma is mean mean mean for getting you back like that. It's not like you MEANT to fart and spill stuff on the plane. Goodness! I really hope you're better and out of there in no time. No girl deserves to be stuck in the hospital on her birthday!

  19. Oh my god!! Thats hideous! I'm really sorry you've ended up in hospital!!

    I think I love Jeanne!!! No, really, I think I do!! What a character!!


  20. I hope you get out of the hospital soon, that is no fun! Enjoy the weekend as best as you can! Sending good thoughts your way... and I love your blog! Just discovered it!

  21. OMG no you did NOT just do a play by play...wait yes you did, that is why we love you!

    I hope you get out of there ASAP!! ASAP!!

  22. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA BEST POST EVER. God that's awesome. Well no, it's terrible and that woman sounds like she needs to be put to sleep, but seriously that was hilarious.

    I can't stand people like that. This actually reminded me about a long rant I did about a ridiculous man at a Barnes and Noble, I think you would enjoy the read.

  23. You win the award for most HYSTERICAL 4th of July EVER! Sadly, however.
    Do you feel like you're on a sit-com...only no one told you that you were in one?

  24. Are you sure they didn't accidentally put you in the psych ward, because that doesn't seem like a normal person!

  25. I just about said, "Holy crap!" and then caught myself at the pun. :) Girl, I am DYING that you can take such a shit (ooooo, another pun) situation and turn it into something positive! Sooooo bummed about the infection, of course. And HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW!!! Mwaaaah!

  26. Don't you have a video recorder on your phone? At least get the sound for us even if it means you video the floor.

  27. I'm sort of relieved that you didn't post anymore pictures of your knee.

  28. that for real? i'd be requesting er demanding my own room asap. hope you get out soon.

  29. I have a few things to say...

    a.) laughter tears on my face
    b.) I hope you found a way to record her. That's priceless.
    c.) Why do you have to stay in the hospital so long? Do you have gangreen or something horrible like that?
    d.) Happy Birthday! Maybe you could ask the lady to burp you the birthday song. Or grunt it.

  30. So I'm still laughing from the dick lick story. This lady is crazy...i can't believe she never shuts up AND i can't believe you just blogged about her enema...too funny!

    Hope you had a happy b-day!

  31. Bummer, I hope you are up and at it soon!


    I might just have to link this for TMI Thursday... PRICELESS!!!!

    Hope you're better, love!

  33. Okay, it's been awhile, I've been waiting somewhat patiently...uh, who am I kidding, I'm not patient...How are you?

    I'm a bit concerned that she may have been too much and you shoved her out the window and are now recovering somewhere with bars.

    I hope that you are healing well and update soon. I know I just found your blog, but you're too funny and I want to hear more good funny stuff.

  34. Leave it to you to turn such an awful situation into a great blog post! Hope you are recovering nicely, and that Jeanne and you have parted ways by this time.

  35. Oh my gawd- you poor thing! Hope you've had a few days to get over it all! -e

  36. Hellloooooooo.....

    Are you o.k.? I'm worrying over here like a lot! Please let us know how you are.


  37. Aw that would seriously suck.
    haha i love your posts,(and since I haven't been on blogger for nearly over a year, am reading your blogs from start to finish) but I was not expecting that as I am currently eating breakfast and now my toast doesn't seem to appealing. *sigh*
    oh well.