Confession Friday: Keys are my Nemesis!!!

Just like the title states:

Keys are my Nemesis!!

I have soooo many key related stories and NONE of them are good. Everybody who knows me...KNOWS that I should not be entrusted with any kind of key for any reason, any time!! Seriously!

So here is Lady Jane's 2,890,560 entry into the lost, misplaced. damaged, broke, etc... KEY CHRONICLES

And this is my Confession: I totally threw my co-worker under the bus, or rather I just let the bus keep running over her...

I know, I know...I feel awful!!!!!!

Here's the story....

In the program that I am based out of there is the teacher, me (social worker) and two para pros. The teacher and I have keys to the doors and filing cabinets. There is also an extra set in a drawer in the teacher's desk..in case one of the Para's need one.

Some time last week I needed to open up a filing cabinet and instead of walking to my desk in the other room ( because I am that lazy) I used the extra set in the desk and true to form..I pocketed it afterwards without thinking.

Cut to Wednesday of this week:

I come into the classroom after being away in the morning for meetings and hear this loud DRILLING....the maintenance guy is there drilling the lock of the filing cabinet. Huh? I saw the teacher and raised my eyebrows..like whats going on here? She comes over very briskly and kind of dramatic like and proceeds to tell me that the keys are missing from her desk and that she knows that one of the para's lost it even though she is saying she didn't.

At first I was just nodding my head as she spoke and not say anything as that is what I usually do when she is venting because honestly she talks louder then she should when she is talking about the paras and to say that it is awkward is an understatement!! So I am nodding and trying to hurry through the venting so I can get away..when all of a sudden I have this flash of memory of ME putting those keys in my pocket! Oh gawd....I did it again! Damn keys...I hate keys with a passion. We just do not have a good relationship..they do not like me either! They are the bane of my existence!! ( I am not being dramatic..they really are! For real!)

A struggle with my conscious ensues... should I admit that it was me that took them or let the teacher believe the para did it....

I chose the latter. Not proud..not proud at all!

I have to but a disclaimer on this***

If the maintenance guy wasn't already drilling a hole into the filing cabinet at that minute...I totally would have fessed up...really I would have! BUT since it had already progressed that far and no one even thought to ask me if I had the keys before calling the maintenance guy then well....I just let them keep thinking that it couldn't possibly have been me. Hey I can hear you judging.. but its my first year there...I have already misplaced the credit card.... ( which they still don't know yet as I am positive that it will show up ..God, do you hear me??)...I can't possibly be responsible for this too!

I know Karma is going to get me on this one... it always does!

Damn Keys!!! **shakes fist**

I'm emotionally drained now..... good night:(

The Lady Jane ( and very bad co-worker...)

Confession Friday and the Po Po!!!

What am I doing you ask?

Oh, just completing a statement form for the Police.

Why am I doing that you ask?

Because the kids I work with are mofo crazy!!

Is it because of the kid you mentioned last week that made journal entry about slaughtering you all like cows?

No. The statements are about two different situations regarding two different kids

Is this the first time you had to make a statement?

Actually this is my second one this week.

What happened you ask?

Which time? Out of 5 school days, the police had to come for 4 of them.
And yes, you read it correctly 4 F#$CK*NG times!!


One of several reasons I keep this blog anonymous is because of what I do for a living and because of the kids I work with. I truly care about about these boys and feel terrible about what they have to deal on a day to day basis in just trying to keep it together. However, they troll the internet looking for info on us staff either for humor or for their lawsuit of the week.
I may feel like I want to cry during the day but after their gone and I think about what they say and do...I laugh until I cry. They are certainly entertaining!

1st police visit came on Monday when the teacher , me, the boy ( who wrote the homicidal journal entry), his mom, our superintendent, and the police representative met.

The 2nd time they came is because one kid beat the hell out of another kid in the classroom and also punched a couple of staff members in the process who were trying to break it up. No, not me I made the phone call for back up. I should note that since starting work there this school year I have been punched twice, just not this time. Yay for me! Oh yeah and they started fighting because of who was going to be the banker in Monopoly..isn't that precious?

The 3rd time the police had to come is because one of the boys ( who is new to us and has only been there a month) made verbal threats to us and also toward two of the students. ( Things like "I am going to choke you till your head pops off your neck" (to another student) Then when the teacher and I confronted him - he tried to intimidate us with his size and **staring us down** his trademark move.

Side note- this kid is 6 foot 4 inches and WELL over two bills. He considers himself "EMO" very dark. Wears crazy eyeliner, paints around his eyes red. He came to us after he was in the psych ward. Which isn't a big deal because all our kids go there at one time or another. However, this kid went there after he beat his mom with a baseball bat till she was unconscious. Why is he not in Juvie you ask? Great question!!! He was supposed to be. Oh...did I mention that two months before that he held a knife to the throat of his mom while the police surrounded his house.....

Anyways, after he threatened us and did his staring thing he left the building....with our headphones! For some reason the teacher and I thought we really needed to have those headphones back. HEY! they were school property and he LEFT the building!!!!! We did ask for him to hand them over several times.

Long story short ..we followed him..had the police called...and he was picked up.

Supposedly, they are trying once again to lock him up, but since we didn't hear anything. My guess is he will be back on Monday. AAHHHH.......

4th reason the police had to come. One of our other kids did not like the fact that he was going to be in In School Suspension that day and went a little bonkers and refused to take his meds. We called for back up ( some men teachers) and we had to move the kid to the boom boom room. (The padded room). Whereas...the kid tried to take the door off the hinges by ramming his body into it several times. Lots of threats...some against us , some against himself. Soo...a mobile crisis team came to assess which resulted in the police taking said student and transporting him to the hospital. Phew..... There were several other things he did but those were the highlights.

Today, we completely spoiled the boys that are on the upper levels ( our behaviors system). We took them outside to the football field to play around and then ordered pizza for them and let them play X-box in the afternoon. For the first time when said "thank you" several times and smiled ....I knew it was genuine and My heart melted! !!

Confession for this Friday: I took complete and udder joy in parading the pizzas by the kids that are currently serving ISS. I sooo did not have to take the route that went by them. Funniest part...is one of the boys that is in ISS yelling " IS THAT PIZZA???? IS THAT FIVE DOLLAR HOT AND READY PIZZA? WHO IS EATING PIZZA????" and starts to whimper and kick walls while swearing to himself and me with my back to him smiling ear to ear and not answering one of those questions....can you say passive-aggressive??

So I'm ECSTATIC its the weekend!!!

Sorry for this entry being kinda dry with not a lot of wit...but I am tooo exhausted to try to be clever. So as the police say..."Just the facts, ma'am'"

THE LADY JANE ( crazy ass school social worker that voluntarily accepted a job working in a classroom of kids that are severely emotionally impaired mixed with a couple of sociopaths)

SO... not off to a great start

OK...so big plans for today right? (well big plans for me) ( See post below)

dishes in the sink ....done

started getting grocery list around....almost done

Clean up dog shit all over the place...... hey wait that wasn't on the list!!!

Poor JJ ( he is our min pin ) got locked in the bedroom on accident this morning and apparently I i did not hear him barking because I had music blasting. Ya know, you need lots of music to dance to while cleaning the Kitchen.

Anyways you wouldn't think a little guy could make such a mess but you don't know JJ. When JJ does his business he whirls around in a circle. We call it the "whirlypoops". He also seemed to have diarrhea. So it was a circular splatter across the room. I really wanted one of these crime scene kits from CSI..for blood splatter. I STILL don't know if it I got it all...its crazy!

I had to log our Ginormous steam cleaner from the basement to the upstairs ( two flights if you are counting..) and then steam our entire bedroom. Our bedroom is huge!!! Its something I usually love but not at this moment.

Exercise...done ( hey, that steam cleaner was a huge arm workout! I'm counting it!)

Oh yeah...JJ made sure there was a big pile on my side of the bed.


The Lady Jane

I call SABOTAGE!!!!

Sorry!!

It has been "hell" week at work...well actually it has been "hell" month..but really bad this week. Of course it probably wouldn't have had to be as bad as it was if I wasn't such an incredible procrastinator. I feel like I have made it into an art form. You know the old saying
" Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today"..or some crazy shit like that. Well let me tell ya those are not words I live by. I wish it was but at this late stage in my life...those things likely aren't going to change...but I am gonna try anyways:)

Which brings me to my real reason for posting. I have a confession..yes another one. I am a sabotager...of myself. I am driving myself crazy! I know exactly what my problem is, yet I do nothing about it. Oh wait..yes I do. I make it WORSE!

Want to lose weight. I make a detailed plan of action including a grocery list for my oh so yummy low calorie recipes and then I order the two large pizza for one deal...within the hour.

Make a list of things I need to do for work and give each task a due date ( like tomorrow) and then I read blogs for two hours and surf the net.

I make a pledge to re-quit smoking ( I started up again) and have great convo with boyfriend about my "really never wanting to smoke..bad for health, blah, blah" Sneak out of the house under the statement " I need to get something for my lunch the next day" and go buy a pack! Again within the hour!

Ahhhh.... I am telling you this list could go on and on and on... no lie.

Where is my will power...dammit! I mean its one thing to try and then fall off the wagon but I don't even get on the wagon! I need help! Serious help. and I call myself a counselor! HA HA HA

So I have joined Operation Muffin(topple) with Catherinette at the Catherinette Chronicles. I need to get rid of this extra baggage that I put on post-surgery. I need some accountability! I will be giving you updates...

BTW..I snuck out and smoked a ciggie during this post! AAhhhhh....
Will Somebody please kick my ass! Please! Real hard!!!

The Lady Jane

The Tales of Dislocation

Okay - so for a couple of posts I have promised an explanation regarding a couple of matters i.e. From March 18th's post: My heart has been broken for about 3 years now. That is when I finally came to terms that I can no longer wear high heels. *sigh* Reason why...will save for another post !!!

From March 13th's post: I usually get really drunk and there will be some extremely embarrassing moments that I still can not live down. Those stories are another post. In fact maybe I will tell one of them in the next post. ( two words...hip dislocation...)

So here it is. I am about to make myself sound like such a Grandma...but honestly I'm only like 30! But here it is... I have dislocated my hip 4 times and broke it once...no lie! Recently had to have some major surgery on it...but I swear I am a rockin', uber awesome, fun lovin' gal..with a hip issue but still cute as hell ( at least that's what I am told!!). My hip, however, has provided me with some pretty good stories! So here is what I liketo call the tales of dislocation.

Dislocation #1:

The set-up:
New Job
I just got a new job on a statewide crisis line. It was the gig of gig's for a graduate social worker. All I had to do was sit in a room (or lay on the couch) with a couple of other people shooting the shit, readin gossip magazines, watch T.V. and surf the net. However, it started out with a bang (or a pop depending on how you look at it). It was my first day actually answering the phones. Two others were working with me and we just started watching a movie when the phone rang and one of the veterans says "Your up!!" So at that time I was sitting in a chair with my legs crossed and the phone was on the floor. I bent over to answer and "POP"..I mean a HUGE pop!! I screamed bloody murder and released several , several F bombs. It was the most mind-blowing pain I have ever had - mind you I had picked up the phone meaning there was a person "in crisis" listening on the other end as I am swearing like a sailor. Everyone freaked out..the ambulance had to be called!! It was disgusting - you could tell my hip was dislocated - I won't go into detail - just trust me. Side note - one of my co-workers who later turned out to be one my best gay guy friends started his own drama as I lay writhing in pain. He kept fanning himself and saying he was going to faint and then laid down beside me on the floor because his "knees buckled" - the ambulance people had to attend him too. He was fine - he just LOVES DRAMA.

2nd Dislocation

The set up:
Harper's Bar - 12:30am - Lansing, Michigan

Out with a huge group of friends, getting completely hammered ( as was everybody!!) and I was sitting at the table with my legs crossed...yep you guessed it ..POP! I knew immediately what happened and thanked the heavens above for all the alcohol I insulted on my body it helped to dull the excurritiating pain! It hurt like hell and I couldn't move at all for fear that I would just start screaming profanity again. Funny thing is all I did was just turn my upper body to the right and it popped out - I didn't even bend over. After dislocating it - I sat as still as I could the rest of the night with the exception of lifting my right arm to throw back shots like a champ. I didn't tell a soul at the table. I do have some pride ya know! There was no way in hell I was going to have an ambulance come in to a packed bar to get me for dislocating my hip - I would have rather died! So I sat there until closing time and then told my friends what had happened..waited for the bar to clear and the staff called the ambulance....and off to the hospital we go again. One of my friends had to leave to go to the bathroom to puke after taking one look at my dislocated hip! Whether she actually did - is questionable or maybe she was she was using it as an excuse because she drank waaaayyyy too much and had to puke anyways!! Fun times...

Dislocation 3#

Set up:
Best Friends wedding - Maid of Honor
I was practically pickled with alcohol that night and had been dancing like a mad woman in sky high heels all night while flirting with the best man ( grooms brother). All of the bridal party had hotel room's and the Best Man had the brilliant of idea of going back to the hotel room where he had more champagne to keep celebrating after the reception was over! Well - I thought he was a genius and a hottie at that so off to the hotel room we go. I won't get into details but lets just say when I woke up the next morning (wink) I for some reason did this move as though I flipped up my legs to propel my upper body up and at the same time twisting my body to get out of the bed. It was all very strange and of course I hear and feel "POP" and again a stream of profanity. Best man passed out but sat up and yelped out of shock at the my stream of profanity. Long story short...ambulance had to be called!! AAHHHH.... here is the additional comedy to the situation. One of the other bridesmaids came with me in the ambulance and she was in an extreme state of hungoverness and actually puked in the ambulance!! And while we were in the ER - the two ambulance guys came back and gave us there their phone numbers! Can you even believe - who does that?! Mind you - I had to miss brunch the next day - so my hook-up was well publicized with everyone ...including all the parents too. Oh the humiliation!

Dislocation #4
Set up:
Bridal shop: Trying on my MOH dress with the other bridesmaids and bride

We were in the dressing room together - giggling, drinking champagne ( see a theme here?) having fun and then I stepped into the dress, tripped and POP. Ugh.....ambulance came, hospital, yadda yadda.

Broken/fractured hip
Setup:
Walking my dog...squirrel...snap, crackle, POP!!!

And that there folks is why I can no longer wear high heels - except for very special occasions and for a short time. When I try ...my hip screams "NO HEELS FOR YOU" ***sigh*** can you hear my heart breaking...not my hip..my heart..geez!

The Lady Jane a.k.a the hipster

My very first post: run out of gas much?

I spent a considerable amount of time thinking what my first post should be. Do I start out with an "about me", a description of what this blog is about, or a short story. I opted to tell you of a situation that happened to me recently. Its a perfect example of me and my life.

The set-up for the story:

This happened earlier this week and I had recently had surgery and was on crutches. I was also 2 hours from where I live and was in town to get some tests done.

This test was time sensitive because they first inject dye into your system and then they wait for 4 hours and then do a scan. So here I am with 4 hours to kill and I can't go home. So what do I do..shop (of course!). So off to my beloved stores I go ( which I am for sure heard my name being called in the wind) . I had a very productive time..in which I purchased a cute pair of jeans and some jewelry. However, I have to say it is a pain in the ass to shop on crutches.

I head out to my vehicle, get in, turn it on , put it in drive...two feet and then its done. I knew then exactly what happened....ran out of gas. You might be wondering if I knew that I was low on gas and well....yeah I did. I really thought that I could go get it after I was done shopping. I should probably also tell you that in the past week and a 1/2 I have ran out of gas two other times. Yep..two...on the same day. In my defense this is a new vehicle and I have only had it a very short while and apparently when that light comes on ...you need to get your ass to a gas station pronto. This vehicle doesn't play.

So back to my dilemma. Let me recap. I am in a parking lot, which is actually pretty empty, on crutches, away from home, and have this time-sensitive radioactive dye in me and need to get to the hospital across town - like Now! Most people would might be panicking about now, but you see I am use to these situations. it is not something I am proud of but my poor decision making ends me up in a lot of bad situations. So I am sitting there trying to way out my options and am starting to see I don't have many.


Walk to gas station? Answer: No - on crutches and way too far.

Call a friend or my boyfriend? Answer: No - 2 hours away ( no good..only 1/2 hour until scan)

Maybe a friendly stranger in parking lot will drive me over? Answer: looking around pleadingly and see no friendly faces.

Triple a - you may ask. Answer : Nope

Uh, oh..now I am starting to get worried. I thought "what do people do when they are in trouble?" call the POLICE!! That's the ticket. I phoned the police - a nice lady answers. I explained the situation and she stated that she will send someone over. Phew!! I was going to be saved.
Then I waited and waited and waited. Phoned hospital - asked how long the dye is good for. They gave me an additional 1/2 hour.
and what do I see in the distance...a police car!! He pulls up , rolls down his window and stares at me, says nothing. **awkward**
I start babbling about my situation. He says nothing for the moment and then says "they said there was a women in the parking lot that couldn't walk" Ugh..talk about only giving half of the information.
At this moment - let me describe him.... well basically he looked like the blond guy from Reno 911 and he wore his dark sunglasses the whole time ( it wasn't sunny people..)

me: I really am in a bad spot and I really need to get to my appointment. I have this time-sensitive scan because they injected this dye into me and I can't walk to get gas ( look down at my crutches).

Officer Reno: I don't usually take money.
me: silently thinking, huh?
Officer Reno seeing my confusion: "You can give me money and I can go get the gas for you."
me: "I only have my debit and credit card, no cash. Sorry"
**silence**
I started babbling again.
Officer Reno: "My boss says that I can't transport anyone". Then stares at me..silence ensues....
me: "I don't know what to do then." With my puppy dog eyes
**Silence** ( this an extremely awkward conversation!!)

Officer Reno: again " I can't transport".
me: "well, do you have any other ideas?"....start to babble
Officer Reno: cuts me off "the back seats are hard, I don't think you can get into them."
me: "Don't worry - I'm desperate..I'll make it work someway."
Officer Reno: says nothing...more silence. No movement to open door.
me: " I would really appreciate it....I'm already late..I can..."
Officer Reno: "The seats are really hard."
me: doing everything in my power not to slam my head against my car.
more silence and staring which seems like forever....
Officer Reno lets me into his car. He's right the back seats are hard and plastic but I made it in.
me: thanking him profusely for taking me and helping me.
Officer Reno: "Why are you shopping if you are having surgery today?"
me: HUH??(in my head) I explain to him that I am not having surgery and that it is scan. However, he makes remarks to me having "surgery" a couple more times during our time together. We get gas, he takes me back to my car, and I make it to my appointment without a minute to spare.

That is me...always trippin' through life, but somehow, someway I land on my feet. Well, most of the time.
Hopefully - I will figure out how to customize my page...that shouldn't be too hard. ( yeah, right)

Lady Jane